Counting Down with You(106)

I don’t have the answer. I don’t know what the point is. All this time I thought it was my own fault, that I wasn’t doing enough as their daughter—but what haven’t I done?

Don’t I deserve to be happy, too? Don’t I deserve a family willing to try?

I’ve never felt the sting of their disapproval like this. Not only does it burn, it’s blistering over. All I feel is constant, aching, writhing sadness.

Sad isn’t the right word. Sad doesn’t even begin to cover it. Devastated is better, but still falls short.

Destroyed.

I’m destroyed.

I wish for nothing more than my grandma’s arms around me, comforting me, but she’s miles and miles away.

I’ve never felt more alone.

Why can’t I have this? Why can’t I choose the path of my own future?

What am I supposed to do now? Paste on a smile and pretend I’m happy with the decision they’ve made for me?

Pretend that the world hasn’t stopped turning?

But the truth is that everyone else is living their life as they always have. It’s me who’s stuck in slow motion.

The thought of having to face anyone ever again makes me nauseated. I’ll have to explain that my parents don’t love me unconditionally—that their love comes with a million hidden clauses—and that I have no choice but to do exactly what they want. Even now, bile burns in the back of my throat. I’m choking on my own anguish.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I don’t know.

I don’t.

I.

Is this what it’s like to have your parents disappoint you? This paralyzing devastation?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.

I’m sixteen, and my future is out of my hands.

My head starts pounding so hard I have to sit up and tuck my head between my knees to keep from blacking out. Every breath I take is ragged and painful.

My hands are shaking. My entire body is shaking. My soul is about to vibrate out from underneath me, disappearing into the wind. Not my countdown, not my candles, not my prayers, not a single thing can help me now.

Unshakeable, I think bitterly.

I’ve never been unshakeable. I only fooled myself into thinking I was.

I don’t even try to count backward in my head. I don’t see how that can help me anymore.

I clench my eyes shut, as if that’ll stop the tears from burning the backs of my eyelids. The future that lies in front of me is bleak.

This is the end, I realize. This is the end of my life and the beginning of the life my parents want for me.

But maybe I never had my own life in the first place.



49


T-PLUS 1 DAY

Forcing myself to get up for school the next morning is the most miserable experience of my sixteen years.

There’s a strange numbness that’s slipped under my skin. It creeps closer to my heart with each passing moment. It’s as if there are shards of glass twisting inside me, tearing into my flesh and forcing me to become hollow.

I’m empty. I’m broken.

I’m alone.

Despite texts from my brother, from Nandini, Cora, and Ace, I feel completely and utterly alone.

None of them have ever been in this situation. None of them will ever be.

I wouldn’t want them to be. It’s the last thing I would wish on anyone, but it doesn’t help the fact that I have no one to turn to now who really understands how I feel. Maybe my cousins, but I can’t handle the thought of them knowing, looking at me in pity whenever we cross paths.

This pain is my burden alone.

Even the thought of trying to explain it to my friends feels impossible. How can I explain this bruising ache spreading through my entire body? How can I explain the crushing pressure on my heart, weighing me down to the bottom of the ocean?

How can I explain that I’m no longer the same Karina Ahmed I was just a few days ago? That I’m just a shell of her? Of her bravery, of her boldness?

I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever know how.

And I don’t know how to be the person they’re expecting me to be.

Walking into school takes more energy than I have, but staying home would be worse. Not that my parents would let me in the first place.

“Karina!” Cora says as soon as I swipe my ID card. I look at her, with her sunny smile, adorable blond space buns, and bright yellow overalls, and my face crumples.

I can’t do this.

“Karina?” Cora repeats, her own face falling as she sees mine. She looks at Nandini in confusion, but I know Nandini doesn’t have an answer either. I haven’t been answering anyone’s messages.

“Sorry,” I mouth and duck my head, slipping into the crowd of students exiting the cafeteria, hoping to elude my friends if they follow me.

I spend my free period in silence, tucked away behind a row of lockers in the history hall. My mind is buzzing loudly with white noise and my eyes are glazed over. I don’t know how many students pass by or who any of them are. Time moves both too fast and too slow.

When the bell rings, I bang my head into the wall by accident, jarred. I rub the back of my skull with a sigh and head to my second period class.

Halfway through AP Physics, my nausea becomes too much to handle. I quietly raise my hand, ask my teacher if I can go to the nurse and slip away with a signed pass.