Evidence of the Affair(2)
It was just easier to consider the possibility that he’d changed his entire personality overnight than it was to believe that he would cheat. But he’s the same Ken I’ve always known and loved and still eats a turkey sandwich every day. It’s just that he’s capable of things I never knew.
I now have six letters from your wife to my husband. I have included copies of them here.
Ken keeps them in the innermost compartment of his briefcase. Every morning when he takes a shower, I check that pocket. For curiosity’s sake, I’m almost happy when I find one. I always want more information.
And yet I’m always miserable after I’ve read them.
I seem to be a glutton for punishment.
David, if, after you’ve read these, you want to talk, know that I am here. I wish I’d had someone to talk to after I read them. You’re the only person I’ve ever mentioned any of this to. I’m too ashamed to confide in anyone I know. Instead, I go about my day—to the supermarket, to the salon, to bridge night, to dinner parties—as if nothing is happening.
You asked how I hide it all. I don’t know. I guess I find it pretty easy to look like nothing is happening when everything has changed.
In the evenings when Ken is home, I make sure he has an elaborate dinner, and then I often stick my nose in a book. I suggest things for us to do that don’t require us to talk to each other very much, like going to the movies or a play or dinner with another couple.
I’m hoping this entire thing just goes away on its own.
Does it sound like I’m burying my head in the sand? I don’t know. Perhaps I am, for now. But Ken and I have a life that works, however imperfect. And I believe he will remember that soon, and everything can go back to normal.
I hope the same for you, David. I’m hoping it for the both of us with my whole heart.
Sincerely,
Carrie
September 6, 1976
Carlsbad, California Dearest Ken, When you asked me to write to you as I was leaving last week, I thought you had lost your senses—as if we were planning some long-term clandestine affair!
I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy our time together. You know I did. I think that was clear! But I figured that it was best we chalk it up to what it was.
But now I can’t stop thinking of you!
I can’t stop thinking about who I was in that room with you. Everything feels sexy to me now. Everything feels new.
Four kids and a messy house and a thousand other things we women deal with had weighed me down. And now I feel lighter.
All thanks to you.
I guess this is just my way of saying thank you for our time together.
I think I needed it. I know I should feel terrible about it all. And I suppose I do. But still, Ken, thank you.
XO,
Janet
September 17, 1976
Carlsbad, California Ken, You are too funny! I told you I wrote to you to say thank you and that was all. I certainly didn’t intimate that we should get together again. You are incorrigible!
And you ask such personal questions about me and David. I can’t tell you any of that! But I suppose the question you were really asking is if it is with him what it was with you that night at the Del.
And the answer is no.
You ignited something in me that I’m not sure has ever truly been touched before. Something I never even knew to want.
Even writing this to you now, confessing this to you, does something to me.
XO,
Janet
September 30, 1976
Carlsbad, California Ken, I cannot believe you called me on the phone! I don’t even know how you tracked down my number. And yet my heart skipped a beat when it was you. Just hearing your voice again as I stood in the kitchen lit me up.
What is it about you that gets inside my mind and won’t let go? I can feel your hands on me even when you are miles away, even though you have only touched me one night. You did things to me no one has done before. Things I need again.
I guess that is my way of saying yes. I will find a way to get back to the Hotel del Coronado—just tell me the night.
XO,
Janet
November 20, 1976
Carlsbad, California K, What are we doing? I can’t leave my husband, and you simply cannot leave your wife, and I’m afraid that if we carry on like this, it will only hurt everyone.
It was one thing when we were a one-time or two-time (or four times in one night!) thing. But now I worry this is getting away from us. I can’t keep pretending I have friends in town or a doctor’s appointment an hour away.
We have to end it, don’t you think? We have to forget about each other.
Don’t we?
Love,
Janet
December 14, 1976
Carlsbad, California K, You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thought I have as I go to bed. I find it difficult to even kiss my husband now. The other day, he came toward me and I shuddered, accidentally. It’s not that I don’t care for him, but he is not where my heart is.
You hold my heart, Ken. You own my body.
I am ready to make a plan to spend more time together. Not just an afternoon or a night, but real time.
Could you do mid-January?
Every year, my mother-in-law comes to town to watch the kids so that I can go away with my girlfriends. It’s scheduled for January 14 through 17. If I tell my family I am going with them but instead come to meet you somewhere, can you get away?