Fall (VIP #3)(127)
Since I’m clueless, I go the fount of knowledge in my personal universe.
Scottie answers the door on the fifth knock. His hair is sticking up on one side and his tie is askew—being clutched in the merciless grip on a chubby baby fist. Felix gives me a toothy smile as if to say look who I made my bitch. My admiration for his game is strong.
“Thought you might turn up. Here, take this.” Scottie thrusts Felix into my arms. “I’ve got to piss something awful. Sophie just came back from the Hamptons and is napping off a hangover, and …” He stops at that, turns heel, and takes the stairs two at a time to the upper floor.
“You know, you could just put him in his crib,” I call after Scottie.
His disembodied voice rings out. “Try it, mate. I dare you.”
A door slams, and I’m left alone with twenty pounds of drooling baby who has decided that my eyebrows would be better off detached from my face.
“Okay, little dude.” I ease his fingers away from my abused flesh. “Let’s find you something better to play with.”
Scottie’s Upper West Side brownstone is wide enough that there is a central staircase and rooms on either side. They have a family room set up in the back with a wall of windows overlooking a small garden.
Before baby, the place was immaculate—cream couches, pale silk Aubusson rugs, and glass tables. The couches are now charcoal, the rug is still silk but a crimson Persian, and the tables are all sturdy dark woods. Still nice, but way more spot friendly. And messy. Toys litter the floor. Four mugs with various amounts of cold coffee in them are on the table. A few baby blankets are spread out, and there’s some weird-looking jungle-gym thing that seems to be made out of padded plastic with stuffed bugs hanging from it. Bizarre.
“Here, bud. Let’s play with this.” I set Felix down in front of the dangly bugs.
He looks at the sappy bugs, then at me, then back at the bugs. His little chin prunes up. I hear an internal warning alarm blaring, “Danger! Danger! Abort mission! Abort!!”
I jiggle one of the toy bugs. “Fun, yeah?”
No, no it is not. Tears well in Felix’s eyes, and he sucks in a deep breath. It is the scary calm before the storm. His temper breaks with an ungodly wail, his little arms flailing, face bright red. It is horrifying.
“Okay, okay.” I pick him up and start walking around. “It’s okay. Those bugs are creepy anyway.”
Felix does his best to blow my eardrums out. Considering I’ve made a career of dialing the sound up to eleven, his vocals are impressive.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I try to jiggle him like Sophie does but it’s a no-go. Little Dude is not having it. His back arches as he screams his fury, and I have to clutch him closer for fear of dropping him. “Jesus, I thought I was emotional. What about this little …” I look at the gray stuffed thing I’ve picked up. I have no fucking idea what it is. “Monkey? You want your monkey?”
Gray lumpy monkey goes flying with one indignant swat.
“Right. Monkeys suck. Noted.”
Felix has murder in his eyes and the freaking lungs of Robert Plant.
Scottie strides into the room with a harried expression. “You put him down, didn’t you?”
“I thought he might want to play! I mean, what the fuck, dude?”
Scottie takes his son, grabs a pacifier, and holds it up to Felix’s mouth. “Here’s your dummy, love.”
The little stinker immediately sucks it in and then rests his head on Scottie’s shoulder with a shuddering sigh like he’s just been through a long, hard battle. Clearly, one I lost.
“Plug up the hole.” I slap my forehead. “I should have known.”
Scottie and Felix shoot me twin glares.
My nerves are officially shot, and I swear I need a drink or to run this adrenaline out. “Holy hell, mate, how do you even know what to do?”
“Trial by fire.” Scottie smiles thinly. “Only the strong survive.”
I take back every dad joke I’ve made about Scottie. He deserves a medal.
“Put me down as a ‘thank you but no’ when it comes to babysitting duty.”
Scottie snorts. “Mate, none of you clowns are getting anywhere near my progeny. He’d end up in leather pants and likely develop an unfortunate attachment to drums.”
I can’t help but smile. “That would be kind of cool. I’m going to look into leather baby pants. Maybe have some made. You’ll have to ask Whip for the drums.”
Sophie strolls in looking tired but amused. “Someone set the baby down.”
I turn and give her a kiss on the cheek. “You two have a tiny dictator in your midst. Throw down some tough love and say no once in a while.”
Sophie and Scottie burst out laughing. They keep laughing until Felix smiles around the edges of his dummy, and Sophie wipes a tear from her eye. “Oh, that was good. I needed that.”
“Har.” But I’m smiling too.
“Can you say it again?” Scottie pulls out his phone. “I want to record it for future use on the off chance you decide to have kids.”
That sobers me right up. My future happiness is why I’m here. “Maybe later.” I grimace. “Look, I need to find Stella.”
The temperature in the room seems to drop a few degrees. Scottie adopts his business face, which is basically a wall of “I know nothing.” Sophie’s eyes narrow like she’s considering pulling Felix’s dummy free and siccing him on me.