Crush(15)

In a state of utter desolation, I shouldered past him and flung the door open. One last time I turned to look at him. God, this was so hard. “Together or apart—you choose. There is no in-between.”

He blinked as if in shock and opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Don’t do this, Elle. Don’t make me pick. I told you I needed time to figure things out and nothing has changed.”

It had. He refused to even try to see things my way. In truth, I was afraid to be alone. I’d been alone my whole life. I needed him now because yes, I was scared. “Time isn’t going to change anything.”

Abundant sunlight was like a halo around his lean swimmer’s build and I watched with disappointment as he shook his head. “Please, just give me some time.”

My emotions had never switched gears as quickly as they did around Logan. Anger gone, heartbreak set in. “Here’s the thing, Logan: Time is an abstract word. It could be days or weeks, but it also could be months or even years. I can’t live my life in limbo. Not anymore. My emotions can’t be up and down. I have to think about Clementine. I need stability in my life for her sake. I hope you can understand that.”

“Elle—” he breathed.

This time I cut him off. We’d said all we needed to say. “Goodbye, Logan,” I whispered, with my throat tight and the sting of tears in my eyes.

Trapped in that cycle of fear, the atmosphere between us was so fraught, I couldn’t stop my entire body from shaking as I closed the door.

In the hall, my knees felt weak. Just standing up was taking all of my energy. I wanted to take the last forty-eight hours back and start all over again. I was a mess. I felt dead inside. I knew I’d never be the same.

As I pressed the down arrow, I looked back. Sadly, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t catch him after all.





LOGAN


I felt really weird all of a sudden . . . kind of like I’d been punched in the gut and kneed in the balls at the same time.

Stunned about what just happened, I couldn’t move.

Was I scared?

Hell, yeah, I was.

Living without her and knowing she was alive was a much better outcome than living without her because I’d been selfish and needed her in my life and she’d been killed.

Ding. Ding.

Reality slapped me in the face as soon as I heard the elevator arrive that would take Elle from my life. She had come here with an ultimatum and I had sent her packing.

I ran my hand through my hair. She didn’t understand. It wasn’t as simple as her protecting herself.

Fuck, I couldn’t do this though.

I couldn’t let her leave like that.

Grabbing my keys, I rushed out the door but I was too late—the elevator had already closed.

Like a bat out of hell, I ran for the stairs and pounded down them as fast as I could. In the lobby, the elevator door was already open and she was gone. Hustling out onto the street, I spotted her instantly as she crossed Fifth Avenue headed toward the Met. “Elle!” I shouted in a worthless effort to gain her attention.

Even this far uptown, the streets of New York were way too loud. Horns honking, cars racing by, people talking, the wind blowing.

Suddenly, it was all too much.

Not that it mattered, because the light turned red and I was forced to stop. There was a car right in front of me with heavily tinted windows waiting to pass through the traffic, and when I looked into one of them, I saw myself.

What I saw, I didn’t like.

Before I met Elle it had been a while since I looked at myself and didn’t see a f*ck-up. When I was with her, though, everything I’d done seemed to fade into the background. If I stopped her now would it be just another f*cked-up decision I’d make in my life? That list was already so long I wouldn’t add her to it.

I couldn’t.

For a moment I tried to imagine not letting her walk away. Tried to imagine my life with her, but in that blissful picture I was always looking over my shoulder. Always worried. And all I saw was the danger I’d be putting her in.

I had to let her go.

I had to.

What was my life going to be like without her? Would I stay here in New York, go to work at a job I hated, go out with my friends and pretend all was well, act as if the past week was just a blip in my life?

No, I knew I couldn’t.

She’d gotten under my skin.

She was a part of me that I didn’t want to live without.

Selfishness aside, though, because my need for her was just that, selfish, she needed me to make the right decision.

And I knew letting her go—at least for now—was it.

The car moved forward and I could no longer see my reflection, but the image was still in my head. The f*ck-up who made one bad decision after another. But today, I would change that cycle.

The light turned green and as if coming full circle, I didn’t move. I’d go after her and hope she’d forgive me, but first I had to take Tommy out of the picture and put that part of my life to rest. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but I had a few ideas.

In order to do anything, I had to get back to Boston. I knew she’d be going there as well—we just couldn’t go together.

Sadly, I watched as she walked up the steps of the Met and sat down. I watched as she pulled her phone from her purse and made a call. And then as if I’d been sucker punched, I watched as she hailed a cab and it drove away.