Inevitable and Only(73)

I couldn’t speak. What she was going through, what she must’ve been going through for the past three months, was more horrible than anything I could imagine. I hadn’t known the full extent of it, but I’d known enough. And I’d barely given it a thought.

Elizabeth took her hand out of her mouth. “On good days,” she said, speaking so quietly and quickly I had to lean in to hear her, “I think, it’s fine, she knew me better than anyone. She probably knew, deep down, somehow. And she never said anything, so it was probably fine. But on bad days—” She moaned, and I reached over to take her shaking hands. She let me, so I held them tightly. “Cadie, I never got to ask her if it was okay, if she still loved me. If she thought God still loved me. On the bad days, it feels like I just can’t live with that.”

“Look,” I said, just as quietly, “I don’t know anything about God and I won’t pretend that I do. But your mom loved you no matter what. If you’d told her, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I swear.”

She shook her head. “You have no right to say that. You don’t have a clue what any of this is like.”

I bit my lip. Fair enough. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I know I don’t. And I’m—I really am sorry. For what Raven and I said about you, but also for—well, for everything. I know I’ve—”

“You still don’t get it,” she interrupted. “I hate her. I hate her for leaving me, just when I was finally ready to talk to her about—this. I hate her and I can’t forgive her, I feel like I’ll never forgive her, and that’s the worst thing of all. In the eyes of God.”

I’d been so focused on my own issues with Dad, and all this time … Elizabeth and I were going through something more similar than I’d realized. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I rubbed her hands some more, and that seemed to be the right thing. Or maybe she felt better just getting all of that out. Her hands, which had been rigid, relaxed slightly in mine, and gradually she stopped sobbing.

After a while, I let go and grabbed a bunch of tissues from the bedside table.

“Thanks.” She blew her nose a few times, then attempted to smile. “So, now you know you’re welcome to have Farhan back. I couldn’t figure out any way to make him leave me alone, especially not with the way you were pretending you didn’t care. But now you know.”

I had the absurd urge to laugh. “Oh, that doesn’t matter anymore. Really and truly.”

“What do you mean?” she said, blowing her nose again. “I could tell, you did mind, you were so into him.”

“Well, yeah. I did, at first. But I’m over him now. Let’s talk about you and Heron.”

Elizabeth squeaked.

“Come on!” I said. “I told you, I think she’s great. So when did you, I mean, how long—”

“Cadie. I’m not ready for this yet.”

“Right. Sorry.” I sat there quietly, while she jiggled the lighter and cigarettes in her pocket. I wished I could do something—say something—fix things, in some small way. But Elizabeth was right. I had no idea what she was going through. I had barely treated her like a sister, much less welcomed her into her new home—into her own family. I’d never met her mom, I knew next to nothing about Sunshine. There was no way I could even begin to help her heal that wound.

“I’m just going to go outside for a few minutes—” she started.

And then an idea hit me. A brilliant, brilliant idea.

“Hey,” I said. “Wait. Are you up for an adventure?”

“Umm …”

“No, don’t think,” I said, already out of bed and getting dressed again. “Just grab your license. And your keys.”

We tiptoed down the stairs and past Josh, sleeping on the couch. But as we reached the front door, I heard his voice.

“Cadie? Where’re you going?”

I turned and put a finger to my lips. “Shhh. We’re going on a secret adventure.”

He rubbed his eyes. “Can I come?”

Hmm … well, why not? “Okay, but hurry. Quietly.”

As he slipped on his shoes, I noticed his cello case standing by the door, and I had another idea. “Why don’t you bring your cello, too?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Where are we going?”

“I can’t tell you yet. Don’t you want a surprise?”

Josh is not always a fan of surprises. But then again, he’s also not the type of kid to sneak off in the middle of the night. Nothing about this evening was usual.

He looked around, as if making sure Ruby and Renata were nowhere to be seen. Then he strapped his cello onto his back, over his pajamas. “Okay,” he stage-whispered, his face breaking into a grin. “I’m ready.”

In the car, Elizabeth fiddled with radio stations, while I took out my phone and typed in the address, palms sweaty and heart pounding. I didn’t remember these streets, especially not in the dark. Maybe I should’ve called first. But where was the spontaneity, the spirit of adventure, in that? Josh’s eyes shone in the rearview mirror, and I realized I hadn’t seen him this happy or excited in a long time. Maybe I wasn’t thinking straight. But I didn’t care.

In this moment, it was the inevitable and only action.