Here the Whole Time(46)

“I’ve already gotten the lecture. I’ve learned my lesson. I swear,” I say, holding up both hands so she’ll see I’m not crossing my fingers. This is probably the silliest thing I’ve ever done in her office.

“Okay, moving on, then. Confronting the two guys from school. Can you repeat to me exactly what you did when you felt threatened?”

“Exactly?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Including the curse word?”

“Felipe, trust me, I’ve heard much worse in this room,” she says with a soft smile, and I feel more at ease.

“Okay. I stood up, looked straight at them, and said, ‘Bruno, Jorge. Go fuck yourselves.’ And they left.” To be honest, I don’t know where she’s going with this.

“You got up from the table, and …”

“Told them to go fuck themselves?”

“No, no. Before that.”

“Looked straight at them?”

And then she gives a little tap on the table, as if she’s just uncovered a mystery.

“Can you see how important that is, Felipe? You looked straight at them. Not down. You faced them.”

I give her a small smile because, yeah, I did. I might not remember everything in detail, but I do remember looking at them. I suddenly feel like a superhero.

“Yeah. I did look at them,” I say, still a little astounded.

I find it amazing how therapy always makes the most obvious things seem like the discovery of the century.

“Can you tell me what motivated you to react differently this time?” Olivia asks.

“The beer?” I answer, hoping I’m wrong.

“I wonder. This might be your challenge for the week. Replay Saturday night in your head and try to figure out where that sudden bravery came from. Next week, we’ll talk more about that.”

I make a face. This is the first time that my challenge of the week doesn’t consist of anything concrete. The challenge is basically to rethink stuff that I did and try to understand what was going through my mind at the time. I do that pretty often as it is. My entire life. I deserve a truckload of yogurt candy for that.

And then Olivia stands, and I notice that our time is up.

“No, no! Wait! I’m not done!” I say, a little too hastily.

“Felipe, unfortunately I have another patient in ten minutes. I’d be more than happy to listen to you for a bit longer, but—”

“Caio and I slept together!” I say, trying to snatch her attention. Her eyes go wide, and I go on to give her the quickest summary of the story I can muster, without forgetting the important details. “Actually, we didn’t sleep-sleep together. We just slept in my bed. The two of us, together, in the same bed. And we fell asleep like that. And the next day—oh, god—it was a never-ending embarrassment, because I had no idea what that meant. Then we talked and apparently it didn’t mean anything. But then I freaked out and realized that I might be in love. And it’s not like what we feel for hot guys in movies. This is real, and it might amount to something in the end. And then Becky called, and she thinks I have to make it clear that I’m into him. And I have no idea how to do that. Because I’m afraid he’ll say no. Because I’m afraid of a lot of stuff, actually. Because, you know … I’m fat.” When I’m done saying all of this, my voice sounds weak.

Olivia takes a couple of notes on her notepad, then checks the clock, and her phone starts ringing. It’s the receptionist. The next patient is already here.

“Felipe. We’ve talked about this during so many sessions, and I am very proud to see how much you are growing. It’s normal to be afraid. It’s normal to want people’s approval,” she says as she walks me to the door. “And being in love is great. Don’t think of it as a curse. Use this opportunity to get to know yourself better. Think about this week’s challenge.”

“Any last-minute advice?” I ask, desperate, half my body already out of the room.

“There’s no need for fear,” she says with a smile.

And I walk out with the feeling that I’ve heard that before.



I’m in the town library. Olivia’s final bit of advice brought me here.

I don’t really know how to explain the way my brain works, but when I walked out of the office, I immediately started walking toward the library. It was here that my grandmother Thereza worked her whole life. It was here that I spent most of my childhood, when my grandma used to pick me up from school and bring me along with her because my mom was too busy at work.

I know every corner of this library, and as soon as I push open the heavy glass door, I can smell the books. The smell brings a lot of memories, and I smile because most of them are good.

“Felipe?” I hear a voice call out, and find a lady sitting behind the counter at the reception desk. It’s Marta. She’s always worked here at the library. She and my grandma were really close. When Marta greets me with a warm smile on her face, I realize how much I’ve missed her and didn’t even know it.

“Hi, Marta! How great to see you here,” I say, leaning against the counter.

“Oh, my boy. I’m always here. My children want to push me into retirement, but I can’t leave the books behind. What about you? How are you doing? You never come to visit anymore.” She says it jokingly, but I feel a sting of guilt.