Faked (Ward Family #2)(44)



How had I not noticed how observant he was? My mouth fell open slightly at how quickly he'd picked up on the unraveling of my thoughts. The inability to get out of my own head was usually my downfall anyway.

To think and think and think about something until I knew exactly what I felt about that thing. Until my head and my heart were on the same page.

Right now, with Bauer, was the first time that I could remember when I just let myself feel without needing to know how everything might work out, and how this might look when the sun rose over the small cabin insulating us from reality.

When he pulled away, his hands falling from my body, I instantly felt cold even though the cabin was warm.

"Bauer," I said quietly.

The firelight in the cabin threw a magical glow on his profile as he paused, and I saw the desire there in the tight line of his jaw, the way he held his hands so carefully at his sides. His big body, so much stronger than mine, was all but vibrating in the dim, flickering light.

"It's okay," he said slowly. "I'm not mad. I just ... I can't handle it if you wake up and look at me with disappointment in those blue eyes, princess."

My heart broke for him for the first time since I'd met him. No matter what else he'd revealed, what snippets of his past he'd given me, this was the first time I felt just how deeply he'd learned how to protect himself. Him pulling away was so much more about him than it was about me.

"And do you normally give speeches like this to the women you sleep with?" I asked. But I asked it tentatively, with a gentle voice free of censure. "Make sure they won't regret a night with you?"

Bauer swallowed hard. His eyes searched my face. "They know what they're getting into. They're not thinking past one night, trust me."

"But you think I am?"

The tip of his finger tilted my chin up, and his thumb brushed my bottom lip. "I think you look at me differently than they do, Claire. And if you can't quiet those things holding you back, I don't want to be the man they all think I am. Not with you. The one who'll push where you let me, who'll convince you with my lips"—he dropped his thumb but still stared steadily at my mouth—"and my hands until you convince yourself."

My mouth opened to argue with him, but no words would come. Bauer had convinced himself that he was only capable of casual transactional relationships, maybe for a hundred different reasons that had nothing to do with his upbringing. Reinforced beliefs were hard to break down, and I wasn't expecting this from him. Not once we kissed. A kiss like that, especially.

He was trying to do what he thought was right, what was honorable. The man who tried so hard to pretend he didn't care what people thought of him was placing my own reservations so far ahead of his needs that I couldn't think of a single intelligent response.

Which was why I let him walk out of the kitchen and fall back onto the couch with a heavy exhale.

The sound was so rife with unspent tension that my lips curved into a sad smile.

What a predicament I'd found myself in.

I walked up the stairs to the loft slowly, not because I was ready for bed—it was still early, the light outside the cabin a muted gray as evening fell—but because I just needed a little space to think.

As I perched on the edge of the bed, I touched my fingers to my lips. What a fine time for Bauer to allow his chivalrous side to surface, I thought ruefully.

After that kiss.

Twenty-one years suddenly felt like an impossibly long time to go without experiencing a kiss like that. Sure, I had some experience, probably the least of my sisters, but it was a sad state of affairs that even when I had fantasized about kissing someone important to me, my brain had never conjured that kind of furious, fierce hunger. An unrepentant want seizing both of us until we couldn't touch enough, taste enough, or push our bodies closely enough.

I didn't want Bauer to hold back.

I didn't want him to worry that I was overthinking or would regret my time with him.

But I was overthinking. And it needed to stop.

Normally, I'd ask Lia what I should do, but I grimaced when I thought about how patently unhappy this would make her. She'd hate it.

No, for this one, I picked up my phone and tapped out a text to the sister who, above all else, would give me honesty and pragmatism alongside her always blunt delivery.

Me: On a scale of 1-10, how stupid would it be to sleep with Bauer when we're trapped in a cabin until at least tomorrow...





I pinched my eyes shut as I hit send. My phone buzzed almost immediately.

Isabel: IF YOU DON'T, I EXCOMMUNICATE YOU AS MY SISTER.





Isabel: Are you seriously questioning this???? That man looked at you like you were an entire MEAL that he wanted to devour, and I cannot fathom one reason you wouldn't.





Isabel: Wait. Unless you don't want to. IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO, say no, and if he doesn't listen, I'm strapping on my snow boots and I'll rip his balls off and run them through A MEAT GRINDER.





My laughter was soft, and immediately, my eyes pricked with overwhelmed tears. It was a rare gift to be surrounded by women in my life who would commit such violent acts on my behalf without thinking twice.

Me: No, no ripping and grinding necessary.



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