Fall (VIP #3)(131)

My hands are shaking as I slip on a pair of sunglasses. It’s probably a coward’s move, but I need to protect myself as much as I can, and John is too good at reading me. He gives me a pained but understanding smile as we head out, both of us silent and staying far enough away from each other so there’s no inadvertent contact. All of the ease and the way we’d naturally gravitate closer is gone now. It hurts worse than when I hadn’t heard from him at all.





Chapter Thirty-Four





John



* * *



I can’t stop looking at Stella. She’s rich, hot cocoa after trudging through a blizzard. She’s ice-cold beer after a sweltering performance. Every inch of her enthralls me, from the wispy whirls of her glorious sunset hair to the scattered constellation of her freckles. I’ve spent hours mapping those tiny cinnamon dots, nights curled up on the sofa sliding my fingers through her silky hair, happy to simply pet her as she told me things that made me laugh.

Her jaunty walk has me fighting a smile; only Stella walks with a stride that is both a determined march and a sensual sway of hips and ass. But she’s tense and pinch-lipped, and I know I’m responsible for that. God, I want to see her smile again. I was a jackass for ever thinking my life would be better, safer without her in it.

We walk in silence for a while. It’s awkward, but I don’t mind; I’m simply soaking her in.

I guide her to Central Park. We pass a couple sharing a large shake. Memories of seeing her on a friendship date at the Shake Shack fill my head. I should have known I was a goner back then—the very sight of her smiling at another guy had caused my heart to flip within my chest and a knot of pure, base envy to surge through my veins. I’d wanted to be that guy sitting across from her. I’d wanted to be the one to earn her happiness.

She stops on the Bow Bridge and rests her arms on the balustrade to stare down at the glassy lake. “So.”

I’ve gone over what I want to say in my head, practiced it on the walk over to Brenna’s apartment. Except what comes out of my mouth is not what I’d planned. “I don’t need you.”

Stella recoils as if slapped, and I take a step closer. “Wait. That came out wrong.”

She snorts out a laugh, and then pulls off her sunglasses. Hurt tightens the corners of her eyes. “I don’t think there’s a way to say it that would sound good.”

“I know. Shit.” I rake my fingers along my head. “I would have been here sooner, because God knows I’ve missed you, Stells. I’ve missed you so much, it’s like I’ve lost my hands or my voice. But I had to do something first.

“I’ve been going to see Dr. Allen, talking things out and doing a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion that you can’t fix me.”

Stella stares at me with hard eyes, but she doesn’t say a word. I know she’s about ten seconds away from walking. My words rush out, desperate to keep her here. “No one can. But for so long, I thought of myself as broken, and I hated that.” Licking my dry lips, I force myself to tell her the bare truth. “But what I hated more was the idea that others wanted to fix me too.”

Her expression softens. “I never thought you were broken, John.”

“I know,” I whisper. “Pride is a funny thing, though. Sometimes it refuses to listen to logic. I’d see the cracks in my existence and feel weak. I wanted to be your rock, the one who you could rely on.”

With a shuddering breath, she turns her head, no longer willing to face me. “You were.”

Until I wasn’t. My fists clench to keep from pulling her close. Not yet. “I freaked out and pushed you away.”

The gentle sweep of her jaw tightens. “I know.”

“You told me that’s what I was doing, and I didn’t listen.”

“I know this too.”

God, she sounds so distant, so done with me.

My cold hands tremble so hard I have to shove them in my pockets. “I know it’s not enough, but I’m so sorry.”

Blinking rapidly, she gazes up at the sky, and the wind tosses strands of hair into her eyes. “I know.”

“Jesus, Stells.” I move closer, ducking my head to get her in my line of sight. “Stop saying ‘I know’ and—”

“And what?” she snaps, glaring. “What am I supposed to say to make you feel better?”

I blanch, horrified that she’s right. My shoulders slump. “I deserve that. That and more.” Slowly, I reach out and gently tuck back a lock of her hair that’s been dangling over her eyes. I need to see those eyes; they hold my world. “I love you.”

The impact of my words makes her visibly flinch, and she looks away, giving me her profile. She seems so small just now, delicate as fine crystal. Which is weird, because Stella has always seemed unstoppable to me. Her strength, her light—she can take on the world and own it. She owns me.

I can’t stop myself from touching her—the tips of her penny hair, the sweet edge of her jaw. “But that isn’t enough, is it?”

“No.” The word drops like a stone.

I’ve never faced rejection. Stella has only been rejected.

I shove my hands back in my pockets and keep talking. “The second the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them, wanted to take them back. But I didn’t, couldn’t. It’s hard sometimes, getting out of my own head.”