Maame(73)

I just want a guy who says “bless you” after I sneeze.

Mira, 25

“She’s all right. I like her”—my best friend Sarah

“Flosses regularly and never needs fillings”—Dr Reid, my dentist “Not as crazy as she looks”—my ex Jeremy (the last words he ever said to me before he mysteriously disappeared) Okay, so keeping it short, funny, and inoffensive seems to be the trick.

Bio: I love food, I read for fun and I did not spend an hour attempting to draft this bio Is that last bit charming or sad? I imagine it will depend on who’s reading it.

“I’d chuckle,” I say quietly, “but then again, you’re a little weird, Maddie.”

The bio doesn’t sound exactly like me, but I think that might not be the worst thing.

Add profile picture

I scroll through my gallery. I don’t like taking pictures of myself; what I look like in the mirror and what I look like through a camera somehow seem to be two different people, so there aren’t many images to choose from. There’s one of me from two years ago; I have twisted braids in my hair, but other than that, nothing else has changed. I think I still have that top somewhere …

Upload another?

Instead, I click next and I’m suddenly presented with a man’s image, a tick and cross under him. Decidedly savage, yet undeniably time-efficient.

Will they know if I press the cross? No, surely not.

I scroll and scroll, tick and cross, trying not to judge on appearance (but obviously judging on appearance at least somewhat), and mollifying my moral compass with my firm, personal belief that anyone can be handsome, really. Remember Ben?

A message from Alex comes through mid-scroll. I scream and throw my phone across the room. I somehow failed to take into consideration the social aspect of this early-morning, pity-fueled venture.

“Maddie?”

Of course the exact moment my phone hits the wall is when Cam uses the bathroom.

“I’m fine! Just a spider, but it’s gone now!”

She closes the bathroom door. I wait until she’s back downstairs before picking up my phone and not making eye contact with it until I’m back in bed.

Alex

Hi. You work in publishing? My sister’s writing a book—can you publish her? Lol



Maddie

Ha! No, that’s a common misconception; she’d need a literary agent first and sadly I don’t have acquisition power.



Alex

There’s something attractive about a person who knows how to correctly use a semicolon. I guess that comes with the job.



I smile and tap into his profile. Alex is white, brown-haired and -eyed with a slight dip in his chin. He’s easily attractive, like many men are—you could even overlook him.

Alex, 27

Bio: I recently read The Imaginary People and it floored me. I work as a Senior Sales Executive for a tech company but my passion is photography. Born in Michigan but raised in London. I’m bisexual so try not to stereotype.

Bisexual? Does that mean he’s only dating women right now? What happens when he prefers men again? Is that how it works? Can I ask him? Probably not.

Maddie

You work in sales but love photography? They’re so different, aren’t they?



Alex

Yeah, I know my way around an extensive Excel spreadsheet and needed to put that to some use but I love taking photos. It’s going to sound cheesy but there’s something special about immortalizing memories and having the sight of a thing change through the view of a lens.



Maddie

I don’t think that’s cheesy at all.



Alex

Do you have a project or a thing that gives you that feeling?



Maddie

I used to write a lot … but ran out of things to say.



Alex

I like how you type. It’s like you’re actually talking.



Maddie

I’ve been told that before, well, once before: “It’s like you’re in the room, Mads.” Jury’s still out on whether she meant that to be a good thing.



___

Michael

Want to see a picture of my cat?



Maddie

I’m more of a dog person but sure!



Michael

Maddie

Sir, why are you naked in this photo?



___

Ezra

Don’t freak out but I’m really into Race Play. It’s not a racism thing just a preference thing



Maddie

Is typing …



Ezra

Hello?



___

Darren

Fun fact about me is I never dated a Black woman before but I always wanted to try it. See more of whats out there





* * *



I don’t fall asleep until three. I spent the first few hours of the morning talking to Alex. Even Jo went to bed before I did.

Alex lives in Putney, prefers green tea to coffee, and has a rescue Labrador called Rufus. I was the last to message, and he hasn’t sent a reply yet.

Maybe because it’s a weekday and regular people are on their way to work?

I remember why I’m not on my way to work.