Every Wrong Reason(65)

“It is, Kate. Be in control. Be in control of your words and actions. Take control if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Do something other than throw away a perfectly good man and a perfectly good marriage because you’re tired of going through what every other married couple on the planet goes through.”

Her words landed with the subtlety of an atom bomb and I wanted to dive into my cabinets for cover. How dare she. “That’s easy for you to say. You have Austin.”

Her gaze that had been firm yet gentle narrowed dangerously. “You think we don’t fight? Kate, everybody fights. Just wait until you throw a couple kids in the mix.”

Her words were like a kick in the gut and I physically recoiled. Annie danced around my legs, sensing trouble.

Fiona pushed to her feet, the chair scraping back against the floor. “Kate, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, desperate to keep the tears at bay.

“I didn’t mean that,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean… Damn.”

Gigi and Jack giggled and scolded their mom for using a bad word, but she ignored them. She took a few careful steps toward me. Her empty hands looked emptier than usual and the anguish on her face was clear.

I held Jonah against my chest as if he could rub some baby germs off on me. Maybe if I snuggled with him long enough, held him in my arms long enough, maybe then my body would know what to do.

Maybe my uterus would wake the hell up.

“Kate, please,” she pleaded. “I’m sorry.”

Fiona and I had known each other for a long time and we’d always been straight with each other. We weren’t as close as Kara and I were, but only because we didn’t see each other every day. And Kara and I were childless; we could get together almost whenever we wanted. Fiona didn’t have that kind of freedom. So even if she didn’t know the minutia of my life, she knew all of the big stuff.

She always knew the big stuff.

Like how long Nick and I had been trying to have a baby. She was the first person and only person I told when we started trying. I hadn’t been able to hold in my excitement.

I’d thought it would be easy.

Fiona had been with me the whole time. Encouraging me. Crying out of frustration with me. Giving advice and suggesting tricks she’d looked up on the internet. And getting furious when I couldn’t stand the failure anymore.

Because that was what it came down to. Failure.

What was wrong with my body?

Why could every other woman in the world get pregnant except me?

Was this the universe trying to tell me I shouldn’t be a mother? That I was somehow unfit?

That I was somehow unworthy?

“God, Kate, don’t look like that.” Fiona stood at my side, her arms wrapped around my shoulders, her chin pressed to my temple.

She wasn’t much taller than me, but at some point I’d bowed my head and tried to curl into myself. I held Jonah against my chest and let the sorrow fill me.

I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry over this anymore. I’d spilled too many tears and dealt with too much heartbreak.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to cry. It was just that it didn’t fix anything. If crying helped my infertility, I would have had hundreds of kids by now.

“It’s not fair, Fi,” I sniffled.

With the tone that only a mother can carry, she whispered, “Life rarely is.” We stood there until Jack needed his mom’s help and Gigi got restless.

Eventually, we moved into the living room where the kids could curl up with us and watch a movie. Fiona took Jonah back so she could nurse him. I exchanged a real baby for my fur baby. Annie crawled up on my lap and nudged my hand with her cold, wet nose until I stroked her back and scratched behind her ears.

Gigi eventually fell asleep against my side and Jack wandered back into the kitchen to play Legos again. My friend’s kids were amazing. Well behaved and adventurous. They could be handfuls of chaos, but they were sweet and respectful too.

In college, Fiona had been a little wild. Even at the beginning of their marriage, she and Austin had loved to go out and party. But as soon as she found out she was pregnant with Jack, she changed. It was like she found her purpose in life, her meaning.

I watched her grow from sorority girl to super mom overnight and I could not have been prouder.

I wondered if that was the difference. I wanted to be a mom, but I also loved my career. Nothing hurt more than not being able to have a child, but at the same time I couldn’t imagine giving up teaching.

I couldn’t imagine not going to work every day or making a paycheck.

Was that the difference? Was that why Fiona could get pregnant just by ovulating and I couldn’t manage to conceive once, no matter how many books I read or weird oils I rubbed on my stomach or how many times I tilted my hips in the right position and tracked my cycles like an obsessive maniac?

Halloween had been the first time Nick and I had spontaneous sex in over two years. We were slaves to the cycle… to the ovulation.

No wonder Halloween had been so hot.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you,” I said quietly.

Fi’s sly smile told me she had already forgiven me. “I’m sorry I was so bossy. I should know when to keep my mouth shut by now.”

I wrinkled my nose at her. “Babe, if you haven’t learned how to keep quiet by now, I doubt it’s ever going to happen.”