Loveless(43)

He nodded earnestly. ‘Of course.’

When I left, there was a short moment of overwhelming relief.

But after that, I just hated myself.





I didn’t even end up going back to St John’s.

I went straight downstairs and out of Castle college, thinking I was going to go to Tesco to get some comfort food for the evening. But then I just sat down on the steps and couldn’t move.

I was utterly, utterly messing this up.

I was going to end up hurting Jason.

And I was going to end up alone. Forever.

If I couldn’t like a guy who was lovely, kind, funny, attractive, my best friend … how could I ever like anybody?

It didn’t play out like this in movies. In movies, two childhood best friends would eventually realise that, despite everything, they had been made for each other this whole time, that their connection went beyond just attraction, and then they’d get together and live happily ever after.

Why wasn’t this playing out like that?

‘Georgia?’ said a voice from behind me. I twisted my body, startled that someone whose voice I didn’t immediately recognise knew who I was. I was startled again to see that it was Sunil, my college parent, who had the self-confidence of a member of Queer Eye.

‘Sunil,’ I said.

He chuckled. He was wearing a thick colour-block coat over a classic black tux.

‘Correct,’ he said.

‘How come you’re at Castle?’

‘Music practice,’ he said, smiling warmly. ‘I’m in the student orchestra and needed to run through a couple of things with the other cellists.’ He sat down next to me on the steps.

‘You play the cello?’

‘I do. It’s quite enjoyable, but orchestra is stressful. The conductor doesn’t like me because me and Jess always get caught chatting.’

‘Jess … from the Pride Soc stall? She’s in it too?’

‘Yup. Viola, so she wasn’t there today. But we pretty much do everything together.’

I thought that was a cute thing to say, but I was struggling to feel any positive emotions about literally anything, so I just tried to force a smile, which obviously failed.

‘You OK?’ he asked, raising his eyebrows.

I opened my mouth to say yes, I was absolutely fine, but I started hysterically laughing instead.

I think that was the closest thing I had to crying in front of someone else.

‘Oh no,’ said Sunil, eyes widening in alarm. ‘You’re definitely not OK.’

He waited for me to say something.

‘I’m fine,’ I said. If I was a doll, that would be one of my pre-recorded phrases.

‘Oh no.’ Sunil shook his head. ‘That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard in my life.’

That actually did make me laugh for real.

Sunil waited again to see if I was going to elaborate, but I didn’t.

‘You didn’t come to the Pride Soc Freshers’ Week club night,’ he continued, turning to me a little.

‘Oh, er, yeah.’ I shrugged weakly. ‘Er … club nights aren’t really my thing.’

I’d got the email about it, of course. It’d been two weeks ago. Pride Soc Welcomes You! Come Party with Your New Family of QUILTBAGs! I had to Google what QUILTBAG meant, but even while doing that, I knew I wouldn’t go. Even if I liked drinking and clubbing, I wouldn’t go. I didn’t belong. I didn’t know whether I was a QUILTBAG or not.

He nodded. ‘You know what? Same.’

‘Really?’

‘Yep. Can’t stand alcohol. It gives me the shakes and I’m such a lightweight. I’d much rather have a queer film night or a queer tea party, you know?’

As he spoke, I glanced down at his jacket and found that he was wearing those badges again. I homed in on the one with the purple, black, grey and white stripes. God, I’d meant to look up what that meant. I really did want to know.

‘Speaking of Pride Soc,’ he said, gesturing at his tux, ‘I’m heading off to its autumn formal. The rest of the exec team are setting it up right now and I’m hoping there haven’t been any disasters.’

I didn’t know what possessed me to ask, but the next thing I said was, ‘Can I come?’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘You want to come along? You didn’t RSVP to the email.’

I’d received that email too. I hadn’t deleted it. I’d imagined quite vividly what it would be like to attend something like that, confidently a part of something.

‘I could … help set up?’ I suggested.

I liked Sunil. I really did. I wanted to hang out with him a little more.

I wanted to see what the Pride Soc was like.

And I wanted to forget about what had just happened with Jason.

He looked at me for a long moment, and then he smiled. ‘You know what? Why not. We could do with an extra person to help blow up balloons.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah!’

Suddenly I felt myself getting cold feet. I looked down at my overalls and woolly jumper. ‘I’m not dressed for a formal.’

‘No one gives a shit what you’re wearing, Georgia. This is the Pride Society.’

‘But you look sexy and I look like I just rolled up to a nine a.m. lecture.’