Most of All You: A Love Story(75)
I was tempted to stand slightly behind Gabriel as we walked through the world so he would shield me from the things I imagined might hurt me. My knight in shining armor. And, maybe, I thought, that was what love was supposed to do—peel your layers back and uncover all your tender spots so they, too, could be healed. The problem was, I didn’t know how to go about doing that. And so instead of healing, I remained peeled back and bleeding.
I came into his studio one chilly afternoon, pulling my sweater tight. A gust of wind followed me, and I pushed the door shut, laughing as I turned to him. “God, it’s cold out there all of a sudden.”
Gabriel turned his head, his hands still moving over the piece he was working on. “We’ll have to light the fireplace tonight.”
I nodded, taking a seat in the chair where I usually sat, and watched him work for a few minutes, watched his gentle, skillful hands move over the stone, hands that had now moved over me in much the same way.
It was different watching his hands work now than when I’d watched him reveal William. Then, I’d only wondered what they might feel like. Now I knew and it filled me with a shivery happiness to watch him work.
I glanced over to the shelf where William sat, and he wasn’t there. I frowned. “Gabriel, where’s William?”
Gabriel stopped his work and looked at me. “Oh, he got picked up by the shipping company this morning. They were ready for him. I guess the museum exterior’s almost complete.”
A painful shock caused me to go rigid, and ice water poured through my veins. “You didn’t tell me.”
Gabriel was looking at me strangely. “You were in town, picking up that stuff for George … Ellie, are you okay?” He started walking toward me.
A loss so intense it scared me had settled in the pit of my stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself, attempting to hold the emotions at bay. Oh God, this was ridiculous. It was just a statue … just …
“Hey,” Gabriel said gently as he pulled me from my chair, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d take it like this. I’m sorry.”
I melted into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my face into his chest, inhaling his scent—comfort, calm—and shaking my head. “No, I’m … I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I don’t know why …”
He leaned back and held me away so he could look in my eyes, so much understanding in his, as if he knew just how I felt. He always did. “I should have let you say goodbye. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head again, attempting a smile. “No, I’m being ridiculous. I guess … I just … I fell in love with you while William …” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Came to life? Was born? Did I think of William as a child of some sort? The physical representation of my love for Gabriel? I took a deep breath. “I fell in love with you while you created William. He was special to me.” I attempted another laugh, and this time it sounded more natural, though the lump in my throat was still there.
“You love me?” His voice was full of warm wonder.
I blinked. “God, you don’t know?”
He smiled, so happily and just a little bit shyly, and my heart turned over. I felt ashamed as I realized I’d never said the words, even through all the nights he made love to me and held me in his arms as my heart burned with love for him. “I … hoped. But it’s nice to hear the words.”
I pulled him close. “Oh, Gabriel, I love you. I love you so much.” It almost shocked me to know I hadn’t said the words, but as I held him I realized that I’d held back not because I didn’t know I loved him, but because the words didn’t seem big enough for what I felt. I worship you? I admire you? I need you? I depend on you? How did you mix all of that up and express it with only three small words? Wasn’t love supposed to be peaceful and calming? And yet my love for Gabriel felt … desperate.
He kissed me, surrounded by all his beautiful things, the creations of his heart, and joy and loss and uncertainty mingled in mine. Love wasn’t supposed to feel desperate. Was it? Was I so flawed that I couldn’t even love right?
“I think we’ll have to go visit William and tell him the big news,” he said teasingly.
I sniffled and laughed, blinking so the tears gathered in my eyes wouldn’t fall. “In France?”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, maybe someday.” I just wanted William here. With me. Where I could look at him whenever I wanted. “Anyway, I think he knows. I think he was the first to know.”
“Ah, Ellie,” Gabriel breathed. “I love you.”
We stood that way for a while until I felt better in the warm strength of his arms. “In the meantime, I’ll have them send me a picture when he’s mounted in his spot, okay?”
I nodded but inside, pain welled up in me again. I didn’t want to picture William there. And though it was irrational, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was lonely. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he whispered, leaning forward and kissing my eyelids, my nose, my lips until I breathed out a small laugh.
I collected myself, and when Gabriel returned to his work, he glanced up and said, “There’s this fall festival in town every year. You know, bobbing for apples, hayrides, that kind of thing.” He looked back down at his work for a moment. “It’s this weekend. I was thinking you might want to go?” He paused and then said, “You know we talked about me working a little harder with the people in town. I was thinking this might be a start.”