Fifty Words for Rain(76)

Nori felt a tear slide down her cheek. But there was still no pain her hand.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

Akira shook his head. “Before I met you, I was certain of everything. I was completely self-absorbed, there was no one I cared about, so nothing could ever hurt me. And I convinced myself that I was happy.”

“And you weren’t?”

He smiled at her. “I was safe. I was convinced of my own worth and that was all I needed.”

He wrapped her hand, layer by layer, in thick white bandages. Then he pressed it to his heart.

“You taught me another way.”

She looked at him, speechless. “I’ve never taught you anything.”

He smiled again, and this time, it pierced her heart like an arrow.

“You have, Nori. And if it comes down to a choice, between our family or my music or anything else . . . I will always choose you.”

Her whole body erupted in chills. She drew back her hand.

“Because I’m your responsibility? Or because I’m your half sister?”

Akira tapped her lightly on the bridge of her nose. “Because you are you.”

For a long time, neither of them spoke. Then Akira stood up.

“I told Ayame-san to get the doctor. That hand might need stitches,” he said quietly, as if he too was reluctant to break the silence. “I should go check on that.”

She looked up at him. “You should go to Vienna,” she said simply.

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“I want you to go,” she said, and miraculously, it rang true. “I think you should go and make beautiful music, and see beautiful buildings, and be happy. And when you are finished, come back. Take your lessons from our grandmother, marry a girl, do your duty.”

Akira looked grave. “You know everything will change when I become head of the family. Everything will be different.”

She smoothed down her skirt. “Everything is always different, Oniichan. Just come back to me.”

He nodded and went out.

Nori was alone but felt it no longer. The warmth in her belly radiated outwards, until she was sure that she glowed like a firefly in the dark.



* * *





December 24th, 1935

I have done it. God works in mysterious ways for I have given my family what it needs above all else: a boy.

He is a beautiful creature and the doctor says he is perfectly healthy. My husband is overjoyed, Mama is on her way from Kyoto to see him. She will throw the largest party the city has ever seen.

All I want to do is rest. They place my boy on my chest and I watch him sleep.

He has a head full of dark hair and the most wonderful eyes, my family’s shade of gray-black. His tiny hands have pink fingernails and he has big feet. I think he will be tall.

He looks as if he were hand-carved just for me.

Mama wants to name him after her father, and my husband wants to name him after his. They want to saddle him from the cradle with the ghosts of dead men. As if his burden is not heavy enough.

But I will name him myself. He is their miracle, their heir, but he is my son.

And I will name him Akira.

The tap on Nori’s bedroom door pulled her from the pages. Carefully, she slipped the diary beneath the pillow. She took a deep breath. She had been waiting for this.

The cracks were sealed shut now.

Without waiting for an answer, Will slipped inside. He was still dressed.

“I knew you’d still be awake,” he said smugly.

She met his gaze. “I think you should leave.”

He laughed at her. “That’s cute. Move over. We don’t have to do anything tonight, I just want to be near you.”

She held out her bandaged hand. Her nightgown slipped off her shoulder, and she felt his eyes on her.

“Please leave, William.”

He frowned and crossed his arms. “What are you on about?”

She took another deep breath. “I think I understand you now. It took me long enough, but I think right now I see you for what you are.”

He scoffed at her. “Really? And what do you see, kitten?”

Nori inclined her head. “You shine so brightly it blinded me at first. Truly, you do. When I first saw you, I thought you were golden.”

Will’s lips peeled back from his teeth. “And now?”

She stood up. “And now I see that you are like enamel. You shine on the outside, but on the inside, there is nothing. I actually feel sorry for you. For I may be a half-breed and a bastard girl, but I am not so sad that I need to steal other people’s light to fill the hole in myself. You . . . you have everything and you still have nothing.”

Will looked as if he’d been struck. He stood there, teetering back and forth. Then he moved towards her.

“Stop it.”

He froze. “You . . . you’re confused. You know that I love you, little Nori.”

“I know that you are jealous of my brother,” she said levelly. “And your cousin. Because I love them both. And I could never love you. Even when I didn’t know why, I knew it was wrong.”

“You don’t know the first thing about love,” he hissed at her.

“No,” she confessed. “But I may one day. You never will because you are capable of loving only yourself. And I feel sorry for you.”