Evidence of the Affair(5)

My students are supposed to call me Mr. Mayer, obviously, but I can hear them referring to me as “Mr. Grayer” behind my back. I’ve gone fully gray at the age of thirty-seven. I always hoped I’d be one of those men who aged well. You know how ladies are always going on about how attractive they find older men? I was never terribly attractive in my youth, but I thought I’d grow into it. But I’m afraid my late thirties have also been accompanied by a growing gut, a bad back, and tension between my shoulder blades that never quiets down.

Not to mention that I no longer feel like I know my own wife.

As I interact with Janet now, I can see ways in which she and I had lost touch with one another long before this. It’s almost as if realizing she was lying about one thing has made me realize how often she and I lie to one another about small things.

She’s lying about having an affair, but she’s also lying about canceling the newspaper delivery like I asked her to. It’s as if she thinks I don’t notice that the copies are piling up under her nightstand.

I do things like that, too, though. I do not tell her about my concerns about money or the fact that she goes too easy on our oldest.

Lying has just become so much easier than telling the truth. I don’t remember when things got so hard. But life has been a matter of keeping our heads above water for years now.

Money is scarce. Janet knows it and I know it, and I hate talking about it and it’s all she ever wants to talk about. It has become so ever present that it shades everything.

When Janet and I met, I had a habit of collecting pennies I found on the street. I’ve always loved pennies. I like the copper sheen to them. But I have stopped collecting pennies in front of Janet because I’m afraid she will think I’m doing it for the money. That is how tight things are around here.

Janet keeps offering to get a job, and I can see the look in her eye when she offers it. Complete and total disappointment. It’s clear she feels reduced to it because I can’t provide. She blames me. She says she hates relying on me to do something that I am not properly doing. She’d rather have some control over it herself. It guts me every time she says it. I’ve tried to explain to her that I am paid decently. I have a good job. The problem is that, well, kids are expensive.

I know that wanting children has been a trial in your marriage. I can’t begin to imagine the pain that must cause. The truth is that having children has been a trial in mine. I stopped desiring my wife quite the same way after she got pregnant with Andy and Brian. The first two were planned, but the twins weren’t. They were a downright shock. I was already exhausted and penny-pinching with the first two. To be clear, I can’t tell you the joy my youngest two bring me. My oldest, Michael, is impressively willful, and Sam can charm almost anybody. But Andy and Brian have this curiosity about the world and this bond together that I never expected. I can’t imagine my life without any of my boys. But since the shock of the twins, being intimate with Janet always makes me nervous. It feels like I am just begging for more to be responsible for.

It has made me forget how I used to see her.

And to know your husband sees her that way, well, it has not been easy.

Just the mere mention of how many times they’ve slept together in one night has made me feel about as big as a thumbtack.

Sometimes I think the insecurity this brings up is the hardest part. Do you ever feel that way?

Yours,

David





March 14, 1977

Encino, California David,

Do I ever feel insecure? Oh boy. How much time do you have?

I am afraid that my husband is going to leave me for your wife and that I will be left with nothing. Thirty and single and childless without even so much as a secretary position on my résumé. I’ll be a joke.

I don’t have anything of my own, anything to show for my time. All I’ve ever done is marry a doctor.

Often, I feel overwhelmed by this sinking feeling in my heart that I will never be enough. That I am damaged and any man in his right mind would leave me. What man wants a woman who cannot bear him a child?

No matter how hard Ken and I try, I don’t get pregnant. I’ve disappointed us both so many times at this point that it is hard for me to remember feeling like a complete person. The doctor can’t say for sure why I am not yet pregnant, but it seems clear that something is wrong with me. He even said it was likely pointless to test Ken. He said it most often lies with the woman. What more evidence do I need that I’m deficient?

When I think about what your wife must be like, I picture her as everything that I am not. Four children, twins by accident! She must be so womanly, so beautiful, so perfect.

I imagine that my husband looks at your wife and sees a real woman. And I am afraid that I will lose the life I have built to a woman who can give him what he wants.

There.

I’ve said it. Or written it, as it were.

The ugliest, most pathetic parts of my heart.

All my best,

Carrie





March 18, 1977

Carlsbad, California Carrie, I promise you there is no ugly part of your heart. And I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through and how it has weighed on you.

I find myself wanting to reassure you about all these things. Is it crazy to suggest we meet for lunch? Perhaps somewhere halfway between us? I could leave work after second period if there’s a day you can easily get away.