Counting Down with You(108)

When ninth period comes, I head for Miss Cannon’s classroom. There’s still one thing left to do.



50


T-PLUS 1 DAY

When I get home, I have multiple texts from Ace. I don’t want to look at them but he deserves better than that. I have to say something, if not everything.

He deserves that much.

I light a candle and brace myself to look through the messages.

Ace Clyde    :
are you okay?
Ace Clyde   :
what’s wrong? pls talk to me?
Ace Clyde   :
miss C said you canceled our tutoring sessions for good.
Ace Clyde   :
pls just text me back
Ace Clyde   :
karina please
Me:
I talked to my parents and they said I can’t be an english major. I don’t want to talk about it. please leave me alone for now
Ace Clyde   :
that’s bullshit wtf i’m so sorry
Ace Clyde   :
is there anything i can do?
Ace Clyde   :
pls talk to someone if not me
Ace Clyde   :
what does ur dadu think?
Ace Clyde    :
karina...
Me:
ace please drop it I can’t do this rn
Me:
can we pause for a few days? just until I get my head on straight. I need some time
Me:
this is a line for me please please please don’t cross it
Ace Clyde    :
okay i won’t
Ace Clyde    :
even if we’re on pause i’m always here if you need anything
Ace Clyde    :
just lmk
I throw my phone away and bury my face in my pillows. The future looks bleak.

I hate it but I’m helpless to it.

T-PLUS 5 DAYS

The week passes in a haze. Oscar Wilde once said, “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” I’ve never more thoroughly understood the sentiment than right now.

I’m just existing. My body goes through the motions, but my brain barely processes them.

Everyone around me is worried. I know it as well as I know the back of my hand.

Samir checks in on me every night and finds an excuse to do his homework in my room. He tries to broach the subject of our parents, but after I shut him down for the third time, he settles for providing silent comfort. It’s nice to know he’s stayed true to being in my corner, but it doesn’t make the situation better.

Cora and Nandini follow me around protectively even when I’m despondent and unresponsive. Ace watches me constantly and texts me near as often. He doesn’t ask about my parents, but he does ask about me. Every day, I get a variation of How are you doing? interspersed with random updates about his day, even though I rarely reply.

Miss Cannon looks at me with a crease in her brow every time I walk into English. Ever since I told her I had to quit tutoring Ace because of a family issue, she’s been concerned. She offered to talk to my parents, but my vehement refusal stopped her. However, with each passing day she looks like she regrets that decision more and more.

I even go to Pre-Med Society once. I end up leaving halfway through, unable to stomach that this is my future now, that this is really happening.

With each passing day, my heart cracks a little more.

Ironically enough, even my parents have noticed. Everything they ask me to do, I do, but in complete and utter silence. Every time I look in the mirror, my eyes are dead, and I have to assume they’re even more dead when I’m around them.

Once or twice, Ma gives me a sharp look and asks what’s wrong. I shake my head and continue on my way. Baba only frowns at me. When they think I’m not looking, they exchange inscrutable looks.

The one person I refuse to let worry is Dadu. I don’t tell her about anything that’s going on. I don’t know how to tell her. I’m afraid that, if she finds out what my parents said, it’ll set something bigger and scarier into motion.

Back when I thought there was a chance of my parents agreeing, it was okay to involve my grandma. Now, knowing they’re against it, I wouldn’t dare bring her into it. I don’t want to imagine my parents’ anger if they thought I turned her against them.

Even worse, Dadu might feel guilty for my misery, and I can’t stand that idea. She has enough weight on her shoulders from all the loss in her life, without me piling onto it. It’s not her fault our family’s a disaster.

Every day is as monotonous as the last. Nothing in the present matters anymore now that my future is written.

It’s Friday when things are uprooted from the ordinary.

I’m gathering my things from my locker during my lunch period when someone’s shadow looms over me.

I tiredly turn to face them, and I’m taken aback at the sight of Xander Clyde.

“What?” I ask. My voice sounds dead even to my own ears. If I had the energy, I’d wince.

But I’m not going to fake a happy expression for Xander, of all people. He’s low on the list of people whose opinions I care about.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he says, glancing around halfheartedly before looking back at me. There’s no one in the hallway, since it’s already fifteen minutes into lunch and most people are inside the cafeteria or outside enjoying the burgeoning spring weather. “Is now a good time?”

I turn back to my locker. “No.”

“You don’t look busy.”