Love Songs & Other Lies(57)
When a tear falls down her cheek, I want to jump out of a window and end this torture for myself. And for her.
“Shit.” I brush her cheek with my thumb, holding her face between my hands. “I thought you’d be excited. I wasn’t trying to make you cry. It was stupid. Forget it, okay?”
She finally breaks her silence as she lets out a long whoosh of air, like she’s been holding her breath. “No, it’s fine, I just—I mean … God, I’m a jerk.”
“I didn’t want to say it, but you kind of are—” She slaps me playfully on the chest and I pull her tight to me. “I want to go to Chicago with you, Vee. Just think about it, okay?” I feel her nod against my chest and I promise myself I’ll never try to surprise her again.
VIRGINIA
“Nonni! It’s VA Day!” I place the cappuccino on her bedside table, and she stares longingly at the steaming cup of gas station contraband.
“You’ve always been my favorite,” she says.
I’ve been so wrapped up in Cam and thinking about my future, I haven’t seen Nonni in a few weeks. “Sorry I’ve been away.”
It’s easy to put coming here out of my mind when I’m caught up in life. When I’m actually sitting in this room, the guilt catches up to me. Every time I come, I promise myself I’ll be better.
Nonni hasn’t met Cam yet, but I’ve told her all about him. Last time I was here, I brought in a few pictures and a shaky video of the two of us playing our guitars at the beach. She teared up when she watched it. “You got some good stories to tell me?” Nonni’s eyes light up. “How are things going with that boyfriend of yours?”
“He’s not my boyfriend, Nonni.” I don’t know why I’m even arguing the point anymore, when Cam and I obviously became a couple so long ago. It’s become habit. And it annoys Nonni, so I keep it up. We’re old news to everyone else. No one even asks us questions around school anymore.
Nonni waves her hand in the air like I’m being ridiculous. “Well, whatever you call him, how is he?”
“It’s good. He’s good.” I take a sip from my own Styrofoam mug. “He wants to go to college together.” It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud to anyone. “In Chicago. He actually applied for me and surprised me with the acceptance letters.”
I’m not sure why I haven’t already told Cam I’m going with him, because I know I am. I just needed a few days to freak out. Saying the words is hard for some reason. Going to college with the guy I’m dating makes me uncomfortable. Even though Northwestern is the school I really should be going to. I’ve pictured State with Logan and Anders for so long that it’s hard to see myself in this new picture; me and Cam, in Chicago. Every time I think about telling Cam I’m going, I start thinking of all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’ve been telling myself it doesn’t matter; I have plenty of time to decide. A lot of people I know haven’t even finished their applications yet. It matters to him, though. And I need to start a whole new plan, if I’m moving to Chicago in less than a year.
Nonni is giving me a dreamy look like I just told her I’m getting married. “Well, that’s something, isn’t it.”
“It’s something, all right.” I smile at her. “Most of the time I’m sure about going … but then sometimes … I have second thoughts.”
“What do you think about?”
“What?”
“When you have second thoughts. What are you thinking about?” she asks.
“I feel like Cam has secrets, I guess. Sometimes I think we know each other inside and out, because I’m so comfortable with him. But when I really think about it, there are lots of things he hasn’t told me.” I actively try not to think about this.
“Have you asked him?”
“No. I mean, it’s not really my business to make him tell me. Not if he doesn’t want to.”
“He says he loves you?” Her mouth is scrunched up like she just ate something bad and her brows are pinched together. She’s ready to get serious with me. It’s life-lesson time.
I nod. Cam tells me he loves me all the time.
“And he wants you to move to another state to go to school with him?”
I nod again. I have a pretty good idea of where she’s going with this.
“Then I think you’ve earned the right to pry, dear. Love entitles you to some of that.” She winks at me and I take another sip of my steamy drink.
“What if he won’t?” I swallow back the lump in my throat. I spent seventeen years without Cam, but now it’s hard to picture my day-to-day life without him. I’m not sure how that even happens. How someone is able to permeate your life so quickly, seeping into all the cracks and becoming the glue that holds it together.
“Then he won’t tell you,” she says. “And you’ll have to decide if you’re okay with that.” She grabs my hand from my lap, and pulls it onto the bed next to her. “You’re the one who decides what you deserve, Ginny. Not him.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
NOW
CAM
Vee usually disappears for a couple hours before she turns up in bed, so tonight I’m going to find out where she goes. After our fight the other night, and the days of silence that have followed, I have nothing to lose. I climb over the last rung of the ladder and kneel down on the shiny black roof of the bus.