Every Wrong Reason(85)

Mr. Cavanaugh waited for me in the greeting area again. His expression read concern and maybe something else… maybe something like pity.

“Ms. Carter,” he nodded when I finally found the courage to step out of the elevator.

“Hi, Mr. Cavanaugh.”

His voice gentled and he asked, “Are you all right?”

I swallowed thickly and looked at the hallway where Nick had disappeared, “Is anyone ever all right during these things?”

He chuckled at my candor. “No, Ms. Carter. They are not.” We had stood there for another moment before he gestured toward the conference room. “Should we go get settled?”

I didn’t verbally respond, but I did follow after him-a feat I didn’t think I was capable of.

Nick stood in the corner of the cool room, in a quiet discussion with his lawyer. They both flicked glances our way when we entered the room, but that was it. Just a glance of bitter acknowledgment that I had entered into his space. That was all I got.

I sat down in one of the rolling leather chairs and tried not to let self-pity swallow me whole. I straightened my spine and masked my expression with false bravado. I would not let him see me ruffled.

This man had been in my bed three nights ago. This man had held me all night long. He had wrapped his arms around me like he never wanted to let go and fought with me the next morning when I suggested that what we did was a mistake.

He wasn’t indifferent to me. He was the opposite of that.

I held on to that small portion of hope. I clung to it. I couldn’t sit here and enter into this discussion if I really thought Nick hated me.

When had that changed?

I reached for the cold bottle of water that had been set out for me and took a shaking sip.

Nick took a seat across from me and his lawyer followed. Marty Furbish walked into the room and took a seat at the head of the table. Ryan made an announcement reminding us where the restrooms were and that we should ask if we needed anything, but I barely heard anything he said.

When we were finally settled, Nick leveled me with a steely gaze and said with finality, “I want this finished today. Whatever it takes… however long it takes… I want this to be done.”

The lawyers looked at me next. I forced words from my lips. Words I wasn’t sure I felt. “Me, too.”

Marty let out a pleased sigh. Mr. Cavanaugh relaxed just barely, but I felt it next to me. He wanted this over as much as I did.

“Good,” Ryan Templeton nodded. “Now, if we can all apply a little give and take, we can finish this part and move on to the next. You’ll be divorced before you know it.” His smile was meant to ease the tension in the room. But it did the opposite.

I felt a panic attack slide over my skin, squeezing my lungs and blurring my vision.

I thought we were here because we couldn’t stand each other? I thought that was the whole point of it?

So why did it feel like my heart had been shredded? Why couldn’t I breathe? This wasn’t like before when the sorrow of our failed marriage had weighed so heavily on me. This new pain pressed me into the earth… threatened to bury me alive.

This was worse somehow. This felt like I would never be able to catch my breath again. This felt like endless drowning and an emptiness so vast I would be forever lost in it.

Somehow I had stopped worrying about how much we’d hurt each other in the past and started worrying about how much we would hurt without each other in the future.

A few months ago, I couldn’t imagine living my life in the same pattern of crazy we had been stuck in. And now I couldn’t imagine my life without this man in it.

What was I doing?

Was I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Yes.

Yes.

I had asked myself that question countless times over the last several months, but I finally had an answer.

Yes.

A loud, resounding yes.

This was the biggest mistake of my life.

My lips were too dry. My mouth felt like someone had stuffed it with cotton balls. My throat was prickly and sore. But I couldn’t drink enough water.

I couldn’t quench this thirst.

My hands trembled badly, but there was nothing to calm my nerves.

I finally realized that I wanted to fight for my marriage and it was too late. I had finally realized that this man was everything to me. Even with his faults and flawed humanity. Even with our rocky history and hurtful past. This man, my husband, was my life. He was everything to me. He was my past and present. He was my future. He was my heart. My very soul.

But we had already announced our divorce to every person we knew.

He had moved out.

He’d gotten a new life.

We’d hired lawyers.

We were smack dab in the middle of mediation.

I had to go through with this. I had already made the decision. I just had to buck up and go through with it.

These were my consequences to pay. I had made this bed, now I needed to lay in it.

Forever.

Forever and ever and ever, amen.

Oh, damn.

Oh, shit.

Shit shit shit.

“She can have it all.” I heard the words, but they didn’t make sense. Nick kept talking. “The house, the dog. Whatever she wants, she can have it.”

“Nick,” his lawyer spit out. “I would recommend rethinking your position-”