Maame(72)

Which means I actually haven’t been okay for a while and it’s scary having to think so far back. It means I’ve been slowly falling apart for a very long time and it might take even longer to piece me back together.

Yet another burst of laughter escapes the garden and I wonder what I’ve missed.

“But yeah,” Jo says, “on Sunday, Em and I are trying that new brunch place in Highbury and Islington you told us about, Liv. On Saturday, I’ll go and see Dad, then in the afternoon Claudia’s mum’s having a barbecue, so that should be fun. Which reminds me, I can’t show up empty-handed; you know what her mum’s like. I’ll need to do a bit of a shop tomorrow. Any of you know a good cheesecake recipe?”



* * *



I eat my pasta in my room, but keep replaying Jo’s words, and feel lonely in a way that hollows out my chest and stomach.

I log in to church online and load the latest message. I realize I haven’t been since Dad died. I’m sure God understands I’m on annual leave from everything.

It begins to play, but I can’t give it my full attention, so I tidy my room at the same time. They play a song with a catchy refrain, and I’m humming along as I rearrange my bookshelf. The pastor welcomes everyone to church, those in the building and those of us watching at home. I know it’s a recording and no one can see me, but I still move out of the camera’s sight.

I zone out, catching words and scriptures, but something snaps me back to attention right before the group prayer starts.

He says, “We want to encourage you all to pray right now, those of you here today and those of you watching at home. If there is anyone out there suffering from loss, financial insecurity, anxiety, illness, trouble with employment, family and/or friends, we want to pray for and with you, right now.”

This is a staple of the Sunday service; it’s an ending as guaranteed as death. I have heard these words on so many Sundays I could recite them if I wanted to, but today they feel new and tailored. I’ve never been one of those people in a crowd of hundreds who believe someone on a stage is talking directly to them, but today I feel maybe that his words are meant for me.

He sounds so sincere when he looks directly into the camera and says, “We just want to pray for you.”

I could exit the browser; I could just shut my laptop, but instead I listen, captivated, as he prays to God on our behalf. We are His children and there is nothing God wouldn’t do for us. We are loved and we are blessed.

I cry, not because I agree, but because it hurts that I don’t. Because I wish that I did. Instead, I wake up every day and I smile when I need to and talk when I have to, but I am in constant pain, and I have been for too long.

One song closes and another is sung. We’re encouraged to go to God not only for our material requests but for all things. I recall my prayers over the years; I remember that I have not asked for a car or money I didn’t earn. In varying degrees of desperation, I have asked to be fixed.

I wipe my nose and tell the empty space around me that all I want is to be less sad.



* * *



After the service, my phone buzzes with a reminder: Carrow Writers deadline. It’s the writing opportunity I found in the library.

I click on to the website and, sure enough, the deadline is midnight. I look through my WIP folder, and without opening the document, select the nine-hundred-and-something-word passage I wrote about leaving Dad. I submit it without rereading. It’s a terrible submission; I can’t imagine the number of spelling mistakes it has or if it’s even coherent, but at least I’ve done something with it.

I close my laptop, get into bed and lie there wide awake until midnight.

Google: Why can’t I sleep?

Insomnia—Help guide

Depression is one of the most common causes of insomnia and difficulty sleeping can cause symptoms to worsen. Other common emotional and psychological causes include anger, grief, bipolar disorder, and trauma.

Google: What to do when you can’t sleep

7 reasons why you’re not sleeping—Mogg Health

Beat stress and feel more relaxed

What should I do if I can’t sleep—forum

Why can’t you sleep—here’s the answer

How to fall asleep in 60 seconds

Sleep disorders and problems: 10 types and causes

Tired but can’t sleep—take this quiz to find out why

Try our app—the number-one app for sleep and meditation The ten most popular apps today

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It’s past midnight, and Jo’s bedroom is still open. A cork is popped. Laughing. Bottle neck clinking against glass.

Profile name: Maddie Wright

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University: Birkbeck University

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What to say about myself …

I turn over and stare at the ceiling.

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When Harry Met Sally is my favorite movie and I once drove from London to Brighton with an ex-boyfriend and a chicken.

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