Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(67)

The steam-shovel jaw suddenly sprang upward like a bear trap and bit Jack’s hand. Yowling, he wheeled across the platform and started smashing the cannonball against the altar, trying to get it off.

Princess Luscious didn’t know who this strange, noisy man was, nor did she care. “Back to the princess, here? Okay, I admit it, I was just kidding about the wizard—”

“What?! I gave up godhood for you!”

“Thanks. Done with you.”

Utterly and completely confused, Laura looked from Paul to the princess to Seeboth. Looking at them did nothing to relieve her confusion, so she tried running instead, retreating down the stairs.

Paul pursued her.

Princess Luscious started to follow. “Wait — I have a reputation to think about! A handmaiden over me?! What will they say back home!”

“Hey, don’t forget about Jack Bravado.” Having managed to get the head off his hand, he now took it upon himself to wheel Princess Luscious into a dramatic dip. “This is a pretty emotional time, and we all need someone special to grab on to. Lucky for you, I’m still available.”

Then he kissed her. He leaned over, pressed his lips against hers, and wiggled them about a bit. Such was his style.

ZAP!

A residual magic charge cracked from her kiss and blasted Jack across the platform. He landed hard beside Seeboth.

Horrified, Princess Luscious raced down the stairs after the others. “Gods, it’s not easy being rescued,” she said.

Jack looked up at Seeboth, cross-eyed with smoke wisping from his mouth. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff, darlin’. Once you’ve had Jack, you never go back.”

“How dare you taste her lips before me!”

Seeboth tore himself free of Flicker’s grip and dove atop Jack. The Flitterling drifted across the platform to take a seat on the altar where she could enjoy a better view of the show.





55



THE END


King Hofnar’s knees hit the sand with a thud.

The barbarian knelt before the overwhelming might of the army of Illigoz. His peasants had fled. His war hammer had failed him. His queen was still frigid.

King Sterling and Prince Savage sneered down at him encased in suits of shining armor that had never been scratched for they had never once seen actual battle.

“I’ve come to collect, Hofnar,” King Sterling said. “Surrender Lilypine or die like your son surely has.”

Hearing King Sterling speak so callously of Paul, hearing him speak of the death of his only son, King Hofnar felt something wild boil up in his blood and something hot stream from his eyes. He surged up, lunging for King Sterling’s throat, but the soldiers of Illigoz shoved him back down.

“So be it,” King Sterling said wearily. He drew his sword.

“Hello, father.”

As casually as if he’d just been collecting Lilypine cones, Paul emerged from the woods and strolled across the beach, Laura and Princess Luscious walking beside him.

No one was more shocked to see Paul than King Hofnar, nor was anyone more relieved. For one delirious moment, King Hofnar couldn’t even breathe as the worst fear of his entire life evaporated.

“King Sterling, I believe you owe my father a kingdom,” Paul said, striding right up to the invading monarch. “Surrender Illigoz ‘or die’, was it?”

“Surrender?!” Prince Savage scoffed. “To you and what army!”

Right on cue, the Shadowship hove above the forest with a flap of its great black wings. Jack saluted from the helm, thirteen cocker spaniel puppies dancing around his feet, as the gang of Fierce Flitterlings rained from the sky, and for good measure, an army of Zombies came marching up the beach with Jeremy acting as general.

Paul turned back to the stunned Sterlings.

“Boo,” he said.

Needless to say, King Sterling and his army fled. They also did things in their pants, but such things do not make for good reading.

King Hofnar stared at his son with disbelief in his eyes. “You live… I cannot believe it. My son lives!”

He slapped Paul’s shoulder, but that wasn’t good enough for Paul, not after everything he had been through. The young prince grabbed his father and pulled him into an embrace. King Hofnar resisted, but Paul pulled harder and dragged his father in.

Reluctantly, the king returned his son’s embrace, but he could feel his cheeks coloring beneath his brambly beard. “Paul, the Zombies be watching…”

To be honest, the Zombies didn’t care.

Flicker swooped overhead and cried, “We are HOME! Let the celebration begin!”

Everyone cheered. The Flitterlings heaved barrels of flitter nectar onto the beach. The Singing Sword began to play with such magic that even the Zombies began to dance. Joy swept across the beach. King Hofnar had to smile, though he didn’t completely understand why, and Queen Berba raced from the castle to embrace first her son and then, unexpectedly, her husband.

And that’s when a deafening white lightning bolt crashed down and blackened the sand. When it faded and when everyone had climbed back to their feet, Jahalael the Omnipotent blazed before Paul in all his crackling white glory. Instinctively, Paul began to kneel.

“No, no, none of that,” Jahalael said, grabbing Paul’s shoulder to keep him on his feet. “This time it’s my turn to thank you. I hit the jackpot today, and I owe it all to you, my champion.”