Chaser (Dive Bar #3)(17)

“Next year, I’m picking what we go as,” I said.

“Fine,” she said.

“You look great as Morticia, babe.” Joe reached out, blindly searching for her knee to pat or something. I couldn’t quite see from the backseat, but I believe his hand might have landed more in Alex’s groin area given the way she squeaked.

“Easy there.” She hastily moved his grip to more child-friendly territory. “And thank you.”

“Just one question,” he said. “How am I supposed to drink anything with all this hair in my face?”

“I’ll put a straw in your drink and lead you around all night so you don’t bump into things.” The light turned to green and Alex accelerated. “Don’t worry. I’ve thought this all out.”

I chuckled. “Beer through a straw. Way to go, Cousin Itt.”

“Shut up, Wednesday,” Joe growled. Or, at least, I think he did. It was kind of muffled from behind all the hair brushed over his face. The black Ray-Bans holding his ’do in place really made the outfit. Of course, all the hair only covered him to his shoulders. So not a true Cousin Itt. Black jeans, boots, and a Henley shirt completed the outfit. He’d gotten off easy, because God only knows how anyone would put up with a wig that reached the floor.

“I’m not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side.” Returning to reading on my cell, I played with one of my braids, swinging it back and forth. “Could have done without the tights, though.”

“It would have looked stupid with just your hairy legs sticking out from under the dress,” said Alex. “Plus, you’ll be warmer.”

I grunted.

“What’s got you so enthralled back there?” she asked.

“I’m studying.”

“Studying what?”

“Brushing up on my dating technique for when I finish my sex ban and get back into the game.”

“The fact that you’re referring to women as a game makes me wonder if you shouldn’t make the break from sex permanent,” said Alex.

Joe snorted. “Still can’t fucking believe you’re doing that.”

“Believe it,” I said.

“Are you going to buy yourself a promise ring?”

I gave him the bird.

The asshole roared with laughter.

“Anyway, I’m learning from one of the masters back here, you might say.” I slid the screen up, moving onto the next email. “Very smooth the way you got her talking about her life and everything. Got to say, I’m actually impressed with you, brother.”

“The fuck you reading?” Joe turned his head, trying to look back at me. It obviously didn’t do him any good since he shoved the sunglasses on top of his head and pried apart his styled hair. He glared out at me with one eye. “Man, those better not be the messages between me and Alex.”

The woman herself flashed me a foul look in the rearview mirror.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “Are you complaining about me reviewing my own dating profile, done under my name, with my picture on every message?” Joe had wooed his girl via the internet and the name and face on the dating site profile had both been mine. Another long story. “So, what … the ratio is like two general questions to a sex one. Something like that?”

Joe tore the hole in his curtain of hair wider. God only knows what his girl had used on it to get that effect. But it couldn’t be good for his hair follicles. “Delete those right now.”

“About when do you think you’re supposed to ask about her family and stuff? I’m just not sure about that personal shit.” I wrapped one of my braids around a finger. “And do you use the same jokes on each girl or come up with new material?”

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“Never mind,” I said. “I’ll work it out for myself.”

Suddenly, the car pulled over to the side of the road and screeched to a halt, throwing me against my seat belt. A car sped past, horn blaring. Fair enough, Alex’s driving was not the best.

“Eric?” Her voice was strained.

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t read those,” she said. “I realize they’re in your name and that your brother was dubious as hell to do that. But they’re still extremely private and I would very much appreciate you deleting them. Immediately.”

“Geez, everyone’s always on me for all the one-night stands, and then the moment I make the effort to improve my boyfriend-material status, you’re all jumping down my throat.…” My words dwindled off. They were both still glaring at me. When riled, it turned out that Morticia and Cousin Itt made a pretty fearsome set. I looked to heaven. “All right. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

People. Jesus. Always so overly sensitive about everything. It annoyed the absolute crap out of me. But happily, the car started moving again and we were on our way. Halloween decorations filled the yards of just about every house we passed. Pumpkins, gourds, and plastic skeletons, white sheets strung up to resemble ghosts. On the actual day, there’d be all of the trick-or-treating and a parade downtown. Not to mention all the hot babes using the opportunity to dress up as slinky devils or cute angels. It was a pretty great time of year.