Every Wrong Reason(67)

I didn’t know if Nick had felt the same way at the end. Our efforts became tedious and about as unromantic as possible by the end of it. Sex had been nothing more than a chore… a tiresome activity that we were both disappointed with before we ever began.

And it was really a tragedy. Nick and I had always had amazing sex before we tried to have kids. It was what fueled the first couple years of our marriage. I had been as wrapped up in lust with my husband as I was love.

But that had dwindled, then died completely when it became about charting and ovulating and doing everything just right.

I hadn’t realized it until now. Which seemed silly, but maybe I was too caught up in the moment to see the bigger picture.

God, I hated that we’d lost that heat… that spark that made us want to touch each other all the time.

But maybe that wasn’t just the infertility?

Maybe all married couples eventually fell out of lust. My parents had. Not that I wanted to think about that, but I couldn’t remember the last time they’d touched each other.

Kara and her first husband had. And really fast.

Fiona and Austin hadn’t… but they had to be some kind of anomaly. They weren’t normal. Sex became boring for most couples. It became a chore whether they had kids, were trying for kids or never had any.

It was just impossible to stay sexually attracted to one person for the rest of your life.

I glanced back at the wall in the entryway.

No, that was wrong. That was a lie. I had never been more attracted to Nick than that night. My skin flushed and heated as I thought about how his body pressed against mine or how his lips felt as he tasted my skin and urged me to give him everything I had. Everything I was.

But it didn’t matter anyway because it had been a mistake.

A crazy mistake.

Even though it was impossible to regret it completely. Mostly because I knew I would never have sex like that again.

I would never feel that hot again… like my skin was on fire… like his lips would turn me into unquenchable flames and his touch would incinerate every inch of me.

By the time I’d cleaned up the kitchen, the table filled with Legos and the living room, I had almost convinced myself that our sex life would have become dull and boring no matter what. It wasn’t the baby. It was life. It wasn’t the frustration of not conceiving. It was marriage and the years passing us by and everything that came between us.

And I had almost convinced myself to stop thinking about Halloween.

Almost.

But not quite.





Chapter Nineteen


26. I deserve someone who loves me for me.




When I walked through the door Christmas night, I had never felt lower. Christmas with my parents had been beyond draining. Even though Josh and Emily had been there with the girls? my mom had been in rare form.

It was like she went out of her way to remind me how alone I was. Not that she needed to try very hard. My single status had never been clearer.

On top of Josh and Emily and their undying love for each other, I had been forced to watch my parents dote on each other.

Christmas did that to people. I knew that. Even Nick and I had been able to get along on Christmas. But I always thought my parents survived by never touching each other.

Not this year.

I set my opened presents down on the kitchen table so I could bend over and greet Annie. “I’m sorry I left you alone all day,” I cooed to her. “I should have brought you with me.” She danced on her cute little paws and licked my palms.

I picked her up? unable to keep from holding her against my hurting heart. A single tear slid from the corner of my eye and I couldn’t figure out why I suddenly felt the urge to cry.

My parents usually grated against every one of my nerves, but rarely did they reduce me to tears.

Swiping the back of my hand against the silly show of emotion I didn’t understand, I decided that I was just overemotional. This was the first Christmas I had ever spent alone.

I was bound to be upset. And confused. And nostalgic. And heartbroken.

Those were completely normal feelings to have after walking into a dark, empty house with no one to greet me but my dog.

I scratched at Annie’s neck and my fingers bumped up against something unfamiliar. I pulled back to find a brand new, pretty pink collar on her. “What is this?” My heart rate picked up, even as I realized it must have been Nick.

She licked at my chin, anxious for me to get back to petting. “Did Nick stop by?” I asked the dog. She just kept licking me. “What else did he get you?”

She didn’t answer.

I flicked on more lights. I wasn’t afraid of Nick by any means, but knowing someone had been in my house while I was gone still freaked me out. I seriously needed to get his key from him.

I walked into the living room, needing to make sure he locked the front door after he left when I tripped over the new dog bed nestled up next to the couch.

“What in the world?”

Annie dove from my arms for her new bed. She turned in circles as if showing off for me before settling down with a big doggie sigh. Her cute little nose rested on her outstretched front paws and I found myself smiling.

“He spoiled you.” There was a big rawhide bone tucked in the corner and a new chew toy under the coffee table. “I suppose you love him more now. I only got you a new brush.”