Counting Down with You(101)

I just don’t know.

“Karina.”

I look away from the star to see Ace sitting on his bed. “Yeah?”

“Sit with me for a second.” He pats the spot next to him. “I want to talk to you.”

My brows pull together. His tone is serious. “Okay.” I sit down facing him and cross my legs pretzel style.

“Your parents come back this weekend, right?” Ace asks, rubbing the back of his neck. “What’s going to happen then?”

I tense, not having expected that. I should have. I just met his parents. It’s natural he would ask about mine.

“With us?” I say, biting my lip. This is a hard question, because I don’t know how he’s going to take my answer. “I want to stay together. That’s not even a question at this point. But it’s not going to be...easy. For either of us.”

A wrinkle forms between Ace’s brows. “What does that mean? You said it before, too. You know I’m not going anywhere, right?”

I sigh. I was hoping to avoid this conversation for as long as possible, but now that it’s here, I can’t give him false promises. The only way for this—for us—to work is to keep it a secret as long as possible. He deserves to know that, too.

“My family isn’t like other families. I need you to know that. You saw as much during our date...but this isn’t a temporary thing. This is the way it’s always going to be. We can never tell them we’re together. If we do, they’ll fight us at every step. They’ll see you as a distraction from school, and it doesn’t help that you’re white. They’re never going to accept you.” I fiddle with my sleeve, unable to meet his gaze. “I don’t want them to take drastic measures.”

“Drastic measures?” he repeats quietly.

My bottom lip quivers. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I never want you to think I’m embarrassed of you or ashamed to be with you or anything like that, but I can’t ever tell them. You’re never going to be able to have the experience that I’m having right now, where you get to sit and eat with them. They’ll never make us pose for prom pictures. They’ll never clap you on the back or joke around with you. Just...all of it. They’ll never approve, and they’ll never allow it.”

Ace’s frown becomes deeper. “They’d be that upset you’re dating me?”

“Yeah. That’s just how they are.” In an attempt to lighten the mood, I add, “Knowing them, they’ll probably start looking for potential husbands when I graduate from college. Maybe we can drop the bomb on them then and run off into the sunset.”

Ace tilts my chin up. “Like an arranged marriage? They’d force you to do that?”

I shrug, even though my skin is crawling from just discussing this topic. “Not exactly. They wouldn’t force me. But deeply encourage me? Probably.”

His eyes are sad. “Is that—is that what you want?”

“What?” I ask, lips parting. “No, of course not.”

“How can you talk about this so lightly then?” Ace asks, letting go of me to run his hand through his hair in a quick, agitated movement. He’s clearly frustrated, and I don’t know how to make it better. “I don’t understand, Karina. You don’t have to tell your parents about us if you don’t want to, but is it your choice? Is any of it? First your major, now your relationships? What’s next? When does it end? Maybe it’s not my place to ask, and I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but I just... I want you to be happy.”

I understand where he’s coming from, but it doesn’t make it any easier to have this conversation. “They’re not choosing for me. They’re just worried about my future,” I say, but the words are empty. “And I—I can’t disappoint them.”

“Why not?” His gaze is beseeching.

I blink. How do I answer that? “They’re my parents, Ace.”

He sighs. “I know, Karina. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

“They’re my parents,” I repeat, not knowing what else to say. “I can’t let them down.”

“What’s going to happen if you do? Would they stop caring about you? Stop loving you?”

“Maybe!” I bite my tongue. I didn’t mean to say that.

Ace looks at me in surprise. “Is that true? Would they stop loving you because you’re not who they want you to be?”

“I—I don’t know,” I say, my breaths coming faster. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...

He scrubs a hand over his face. “Listen, I don’t care about telling your parents about us. I don’t care if they never know. As long as you want to be together, that’s enough for me. We respect each other’s lines, right? But what about you? You have to hide so much of yourself from your parents. Do they even know who you are?”

“They know enough,” I say, swallowing painfully.

“Do they?” he asks lightly. “I’m asking genuinely. It’s your life, not mine. I’ll never ask you to do something you don’t want to do. That’s not my place. But is this enough for you? Is it enough to have their love, even if it means hiding who you really are? You’re their daughter, Karina. You shouldn’t have to change yourself to make them happy. If their love comes with terms and conditions, what’s the point?”