Gods & Monsters(62)
“Yes.”
I shake my head, chuckling. “God, you must think how stupid I am, right?”
“Pixie, I don’t…” He trails off before saying, “No, I don’t think that. If anything, I think I’ve been stupid. I’ve been fucking selfish for lying to you. I’ve hated it. I’ve hated every single second of it. There were times I didn’t wanna come home and look into your trusting face. There were times when I almost told you. I almost spilled my guts because it fucking hurt to look into your eyes, to see how bothered you were and it was because of me. And then one night you asked me if there was…” He sighs, tugs on his messy hair. “There’s no one else for me, Pixie. There can never be. Every day I fucking drown in you and I don’t wanna come up for air. How can there be someone else? I don’t want someone else.”
“So why didn’t you tell me? How can you lie to me when you love me so much?”
He seems to be gathering his thoughts and I let him do it, even though I want to scream at him, hit him, do something totally crazy right now. But I deserve an explanation, an honest explanation.
“My parents and I, we had a difficult relationship. When I found out about them, there were days I hated them for telling me. And then I hated them for not telling me before. It took me months, years to adjust to the fact that they were related and that no matter what, I loved them. And that was the root of the problem. The fact that I loved them. They did everything they could to give me a normal life. They loved me. They cared for me. It was hard to hate them but I wanted to.”
Abel takes a deep breath and plows his fingers through his hair, again. “And then, they died and I was sent to a town where people actually hated them. Called them names. Called me names. I…” He shakes his head, his eyes watering.
Why do I think today he’s going to lose the battle and his tears will shed? I’m dreading that moment.
“It messed with my head. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to… tear something apart. Every day was a struggle. Every day I wanted to leave that fucking town and go somewhere people didn’t know about them, about me. You were the only one who made things better. You were the only one who made me feel better about myself. You looked at me like I was some kind of a miracle. Like I mattered. But even that was so hard to come by. Even seeing you was so difficult. And it was all because of my parents, of where I came from. When they died, I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t hate them. That I’d make every effort to forgive them, not judge them. I wouldn’t taint my love with hatred, confusion. But I did. I broke my promise.
“I’d see you around town, at church, at school. I’d see you laughing. I’d see how I made you blush. How you were dying to come closer to me but you couldn’t. It made me hate my parents again. It made me feel like that little boy who couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that his parents were never supposed to be parents to a child. They were never supposed to be that to each other. And now because of them I couldn’t love my girl the way I wanted.”
God, he’s breaking my heart right now. I can’t stop my tears. The salty water streams down my cheeks as I listen to the love of my life pouring his heart out.
“A lot of times I thought I should back off. I thought, if so many people are saying the same thing, maybe it’s right. Maybe my blood really is bad. Maybe I don’t deserve you. But whenever I thought of giving you up, I…” He rubs his chest. “I couldn’t breathe. It was like someone was crushing my heart. Like there was this weight inside my chest and I was dying. So I didn’t. I didn’t give you up. I don’t regret that, Pixie. I don’t regret loving you the way I do.”
“I don’t either,” I whisper, knowing to the depth of my soul, depth of my being that I’m telling the truth.
The muscle in his jaw tics but he doesn’t say anything for a while. I wish he would. I wish I knew about his struggles. I never wanted him to feel this way for his parents. I never wanted him to hate them. They were in love, and yes, it might be wrong and unnatural or whatever. But that’s not Abel’s fault. Why’s that so hard for people to understand?
He laughs bitterly. “When Ethan took me to the studio and I saw what it was, I thought he was fucking with me. The very thing your dad wanted me to go away for, it stood right in front of me. Like a temptation or something. Out of a million jobs in this city, I land the one that they condemned me for. It was like the universe was slapping me in the face. Telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m not normal enough for you. I thought it was God telling me that I should give you up. When the fuck would it end? Why don’t they leave me alone, I thought. All I want is my Pixie. Why does it have to be so hard?”
I grab his hand. The bruises on his face have faded but I never counted on the wounds inside. I never thought that if you hear something a hundred times, you start to believe it’s true. “Abel, honey —”
“I should’ve walked away. I should’ve said no. But fuck that. Fuck the world. Fuck being normal. Your parents, your entire town couldn’t keep me away from you and I won’t let God tear us apart either. They don’t get to judge me. They can hate me if they want but they don’t get to tell me what to do. So, I took it. I took the job because I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as…”
“As long as what?”