Limitless Love (Lotus House #4)(73)

Clayton moved toward the bed, likely having sensed I’d returned to the here and now. He pulled me into his arms and wedged his face against my neck. “Oh my God. You scared the fuck out of me. I love you. Monet, I’m sorry. I love you,” he repeated, obviously needing to make sure I knew it.

“It’s okay. I’m okay now.” I locked my arms around his strong back and tried to remember. For a long time, Clay held me and we did yoga breathing, in for four breaths, out for four breaths, until both of us were calm enough to speak. I settled my ear to his chest and listened to his heartbeat. My favorite place.

You are not alone, Moe. Clayton’s with you. He’d never hurt you. It was just a flashback.

Clayton petted my hair and placed kisses on my forehead and wherever he could reach. One of his hands eased up and down my back in soothing gestures that put me into a trancelike state. Gone was the frightening moment of being back there in Kyle’s clutches. Gone was the fear he’d caused. In its place was warmth, life, and love. Clayton could give me all of that, and I was finally able to accept it.

“Clay, tell me what you experienced. I know you’re shaken up,” I requested, speaking to his chest but not ready to look into his eyes.

His large frame trembled as if it was hard to speak. “We were, uh…having fun. I was behind you, with my hand otherwise, uh…busy. And then…fuck. Shit just went bad. Really fucking bad, Monet.” His voice cracked, sounding like heavy boots over gravel.

I could feel wetness slide down the heated skin of my shoulder. I eased back and found his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. I cupped both of his cheeks and kissed him softly because I knew he needed it. Whatever I’d gone through had pained him as much as it had me.

Taking a moment to breathe, allowing my heart to settle at his concern, I finally spoke. “I had a flashback of when Kyle had me pinned down in the garage. He sat on top of me from behind and yanked my head backward by my hair in order to cut my throat.”

Watching Clayton’s expression crumble into one of sheer misery and then horror probably topped the list of the last things I’d ever want to see in my lifetime.

Seeing my big, strong, capable man break right before my eyes eviscerated me.

He shook his head. “I did that. I took you back there. Me. I hurt you.” He stood up and started pacing.

As scared as I was and as shaky as the flashback had left me, we both needed to get past this.

Naked as the day I was born, I came up behind him, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed my lips into his back. “No. You do not get to take that on your shoulders.” I cleared my throat. “Never. Not ever. Don’t compare what we have to what that vile man did to me. You didn’t know.” I sucked in a harsh breath. “Honey, I didn’t know that would happen. I’m sorry I scared you.”

He turned around so fast it put me off-kilter, but he caught me and plastered my body up against his chest. “You’re sorry? No. I should have known better.” His jaw was firm, hardened in a way that reminded me of what he looked like when he first took in my features after the initial attack.

“But you couldn’t…” I tried.

“My job is to know what you need, when you need it. I failed.” He ran a shaky hand through his spikey hair. Blond layers fell every which way, making him even more ruggedly handsome.

I rubbed my hands up and down his chest. “Clayton, you do know what I need, because all I need is you. You being understanding as I figure this out. You here for me, for Lily. I’m sorry I scared you. It’s very clear to me that I need to spend more time talking to my therapist about what happened. And perhaps, the next time we’re in a particular position, we’ll plan for it. You can help me get past it. Do you think you could do that? Work with me on crossing over that fear?”

Clayton fell to his knees before me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me close before kissing my belly. There he rested his forehead in supplication. “I’ll be whatever you need. Anything. Anytime. Whenever.”

I wiped at my tears. “I love you.”

“I love you too. So much.” He kissed my belly again and laid his head there so he could look up. His eyes were a murky blue, unlike the startling sky blue they usually were when he held me.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” I whispered as a tear fell onto his cheek.

“I’m sorry too. We’ll get past this, beautiful.”

I ruffled his hair. “Yes, I do believe we can get through anything as long as we’re together.”



* * *



I entered the kitchen to the sounds of Queen’s “We Are the Champions.”

“Queen?” I chuckled.

“Yes, Mommy?” Lily answered as if I’d called for her. My little girl was a riot.

Clayton grinned, bit into a carrot, and then tossed one to my love bug. She picked it up and crunched loudly the same way he did.

I shook my head and smiled and my two loves. They filled my heart with such joy, I should have easily been able to push aside all the latent negativity of my experience with Kyle, but I couldn’t. My therapist said it would take time. Intellectually, I knew this. I’d said the same thing many times in my daily practice. It just didn’t fit into my world. I had everything I’d ever wanted munching on carrots and dancing to Queen in my kitchen. Nothing should be able to bring me down.