Messy Love(5)

She nodded. “Really.’’

My heart pumped faster again while fear still ran through my veins, making it hard to swallow past the lump in my throat and forget the twirls my stomach had been doing since I had left my parents’ house earlier that morning.

I walked in the house, and it’s strange. It jumped at me how this house was a family home, not just a house.

In the hall, a few coats were hanging on patterns, pictures of kids and the Burton family hung on the walls, and a few pairs of shoes of different sizes had been discarded under a simple wooden bench. I could easily pick out Lydia Burton’s shoes, but also Ava because they’re a lot smaller than anyone else’s, Wyatt’s because they’re converse and huge and his father’s because they’re dress shoes.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it did. I had no part in this family, and I had one of my own that I would never want to change, but still. It hurt to see that the person who gave me up had a happy family.

She cleared her throat and smiled sadly at me and led me to a spacious kitchen with a small island made of white wood and dark gray countertops to match the rest of the kitchen. There’s also a table that could seat four people, white with a few table settings of the same gray color than the kitchen.

“Would you like something to drink? Water? Soda?’’

“Water would be good, thanks.’’ Or a shot of tequila.

I took a seat and placed my purse at my feet and kept my car key on the table in front of me. I had to fight the urge to toy with my keys, but instead, I twisted my fingers as I watched Lydia move around her kitchen. I was ready to walk away if need be, but I wasn’t willing to.

After a few seconds of silence, I couldn’t help myself but look around, behind me to see if Wyatt was going to walk in, but it’s quiet, so quiet it’s as if we were the only two alone in the house.

Lydia came back with a tall glass of water she put in front of me before she took the chair opposite me. Her eyes, these eyes identical to mine, didn’t leave my face for a second. It’s like she couldn’t believe I was here, in her kitchen. I had a hard time believing it myself, and I was the one who initiated this encounter. It was like living something through someone else’s.

“I don’t… I don’t even know your name,’’ she broke the silence with a thick voice.

Somehow, it helped me relax to hear the emotion in her words. It told me she’s, to some degree, moved to see me. Maybe she didn’t lie when she said she had been waiting to meet me. Was it bad of me to need to know that she felt something toward me? Coldness would have been too cutting.

“My name’s Marissa. Marissa Thornton.’’

She smiled, her white teeth barely peeking between her light pink lips. “Marissa is a beautiful name. It suits you.’’

I cleared my throat and gripped the glass to take a sip. “Thanks, I guess.’’

“When I saw your eyes, I knew who you were,’’ she said, a small smile still on her face. “You look a lot more like me than I expected.’’

“When I saw the picture on your ID it threw me too.’’ I smiled at her, feeling shy. “My parents, I mean my adoptive parents, hired a PI so I could find you.’’

“They’re your parents, Marissa. You don’t have to call them your adoptive parents in front of me.’’

I nodded and glanced down at my thin fingers wrapped around the glass. “The PI said that you left enough information to find you easily. He assumed that you did that for me if I ever wanted to search for you. Is that right?’’

She bit her lip, worrying it between her teeth so much that it turned a deeper pink before she nodded. “I was eighteen when I had you. I couldn’t provide for you like you deserved, but it was hard. I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to give you up for adoption.’’ She finally looked away, but not before I caught the shine in her eyes, making them seem so much lighter than they truly were. Just like when I was ready to cry.

“It was because of money then.’’

“What?’’

I locked eyes with her again and started playing with strands of my thick hair on my shoulder. “It’s probably my overactive imagination, but I’ve been wondering if maybe you got pregnant after violence like…’’ I trailed off as my throat closed up.

“Oh no! No, I assure you, I didn’t get pregnant because of that. I was in a relationship, and I accidentally got pregnant with my boyfriend at the time. I assure you that there was no abuse in that relationship.’’ She slowly extended a hand toward me, testing the water.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be touched by her, but somehow, I didn’t move. I watched her hand, slightly bigger than mine, coming closer. Her wedding band shone brightly against her pale skin tone. And then, her warmth seeped through the back of my hand, and it sent tiny shocks up my arm.

She was truly here in front of me. She existed. I had always known she existed, of course, but she had always been some sort of mythical creature before. Now, with her breathing in front of me, touching my hand, I had the proof she was truly alive and a part of me.

“Your biological father and I loved each other, Marissa. We were together for over two years, but life can be hard. I couldn’t keep you because I didn’t have anybody there to help me but my cousin. She was a college student herself at the time. I didn’t have enough money to rent an apartment, didn’t have my boyfriend anymore, my parents had turned their back on me… It was the best solution for you. I mean, you have a good family, don’t you?’’