Neighborly(42)

Then Gina says, “Let’s get down to business.”

Tennyson does a mock spit take. “Gina, seriously?”

“The guest of honor is already liquored up,” Gina answers.

I look around, wondering who she’s talking about. Then I realize they’re all looking at me.

Gina leans toward me just slightly, her mushroom hair especially voluminous tonight, her eyes intent on mine. It occurs to me that Tennyson could just be a figurehead, and Gina might be the true power. She’s certainly coming off like the ringleader tonight. “Let me ask you something crucial. Why are you monogamous?”

Now I want to do a spit take. “What—what do you mean?” I stammer.

“You’ve probably never even thought about it before, right? You’re monogamous because that’s what marriage is. Because you think it’s the only way to do it.”

“Listen,” Tennyson drawls, “marriage is an evolving institution. I mean, women used to be property.”

“Now men and women make each other property,” Raquel says. “Controlling each other. You know, ‘You love me because you won’t have sex with anyone else, even though it’s totally normal to want to.’”

“Have you read Esther Perel?” Gina asks. I shake my head. I wish I hadn’t had that Silk Purse. It’s hard to keep up with this conversation. “Esther Perel talks about how sexual desire is activated by novelty, while traditional marriage says that denying yourself any other partners is a prerequisite. That’s a paradox. A double bind.”

“No wonder there are so many affairs.” Tennyson raises her hand. “I mean, guilty! Vic and I decided that we were going to do it differently this time around. No one owns anybody, and we can accept ourselves and each other as sexual beings. That’s why we’re so happy.”

“Why are you so happy?” I ask stupidly. I’m not quite following.

“Here’s the deal,” Tennyson says. “Normally, you’re monogamous because you think the only other options are eternal dating or being in a relationship and cheating.”

“Or you’re monogamous because you only want to be with your husband,” I say. “And he only wants to be with you.”

But I already outed myself at the last girl’s night. They know I don’t exactly want to be with Doug. I want to want to be with Doug. That’s a big difference.

A part of me has always known, deep down, that the AV was too good to be true. I’ve been waiting for the bottom to drop out . . .

Tennyson is giving me a slightly dubious look, a smile playing at her lips. Can every one of them really see through me? This is a nightmare. “If that’s the case—if you and Doug only want to be with each other—then you opt out.”

“Opt out of what?” I say.

“The spreadsheet.”

I look at Andie, and I see that she knows exactly what the spreadsheet is. Of course she does. I feel blindsided by my new friend. She couldn’t have given me some sort of heads up? I would have prepared something to say. Or at the very least, I wouldn’t have had a shot plus a Silk Purse after a year of abstinence.

“The spreadsheet is where everyone states their preferences,” Andie tells me quietly. “There are couples who are primarily monogamous, with an occasional hall pass. And some who have ongoing relationships outside of their marriages.”

“Each couple comes up with their own rules,” Yolanda says. “It might be that same-sex is OK but opposite isn’t. Or they can only be with the third party together. You can only be with someone if I am. We get to veto each other’s potential partners. No sex in our house or in our bed. No sleepovers. Don’t ask, don’t tell.” I see her really warming to this. Where Yolanda is concerned, the more rules the better.

“Some couples opt in for a while and then opt out,” Andie says.

“And then some,” June says, her eyes dancing, “opt back in.”

Is June involved in this? She’s not even part of a couple. She just gets to sample everyone’s husbands without any complications at all? It doesn’t seem quite fair.

“The spreadsheet is really dynamic.” Tennyson polishes off the rest of her drink. “Each couple has to decide together what they really want. It leads to all kinds of really intimate, revealing conversations. You’ll know Doug better than you ever imagined you could just by talking about all this stuff. About your truest desires.” My stomach plummets just as Tennyson stands up. “Anyone want another?”

Raquel tosses hers back and then rattles the ice in her now-empty glass. Everyone else, including me, says they’re OK.

A hush falls over the table once she’s gone. “I don’t really know what to say,” I tell them.

“You’re not expected to answer tonight,” Raquel says. “It’s a lot to think about. Obviously, you need to talk to Doug.”

He’ll dismiss it out of hand, I’m sure.

We’ll dismiss it together.

“People are so jealous and paranoid because they’re afraid to lose,” Gina says. “Think how liberating it would be to set your marriage free.”

Raquel reads my expression because she says, “No, really. You go off and you’re with someone else, and you get that euphoria, right? You get the initial infatuation. Then you go home in a great mood, and everything’s lustier. But we all have our eyes open. We all know exactly what that is, and we don’t fool ourselves into thinking the grass is greener on the other side. In the end, we’re all going home to our husbands and wives. There are no affairs here. It’s all out in the open.”