Every Wrong Reason(88)

I stripped off my pencil skirt and blouse and replaced it with yoga pants and a racerback tank. They were workout clothes, but I was not planning on working out.

Unless one considered inhaling a couple gallons of ice cream working out.

But mostly I needed the clothes for their stretchiness.

I walked down the stairs, anxious to get started on my ice cream marathon when I saw him. The sight of him there, in the entryway, standing so tall and looking so beautiful, nearly made me face plant down the remaining four stairs.

I caught myself on the railing, but my stomach took the tumble anyway.

“What are you doing here?”

He stood there out of breath with his shoulders heaving, as if he’d run all the way here. His mouth was set with determined lines. His eyes were so intent, so intimately focused… but maybe a little lost too. Or maybe it was something deeper than lost. Something profound and permanent that reflected in my eyes too. Something like finally being found. “You still don’t know?”

I shook my head and tried to swallow. “No.”

“You, Kate. I’m here for you.”

I carefully made my way down the rest of the stairs and took a step toward him. It was strange being in this place. I felt like my emotions had taken steroids. There were too many of them. And they were at war with each other.

The man that I wanted, the marriage that I wanted, stood right in front of me and still I had to fight my pride and swallow humility. I had to choose to let go of our past and hold onto the hope that we had a future. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I needed to choose the best things… the things that would move us forward and give us healing.

It wasn’t easy. It was the opposite. It was traumatizing and against my nature. I knew I was stubborn. I knew I was a control freak. I knew I had a thousand faults that only this man could love.

We were so broken. I was so broken.

Yet I wanted this more than anything in the world. More than I had ever wanted anything else in my entire life.

And I knew, without any doubts or misgivings, that if I let him go… if I gave up on our marriage and walked away, I would regret it every single day for the rest of my life.

More than that, I would be giving up a quality of life. I would be letting the best thing in my life go. I would have to resign myself to a secondhand citizenship in my own life and I could not do that.

I didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve it.

We didn’t deserve it.

Before I could create words and explanations and apologies out of all of that, he stepped forward again, closing the distance between us and said, “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m sorry for everything.” When I saw real tears reflected in his deep blue eyes, I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. I had never seen him like this before.

“Nick, you don’t have to-”

“I do. I need to say all of this. It’s stuff I should have said years ago. I should never have let us get this far. I should never have let you go. Not once.” More hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, letting him go on. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t let go of the band. It was stupid. It was stupid of me to hold onto it for so long. I haven’t wanted it, not really anyway, for a long time. But I hated the taste of failure and disappointment and when I looked at you, with this career that you loved and all of your success, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with that. I was stubborn in a way that deeply hurt us… hurt you and I’m sorry I did that to us.” I opened my mouth to answer him, but he held up his hand and with a small smile said, “Please wait. There’s more.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take the burden off you financially. I know you will teach no matter what I do, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I will never do it again. And it’s not because I don’t think you’re capable or that you weren’t handling it. I know you are and I know you did. But we are in this together. We have to be in this together. We’re a partnership. One-half isn’t greater or less than the other. We are two halves that make one whole. I’m sorry I stopped us from being equals.”

He took another step toward me and we were only an inch apart. I felt him this time and it was real. I felt his body heat. I smelled him, the way only he could smell. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted… if I wasn’t so afraid he would shatter into glass, proving I had conjured him up in my depression.

“I’m sorry we haven’t had a baby yet. I’m sorry I haven’t done everything in my power to find out what’s wrong and give you the thing you want most. I’m sorry I ignored you and neglected you and treated you cruelly. I’m sorry I let us drift apart while we were together. I’m sorry I left you. And I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.

“There are so many things between us, Kate. I know we can’t just fix ourselves overnight. But I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work. I am going to work as hard as I can. I am going to think of you first and show you love… show you how very much I love you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting with you and making you miserable. I can’t keep making myself miserable. We deserve so much more.” His blue eyes speared me with a heated, powerful look. “You deserve so much more. Because the truth is, I surrender too. To this. To us. To you.” He swallowed roughly, then with sincerity that rocked me to the center of my being, asked, “Will you forgive me?”