Here the Whole Time(23)

“Doesn’t matter. I want girl bands with four members or fewer. Figure it out!”

“Can I choose the Cheetah Girls? After Luciana left, there were only four,” Caio says.

“The Cheetah Girls being the best or the worst?”

“Worst” is his determined answer.

“So, no, you can’t choose them,” I say, because I love the Cheetah Girls and also feel an unreasonable need to defend them.

“Fine. Girl bands with four members or fewer. Best in the world is Destiny’s Child. Worst in the world is Little Mix.”

I let out a guffaw when I’m reminded that SNZ was once a thing.

As we take turns, the categories become more complicated, but in the process I get to learn more about what Caio likes. He loves Lady Gaga, too (the category was pop divas who have starred in bad movies), and the scene in 13 Going on 30 where everyone dances to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” (the category was musical scene in movies that are not musicals).

We’re both very sleepy, but we don’t want to go to bed yet. The game has now reached bizarre levels, since Caio suggested the category unexpected male butts in movies. I laughed out loud, but then, surprisingly, I had my answers ready.

“Okay, here goes. Unexpected male butts in movies. Best in the world is Hugh Jackman’s butt in X-Men: Days of Future Past. Worst in the world is Matt Damon’s lanky ass in The Martian.”

Caio lets out a sleepy laugh, but he seems surprised.

“I thought this category would have stumped you, but you answered right away!”

“Don’t underestimate me, I’m an asspecialist.” And with that, both of us go silent, taking in what I just said.

I start thinking of a way to change the subject when Caio suddenly starts laughing harder than ever. He keeps repeating asspecialist as if it is the funniest thing in the universe, and I start laughing as well because it seems like the right thing to do.

“You’re funny, Lipé,” Caio says, catching his breath.

I freeze, because no one has called me that since my grandma died. What’s strange is that I thought I’d get mad if someone else, at any point in my life, called me that, but I’m not mad. I feel … comfortable. It feels like coming back home after traveling for weeks and realizing how much you missed your own bed.

Caio notices my silence.

“Is it okay if I call you that? Lipé, I mean. Because if you think it’s too much, just tell me, and I’ll—”

“It’s okay,” I interrupt. “I like being called Lipé.”

And then I fall asleep. With a smile on my face.





I WAKE FROM A FUNNY DREAM. Caio and I were living in our own musical, singing one song after the other. And for no apparent reason, we were wearing Power Ranger costumes. The songs were about stupid things, like breakfast. While I was dreaming, the lyrics seemed amazing, but now that I’m awake, I realize that they were actually really bad (“Hot buns, cold milk, this is what makes me thrilled! Thri-illed!” See what I mean?).

When I open my eyes, I still have that silly smile on my face. I probably had it while I was sleeping, and if Caio saw me with it, I hope he found it funny instead of disturbing. I want to tell him about my dream—sing him the song, even. But there’s a knot in my throat.

The blanket I hung on the window yesterday fell to the floor during the night, and the bedroom is flooded with light. I can see dust particles floating in the sunlight, and they mesmerize me for a few seconds. It’s funny how dust is always there, but we only really see it when there’s a beam of light. It’s kind of like me, but the other way around. Because I only show myself in the dark, you know? And also because I never go unnoticed.

Okay, that was the worst metaphor of all time. Let’s move on, shall we?

When I look over, Caio is already awake, reading The Two Towers. He seems focused on the story, but he can see that I’m up. Without peeling his eyes away from the book, he utters the first words of the day.

“Good morning, Lipé.”

“Good morning, Caio.”

I only now realize how hard it is to come up with a nickname for a name like his.

Here we go again. I don’t know what to say, and I feel like wrapping myself in my blanket and pretending I’m not here. I hear Olivia’s voice in my head repeating itself a thousand times, reminding me that this week’s challenge is to talk to this guy. I consider possible interesting subjects to start the day—“Sleep well?” “How do you like the book?” “Is it just me, or is it chilly?”—but I don’t say any of that. Because I’m tired of not knowing what to say, and of feeling a ton of words stuck in my throat. I’m tired of being a speck of dust dancing in the air without ever being noticed. (All right, all right. No more dust metaphors, I promise.)

And so, to break the silence, I tell the truth. Because those who tell the truth open the path for good things to happen. I think my mom said that once. Or maybe it was Dumbledore.

“My therapist gives me challenges sometimes—you know, tasks that I need to accomplish between sessions. And I know you didn’t ask to be a part of it, but—surprise!—my challenge this week is to talk to you during the daytime, in the light. A normal conversation. No blanket hanging on the window. And I don’t want it to seem as if I’m begging, like ‘Caio, for god’s sake, please talk to meee!’ ” I say all at once, and he starts laughing because I said that last part in a funny voice. “But, well … I basically am,” I add, staring intently at the ceiling and hoping he won’t think this is as ridiculous as I think it is.