Loveless(42)

‘That was all after. Before then, that was the thing people would pick on me about. And you know … people would say it was because I was ugly and I had acne and I liked musical theatre and just stupid shit like that. That sort of thing doesn’t bother me now, but I guess it did when I was younger.’

‘Oh,’ I said, but my voice felt hoarse all of a sudden. ‘That’s horrible.’

‘When we left in Year Eleven, Ed gave me this framed photo.’ He pointed at the photo. ‘Sarah and Freddie. And Ed was like, this is a good luck charm to help you get a girlfriend. We both really loved the Scooby-Doo movies, and it became an ongoing joke that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Junior were, like, the pinnacle of romance, because they’re real-life married and on-screen love interests. Every time someone we knew got into a relationship, we’d be like, but are you at Sarah and Freddie’s level, mate. I … yeah. OK. It sounds weird when I try to explain it.’

‘No, it’s funny,’ I said. ‘I just hope they don’t get divorced any time soon.’

He nodded. ‘Yeah. That would kind of mess the whole thing up.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Anyway, after he gave it to me, I had my first kiss like a week later.’ Jason chuckled. ‘I mean, it was a shit kiss, but … I guess I got it out of the way. So now it is a good luck charm.’

Jason told this story like it was a funny anecdote that I was supposed to be laughing at. But it wasn’t funny.

It was really fucking sad.

I remembered the story of his first kiss with a girl he didn’t really like that much. He’d told me and Pip that it wasn’t great, but he was glad he’d got it out of the way but hearing all this from Jason now made me realise what had actually happened.

He’d felt pressured into having his first kiss. Because people were bullying him for not having kissed anyone, he forced himself to do it, and it was bad.

A lot of teenagers did that. But hearing it from Jason made me really, really angry.

I knew what it was like to feel bad about not having kissed anyone.

And to feel pressured into doing it because everyone else was.

Because you were weird if you hadn’t.

Because this was what being a human was all about.

That was what everyone said.

He looked up at the picture. ‘Or maybe it isn’t a good luck charm. I guess my romantic experiences until now haven’t been … great.’ He looked away. ‘A shit first kiss and then … Aimee.’

‘Yeah, Aimee was a disgusting human being.’

‘I think I only stayed with Aimee for so long because I was scared of being single and, like … being that person again. People had been shitting on me for years because I was … I dunno, unlovable or something. If I broke up with Aimee, I thought I was gonna be, like, unlovable forever.’ His voice quietened. ‘I really believed she was the best I deserved.’

‘You deserve more,’ I said immediately. I knew this to be true because I loved him. Maybe I wasn’t in love with him, not yet, but I did love him.

‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I mean, I know. I know that now.’

‘OK, Mr Self-Confidence.’

He laughed. ‘Just wish I could tell that to sixteen-year-old me.’

I was a hypocrite.

I was doing exactly what Jason had forced himself to do all those years ago. Have experiences, kisses, relationships – all because he was scared to be different. He was scared to be the guy who hadn’t kissed anyone.

That was exactly what I was doing. And I was going to end up hurting him.

Maybe I should just tell him now. Tell him we should stop this, end it, just stay as friends.

But maybe, if I just held on for a little bit longer, we would fall in love, and I would not hate myself any more.

Before I had the chance to speak again, Jason had already moved to the headboard and opened up his laptop. ‘Anyway. A movie?’He patted the bed next to him and pulled a blanket from underneath him. ‘You can choose, since I chose the cinema movie.’

I moved next to him to survey the movie options. He pulled the blanket over our legs. What if this was all a precursor to us having sex? Or even just kissing? This was the normal time when we would start kissing, right? People who were on a date didn’t just sit through a movie. They got ten minutes in and then started making out. Was I going to have to do that? Just thinking about it made me want to cry.

I chose something and we watched in silence. I kept fidgeting. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

‘Georgia?’ Jason asked after about twenty minutes. ‘You … OK?’

‘Erm …’ I was freaking out. I was majorly freaking out. I liked Jason and I wanted to chill out and watch a movie with him. But I didn’t want to do any of the other stuff. What if my sexuality was just the letter ‘X’, like the Kinsey Scale had told me? ‘Actually, I’m feeling a bit unwell.’

Jason sat up from the headboard. ‘Oh no! What’s wrong?’

I shook my head. ‘Nothing bad, I just … I’m just a bit headachy, to be honest.’

‘Do you wanna call it a day? You should go take a nap, or something.’

God. Jason was so nice.

‘Would that be OK?’ I asked.