Gentleman Nine(55)

Drinking down the entire glass of liquor, I smacked it down on the table.

Closing my eyes tightly, I spit it out. “I was driving home from work one night, and a truck hit me head on. I’m really lucky to be alive.”

“You get amnesia or something?”

“No. But to be honest, that would have been easier.” My heart clenched. “A lot easier.”

“What happened?”

“In the weeks after the accident, I learned that…” I hadn’t realized how hard it was going to be to get this part out. Only my brother knew, and that was only because he’d threatened to kick my ass for hurting Amber. She’d become like a sister to him. I had to tell him so that he could understand my decision. He hadn’t even been speaking to me for a while before he found out the truth.

Boris encouraged me to continue on. “What is it, son?”

“My injuries were such that…” I hesitated. “Basically, I can’t have children.”

He stared off into space to process what I’d just told him. Then, he said, “What do you mean…like you have no balls?”

I broke out into laughter. “No, I have everything. And it’s all working just fine otherwise. But there was damage, and that means I don’t make sperm anymore.”

“You know that for sure?”

“I had my semen tested.”

“You never told her?”

“No. Amber wants kids someday—more than anything. But regardless, I knew she’d never leave me if she knew. So, I had to make a really tough decision. I thought it would be best for her if I broke up with her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Boris shook his head in disbelief. “You made a decision for her, that you assumed was the right one.”

“That’s right. I didn’t want her to resent me later in life if she couldn’t have a child of her own.”

“So, you pretended to what…not love her anymore?”

This was always the part that got me the most emotional. I could almost stand the thought of being without Amber as long as she knew I loved her. But, of course, I made her think I’d fallen out of love with her, because that was the only way she’d let me leave.

“I thought that time would somehow make it—not even easier—but tolerable. But it hasn’t. It took a while to get her to stop calling me. Do you know how hard it is to push someone away who you love more than life? I’ve created this fa?ade to make her think I’ve moved on. And I think it’s finally worked. She stopped trying to change my mind.”

“And now you regret it?”

“I love her more than ever.” I didn’t wait for Boris to pour me more liquor this time. Grabbing the bottle, I helped myself and said, “Today would have been our anniversary, and it was also the day I was planning to ask her to marry me. I can’t help but think of her. I suspect she could have met someone by now. But I just don’t know because I can’t bear to try to find out. She unfriended me on Facebook, too, which was for the best.”

“What’s Facebook?”

Stopping mid-sip, I said, “You’re kidding, right?”

“No.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I definitely don’t have to worry about you spilling my business.”

“Let me ask you something. If you found out today that Amber only had days to live, would you go to her?”

“Of course, I would.”

“Days are all we have, Rory. That’s all life is…a bunch of days threaded together. All we can be guaranteed is today. No one knows what’s going to happen beyond today. We should never make decisions based on an assumed future, but rather on how we feel at this very moment. That’s the first thing. The second is, how the hell can you be so sure that she’d rather have a baby over you? Did you even give her a choice? You were the love of her life for nine years. You didn’t give her a say in the matter.” He leaned in. “Let me tell you something you may not know.”

“Alright…”

“My Ellie was barren. Stephanie is adopted. We were in our forties when we got her after years of trying.”

“No shit? I had no idea. She even looks like you.”

Boris had been married for fifty-seven years when his wife Ellie passed away. Since they had a daughter, I never imagined that Ellie couldn’t have kids.

He continued, “I knew about Ellie before I married her. Of course, I wanted to have our own kids, but if it were a matter of losing her or having a biological child, there was no contest. If she’d done to me what you did to Amber, in my mind, that would have been a tragedy. I have no regrets. I have a beautiful daughter.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but suddenly I was doubting everything. Had I made a colossal mistake?

That night, I tossed and turned, obsessing over Boris’s advice. My life felt like it hadn’t progressed in the months since Amber and I had been apart. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I’d be.

Opening the top drawer to my bureau, I took out the one-and-a-half carat Tiffany diamond ring I’d purchased a month before the accident. I’d planned to propose to Amber tonight at the restaurant at the top of the Prudential building. It was going to be perfect. Our lives were going to be perfect. Then the accident happened, and that perfect dream was shattered.