Here the Whole Time(48)
“Thank you so much, Marta. I swear I’ll come to visit more. Even if I don’t have to return this one,” I say, waving the book in the air.
“Yes, do come back. If you come at three o’clock, I can even offer you a cup of coffee,” she says sweetly.
We say our goodbyes and I take off.
It’s weird to come home from therapy and find Caio there. Even though he’s been staying here for over ten days, I’ll never get used to opening the door and finding him here, waiting for me.
Well, technically not waiting for me, but let me dream.
When I see him, he’s lying on the couch reading, and judging by the silence, I already know my mom isn’t home.
“I’m so glad you’re home! I couldn’t take it anymore!” Caio says as soon as he sees me walk in the door. “Your mom left and spent the whole afternoon out, and I’ve been alone this entire time. I thought I’d die of boredom, if that’s even possible.”
It’s possible.
And I know this because I’ve looked up “Can you die of boredom?” and discovered that yes, yes you can. My online search history is embarrassing, and I know it.
“How was therapy?” Caio asks, dragging me back from my thoughts.
“Ah, it was good. Olivia was proud of how things went this week.”
“Such as …?”
“Such as telling Jorge and Bruno to go fuck themselves,” I answer without skipping a beat.
Caio seems shocked. “She was proud? I need to meet this Olivia!”
“Oh, and there was also the weekly challenge, which I won! The one where I had to talk to you, you know.”
“And? Did you get a reward?” Caio asks excitedly.
“I did, but it wasn’t a big deal. Still, I saved one for you.” I take the yogurt candy from my pocket and throw it to him.
Caio catches it, still excited, and makes space for me on the couch.
“I can’t keep the whole thing,” he says.
“But you helped me. And I promised you’d get a prize.”
“Your challenge was to talk to me during the day, right?” he asks, and I feel ridiculous because who needs a therapist to be able to act like a normal human being and have a conversation?
Apparently, me.
“Yeah, that’s what it was,” I answer.
“So my job was merely to exist. And to listen. You did most of the work!” Caio says, opening the wrapper and biting half the candy.
“I think your share of it was to trust me and not think I’d lost my mind,” I say.
“You haven’t lost your mind. Not because of that, anyway.”
“So there are other reasons?” I laugh.
“Exactly. And one of them is that you’ve elected not to share this delicious prize with me,” Caio says, holding out the other half of the candy and wiggling his eyebrows in a way that’s simultaneously funny and, I don’t know, enticing.
“Okay, I’ll take my share,” I say, rolling my eyes and holding out my hand to grab my half.
And then the weirdest thing happens.
Because Caio doesn’t hand me the candy.
He goes to put it directly into my mouth.
And, reflexively, I just open it.
And for a second, the tips of his fingers are inside my mouth.
And this is the weirdest, most wonderful experience I’ve had in the last few years.
But, of course, my mom arrives at that exact moment, and the noise of her key turning the lock makes me jump, sending the candy straight to the back of my throat. I start coughing and can barely breathe. When the door opens, my mom finds Caio pulling my arm up and slapping my back, my face going red as I try to spit out the piece of candy.
Despite the choking that almost got me killed (I’m fine now, thanks for asking), I think my mom’s arrival was timely. Because I wouldn’t know how to deal with the immediate consequences of Caio placing a piece of candy inside my mouth.
What do people usually do in this kind of situation? Do they lick the other person’s finger? Give it a little nibble, maybe? I’d probably have had a nervous breakdown, so, yeah. Thanks, Mom.
Right after she came home, my mom made dinner. We ate in front of the TV by force of habit, and now, lying in bed and ready to sleep, the candy episode seems like a distant memory.
And I choose to believe that.
“So what’s the challenge this week? Anything I can help with?” Caio says, turning off the lights and settling on the mattress by my bed.
“I think this time I’ll have to figure it out myself,” I say.
“Why?”
“The challenge isn’t exactly something I have to do. It’s more like something I need to think about. To find out, actually. I need to find the trigger that gives me the courage to, I don’t know, do things I normally wouldn’t. Something I need to find inside myself. It’s a little confusing.”
“Whoa.” Caio seems surprised.
“Yeah. I won’t be able to figure it out in one week. I think it’ll be longer than that.”
“Like a month?” Caio asks optimistically.
“Like a lifetime,” I answer realistically.
“And do you know where to begin this search?”
“I think I do. I’m not sure. I got a book from the library today that might help me out. My grandma told me to read it when I was a kid, and at the time, I don’t think I really got what it was about.”