Messy Love(3)

“I look so much like her, Jamie. It’s crazy.’’

His eyes softened some more, and he placed a few strands of my hair behind my ear. “Same eyes?’’

“I don’t know. The shape looks the same, but the copy of her ID is too bad to know the color.’’

“What are you going to do now?’’

I nibbled on my lip and shrugged. “I have her address. I don’t know if I should use it or not. She has her own family. What if they don’t know about me and I ruin everything? It could hurt the kids.’’

“Oh come on. You went through all of this. You’re not going to drop it now. I know you need answers and you shouldn’t let them eat away at you. They’re her kids, her family. Let her worry about them and worry about yourself and what you need. If you need to meet her, then do it.’’ He sighed and the way he tilted his head to one side I knew he was mulling over his next words, maybe even reconsidering saying them. But if there’s something about Jamie, it’s that he would never back down from telling something he thought needed to be said, even if it was hard to hear it. “You must be prepared for her to reject you, sis. It wouldn’t have anything to do with you but—.''

“I know. Honestly, I think I went through every possible outcome in my head. I’m tired of it all.’’

“You’re ready then.’’

Ready? No, I was nowhere near ready to face my birth mother, but I didn’t see ever being ready for a moment like this. I was ready to hurt, ready to cry and maybe be angry. I was willing to feel, but facing the woman who gave me life and abandoned me as soon as I took my first breath? No, I wasn’t.

I had never been angry at her for abandoning me. I was happy with my adoptive family, but today, for the first time I felt a hint of resentment. I hated that feeling. It was dark, weighing down on me over everything else, scaring me of my feelings and emotions, showing me a side of myself I had ignored until now. It only enforced the lost sensation I experienced.

“I didn’t tell the parents, but I plan on going tomorrow on my way back home. She lives in Brookhaven.’’

“Do you want me to come with you?’’

“Nah. I’ll be okay. I mean, that’s what I’ve always wanted.’’

“It’s one thing wanting it, but another one getting it, sis. If you don’t feel it just yet, take your time. There’s no rush, you know me and the parents are here for you. Aimee too, even if she’s so emotional these days. I’m not sure she’d be of much help.’’

I laughed at the dig to his wife and punched his shoulder, making a face when my knuckles took the brunt of it. “Be careful, or I’m going to tell Aimee.’’

“I knew it wasn’t a good thing when you two became friends.’’

Even through the tempest that I brought on myself I had my brother and parents there to center me and remind me of who I was.

I was a daughter, a sister, a young woman. I was happy and healthy. I was so damn lucky that I shouldn’t even think about letting fear and resentment win over who I truly was.





MARISSA


“Okay. Just breathe and don’t faint. Don’t. Faint.’’

If anyone were looking at me, sitting in my car parked in front of a small suburban house like you often saw around here in Brookhaven while I was talking to myself, psyching myself really, they’d sure be scared I was a nutcase.

I sighed and looked again at the house, ignoring my pounding heart and the sweat coating my palms and the back of my neck under my long dark brown hair.

There’s nothing special about the house. Its size was standard for an average family home in the suburbs. The walls painted a fresh white, and light gray gave it a welcoming feel, the shutters were dark, and the front door was of the same color. The only thing that looked like a lived-in home were the two bikes against the house and the football in the grass in the front yard. The town car in the curb, the one I knew my birth mother was driving according to the file I had in the glove compartment, betrayed her presence in there.

“It’s now or never,’’ I mumbled to myself one last time. I dried my palms on my skinny jeans, grabbed my purse on the passenger seat and exited the car on wobbly legs.

It’s hard to ignore the way my heart tried to carve its way through my rib cage or how unsteady I was on my peep-toe heels and how my fingers were so weak they barely had a real hold on my purse and car key.

Walking toward the front door was probably the hardest walk of my life, far harder than that time when I followed Jameson and his friends to hike the Raven Cliff Falls trail when hiking was one of the things I despised most.

“Looking for something?’’

I started at the gruff voice and the breathlessness coming from behind me, tearing me from my rising panic. I turned around abruptly and faced a tall man.

At first glance, I was taken aback by how tall he was, towering way above me effortlessly when I wasn’t exactly a tiny woman. But then, then I noticed other things, starting with his sweaty hair, curling slightly in some places to his sweaty forehead and sticking up in other places on top of his head.

Then, my eyes locked with his, so dark and hard I audibly gasped and recoiled. His thick beard hid most of his facial expression, but it’s still blatant he wasn’t happy I was right here. My eyes fell, looking away from his dark look and then I was mesmerized by his thick arms glistening in the morning sun, making his colorful tattoos stand out even more on his pale skin. His tattoos were a work of art, marrying the lines of his massive muscles to perfection. Even the shading was perfect.