Messy Love(2)

I looked so much like her.

An intense pain took hold of me, digging inside me as if it tried to poison me and taint my life up until now with ‘what ifs’ that had nothing to do here. I shook my head and pushed everything away, my frown deepening as my grip on the papers turned my knuckles white.

I would not let this ruin me.

I was a well-balanced twenty-year-old woman, happy and graced with a wonderful, tight-knit family. I built myself as an adopted kid, as a child loved by her parents and her big brother. I wouldn’t let this make me feel lost.

I had never been lost.

I only needed answers.

***





MARISSA


“How do you feel? And don’t bullshit me, little sis,’’ Jameson, my older brother, asked me as we settled on the couch in his two-bedroom house.

Jamie had always been very protective of me and my confident whenever something troubled me deeply. He was also adopted and, yet he never showed any need to know where he came from. He told me once that he was happy the way his life was, and he didn’t want or need to shake things up with a mess that wasn’t exactly his. Sometimes, I envied how laid back he was.

I shrugged at his question. “Where’s Aimee?’’

“She’s with her mother. They’re currently on their way to cleaning off our bank account. They’re always shopping these days,’’ he replied with a bright smile. His dark brown eyes, soulful, had a warmth in them that calmed me down.

Growing up, all my friends had told me how hot Jamie was. With his Latino heritage, his bronze skin had a perpetual glow I remembered envying when I was a teen. His thick, dark hair always seemed to fall back in his eyes, but even though he sometimes complained, he would never cut it. He wasn’t extremely tall, but his broad shoulders and strong arms gave him a bulk I knew attracted more than one women.

But Aimee had captured his heart two years ago when he met her during a call for a fire in the building she used to live. From then on, he stopped playing the field and devoted all his big heart to her. They married last year and were now expecting their first baby. And still, he didn’t need to know where he came from.

“As if you’re not the same. I remember you three days ago when you asked me to go with you to get a car seat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with such a buying fever before.’’

He chuckled, blushed slightly and rubbed his neck. “Don’t remind me. Aimee laughed at me for half an hour straight when I came back with all those shit.’’ Instead of just a car seat, we came back also with a bassinet, a stroller, and three different stuffed animals. “Now, little sis, stop deflecting. How do you feel?’’

“I don’t know.’’ I looked away and focused on the pile of books on the coffee table, all pregnancy books. I barely saw the colors on the covers or the titles. Stuck in my head, I went over and over the papers, I read through a few hours ago. “It’s like when you’re in a car and it’s raining. You look through the window, but the world outside is distorted from all the rain. It's the same here. Everything is distorted, and a part of me doesn’t know which way is up.’’

“Marissa.’’ He shook his head and stood from the armchair to sit next to me on the couch. I let him wrap myself in his arm. I closed my eyes and let my big brother comfort me. “See that? That’s exactly why I would never want to get to know who my birth mother is. You were fine until now.’’

“Not really. I’ve always had so many questions. You know that.’’

He nodded and kissed the top of my head before he released me. “Where is she then?’’

“My birth mother?’’ I smiled softly, but it’s not natural. Everything in me seemed as if stretched to its limits as if I would burst at the seams at any moment. I expected feeling something and being unsettled, but I never thought I’d feel out of place as if not much made any sense anymore. “Believe it or not, but she’s still in Atlanta.’’

“Really?’’ He ran a hand through his hair when strands fell into his eyes before he eyed me again. “You’ve been living in the same city for two years. It’s…’’

“Wild. I know.’’ I shook my head. For all I knew, I crossed paths with her once without knowing it. My stomach tightened again. I brought a hand to it as if it’d settle it. “She has two kids, one of which is adopted. I don’t know how old he is.’’

“Adopted,’’ Jamie noted, covertly cringing.

It’s nothing like my reaction when I read the PI’s report regarding Lydia Burton, my birth mother. When it stated that she married a man named Danny Burton, had a biological daughter named Ava and an adoptive son named Wyatt, I couldn’t breathe. I knew she would have a family, but knowing that she adopted a kid when she abandoned me hurt me unexpectedly. I had to stop reading then and put everything back into the envelope and grabbed my car keys to go and visit my brother. I knew it had worried my parents when I left their house without a word, but I needed out.

“I won’t lie, it’s a hard pill to swallow.’’ I glanced down at my left wrist and fixed the flock of birds tattooed on the inside. “It shouldn’t affect me.’’

“Are you kidding?’’ He put a hand on my shoulder, bringing my attention back to him with a tight squeeze. “It’s huge, Marissa. All of this, it was bound to shake you up. I’d be worried if you took it lightly.’’