Limitless Love (Lotus House #4)(24)
I shook my head and abruptly backed up. He frowned, his arms falling to his sides. My guess was he probably sensed my confusion at what was taking place between us.
“Clayton, I’m not sure I can do that. I’m not even sure I’m capable of giving anything right now.” The words were honest and heartbreaking at the same time. Mostly because in another place and time I would have jumped at the chance to be this man’s girl. To experience the chemistry and spark, as he put it. To live it every day, be excited about every call. Planning meals, dressing up, trying to impress him. Now, like this, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Kyle had taken that from me. My confidence was black and wasted like a piece of burnt toast. I had no idea when it would come back around, or when I would. He didn’t deserve to wait, put his life on hold for what might be.
Clayton inclined against the counter, his muscles bunching seductively. Ugh, why did he have to be so attractive?
“Do what?” He flattened his lips and narrowed his eyes.
I licked my lips, distracted by his beauty regardless of his obvious irritation. What I wouldn’t have given to be whole. “I don’t think it’s fair for us to let it play out.”
He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive posture. “Care to tell me why?”
Honesty. He deserved that. “Look, Clayton, you are an amazing man, but you don’t need this.” I pointed to my chest. “I’m messed up. My ex is after me and could hurt anyone in my path, including you. I have a child…” I could have gone on and on, but really, it wasn’t necessary. My baggage was obvious and far heavier than any one man should have to endure entering a new relationship. Not that this was a relationship.
Clayton shook his head, turned, and flicked the burners on once more. With efficient movements, he stirred and prepped the rest of the food. I noted a pan full of succulent spiced ground meat, a pot of beans, another pan with homemade Mexican rice, and a cast-iron skillet with a stack of corn tortillas sitting on the counter next to it. He’d done all of this for me, and here I was telling him he should step back. Practically begging him to.
“Why don’t you let me decide what it is I need, huh?” he shot off as he tossed a tortilla on the hot skillet. The corn disc sizzled and popped instantly. Methodically he flipped it.
“Clay, you’re an impressive, handsome man who deserves a good woman. A whole woman. Not one who’s broken and damaged. Between Kyle, Lily…the attack.” The line of stitches running down my back smarted, causing me to pause and breathe through it. I closed my eyes tight. “I’m not what you need. I don’t know if what I have, what I am, even well and healthy would be good enough.” The truth burned like acid against my lips with each word. “You’re so much more than this, and I don’t know when I’ll be better. I’m certainly not worth the wait or the wasted time.” I clasped my fingers together and worried my sweater’s sleeve, which fell over the top of my hand. My throat was dry, and the admission of how jacked up my life had become was nauseating.
Clayton spun around, slamming the spatula down on the counter. I jumped a bit at the crack of the plastic as it landed on the marble. Anger tightened around his lips, and a hardness I hadn’t seen before entered his eyes. I bristled at this new side of Clayton but wouldn’t allow it to outwardly affect me. He didn’t deserve that. I wasn’t scared of him. He’d never hurt me. I knew that with my entire being.
“Spending time with you, with Lily, and Atlas and Mila is not wasted.” His voice was low and even-tempered. He inhaled sharply through his nose. “If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been enjoying myself. For once.” He groaned, sounding frustrated, possibly even disappointed.
“For once?” I blinked, desperately trying to figure out where he was going with this.
His tone rose. “Yeah, for once I got off work and had a home to go to. Not an empty bachelor pad, but a real home with people in it I care about. People who I thought wanted to see me. Are you telling me you don’t want me here?” His eyes blazed with an emotion I couldn’t pin down, but seeing it made me feel ugly and uncomfortable.
Was I? That wasn’t my intention. “I’m saying everything all wrong.” I flicked my hands, trying to ease the worry and instability I felt roaring through my veins. Damned meds. I couldn’t get my mouth around what I wanted to express, and I was a doctor for crying out loud. I talked people off cliffs for a living, and I couldn’t share with one man why his interest in me wasn’t a good choice. I took a slow breath and tried again. “Of course we want you here. You’ve been nothing but helpful, and you’re our friend. What I said came out wrong, and you’re misinterpreting.”
“Yeah?” His eyebrows rose in question.
“Yes,” I blurted, not knowing what else to say to make things better, to show him that he mattered but not lead him down a slippery path I wasn’t sure I could take with him. Not now, maybe not ever.
“There’s that word again.”
I pursed my lips and placed my hands on my hips. “Well, you are.”
He ran a hand through his hair and looked over my shoulder. I did as well and noted Lily happily watching cartoons. Atlas was on the couch next to her, plucking at his guitar and writing things down in a small notepad, totally oblivious to the strange smackdown of wills we were having in the kitchen.