I Was Told It Would Get Easier(17)

The cafeteria made me feel like the oldest person in the world. I was surrounded by college students, all of whom seemed to be digging into giant salads and green juices, and were probably going to work out later. Where was the pizza? Where were the hangovers? I flipped through the brochure they’d given us, pausing at the “Tuition and Financial Aid” section. Let’s see . . . $50K a year tuition (I’m rounding down), let’s say $5K a year for housing, let’s add another $5K for books, clothes, and soft drugs . . . Let’s be friendly and call it a quarter of a million dollars. No problem (insert sound of choking, body falling to the ground).

I texted Frances again.

“Hey, I’m back.” I waited a moment, then her answer popped up.

“Hey, back.”

“I’m freaking out. I left the guided tour and I’m hiding in the cafeteria.”

“Good choice. Get a muffin.”

“I’m never going to get another job.”

“You haven’t actually quit this one yet.”

“John’s probably interviewing replacements.”

“Doubtful. Did you get a muffin? How’s Emily?”

“Yes, I got a muffin. She’s okay. She’s not actively hating me, anyway.”

“Well, that’s good. Sasha already told me I’m ruining her life, I don’t understand anything, and she hates me. I haven’t even had my third cup of coffee.”

I grinned at the phone. “The holy trinity! Congrats on hitting your goals for the day already.” I added a trophy emoji.

“Thanks. I’m pretty proud. At least Theo still loves me.”

“Hah. His time will come.”

I looked up from the phone and saw Emily, standing near the doorway with the rest of the kids, frowning at me. Well, they weren’t frowning at me; it was only her.

“Gotta go,” I texted Frances. “Emily just spotted me playing hooky.”

“Busted,” she replied. “Enjoy!”





EMILY


Mom’s got a uterus of steel, I have to give her that. We met up after the tour was done and she greeted me like nothing happened.

“Well?” She smiled as she asked, and for a moment I didn’t want to be angry with her about anything, and have a hug, but that never feels like an option anymore. And what if she’d been talking to school on the phone? It couldn’t be, because she definitely wouldn’t have been smiling.

“Well what?” I replied wittily.

“Did you enjoy the tour?”

I nodded. “Did you enjoy the cafeteria?”

“Yeah, although I have to tell you, the coffee wasn’t that great.”

I said, “You ditched the tour? After all that crap this morning about taking this trip seriously and paying attention?”

“Yes,” she said, and leaned closer. “I was freezing to death, despite my coat, and I thought if I died you’d be really embarrassed, so I was honestly doing it to save your reputation.”

For a moment I wanted to laugh, and she was obviously trying to be forgiven, but instead I frowned at her and turned away. This happens a lot. I get angry and I can’t back down because if I back down it feels like losing, even though I know she’s not trying to win. I guess I’m in the clear with school though, thank god, because she would definitely have led with that.





JESSICA


Emily was mad at me for ditching the tour, but what can you do? I tried to make a joke of it but she wasn’t buying it. Teenagers can smell hypocrisy like blood in the water, and I was annoyed at myself for undermining my own credibility for a cup of coffee. But, dude, I was cold and I needed to check my email and I’m forty-five years old and if I want to get a cup of coffee I’m going to. See how mature I sound? I’d love to blame Emily for making me childish, but I think it’s all on me.

Once the group was all there, we headed off campus to a nearby restaurant that Cassidy apparently picked simply because it had big enough tables. It smelled strongly of coffee and vaguely of shrimp, which was weird. I decided to risk further contact with my own child.

“Did you like anything about the college? Did anything stand out?”

Emily shrugged at me, ready to bury the hatchet, or at least place it on the ground for now.

“It was okay. I liked the girl who was showing us around.”

“She was cool?”

“She had pink hair.”

“Fair enough. Did you ask any questions?”

Emily shook her head. “No, Alice asked about sororities, and Will asked about balancing a job and college, and someone asked about engineering.”

“Did it feel like somewhere you might want to be?”

She was irritated. “Mom, I have no idea. I spent all of an hour on campus. How am I supposed to know anything about it? If I dated someone for an hour and then said we were moving in together for the next four years, you’d have me committed.”

She’s not wrong, of course, but I said, “Look, I only want you to make a good impression,” then wondered why on earth I’d said that. I hoped she’d roll on by, but of course not.

“On the pink-haired girl? Mother, she didn’t even know our names, she’s not paying any attention.” She looked at me angrily. “Or do you mean on the other parents? That’s who you really care about, right? Making sure I look good so the other parents won’t think you did a bad job.” Her tone was disgusted, but at least she lowered her voice. I glanced around the table and saw an echo of our conversation happening all over, parents and kids talking quietly in pairs, the kids looking irritated and hungry, the parents looking hopeful or frustrated, presumably depending on how long they’d been talking. I suddenly put my hand on Emily’s and smiled.