Blessed Tragedy(33)

“There's friendship. We've been friends since kindergarten and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel good to have him back in my life. But as a friend. That's all he'll ever be.”

In Colton's mind, that should have been the end of our fight. He came to wrap his arms around my waist and I pulled away. The truth was, we'd barely scratched the surface as far as I was concerned. We'd have to revisit the jealousy issues later, but there was no point in that if I didn't clear the air on the rest of what had happened. I wasn't ready to forgive his drunken rant.

“I'm sorry I was an ass. I should have waited.” He rubbed his temples before reaching for the Tylenol. “Fuck, maybe I should have talked to you sooner. I feel like I went a few rounds with Rocky last night.”

“No, just Jon,” I laughed. “But I'm sure he'll like the comparison.”

“What in the hell are you talking about?” I could see the gears grinding in his hung over mind as he tried to remember the end of the night.

“Seriously?” I'd heard of people blacking out but never had I dealt with someone who had zero knowledge of their actions. I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse.

“Yeah, I'm serious. Look, apparently I had more than I thought last night. I remember heading over while you and Jon were wherever you disappeared to and I remember waking up and seeing a note from Travis that you guys were at the hotel. The rest is fuzzy.” At least he had the good sense to look upset at his own admission. Unfortunately, that meant I was going to have to fill in the blanks.

His face paled when I told him about our tiff at the party. That he'd been an ass to me in front of people he respected and looked up to. When I told him he'd accused me and Jon of sleeping together, I thought he was going to vomit. It was surreal to tell him what he'd done as if he hadn't even been there.

“Wow, I f*cked up.” He buried his face in his hands, rubbing hard as he processed my words. “Damn, baby. I'm sorry. Tanya told me someone sent her--”

“Wait a minute,” I snarled, spinning on my heels to face him. “Did Tanya send you those pictures?” I picked up my phone to text Jon. This was a new low, even for her. Colton grabbed my phone before I could do anything.

“She said someone emailed them to her and she thought I should know. And when I had no clue when she tried talking to me about it, yeah, she emailed the pics to me.”

“And you believed her? Seriously? That's f*cked up.” I started to the front of the bus before Colton reached out to me. He grabbed my forearm to stop me from leaving and I stood stock still, not wanting to look at his troubled blue eyes.

“What was I supposed to think?”

I felt tears welling behind my eyes. I needed to get the hell away from him, away from the bus. Pain like this wasn't worth all the good times in the world.

“Maybe you should have thought to talk to me about it. About the fact that you were the one who told me she's waiting for me to f*ck up.” I lowered my sunglasses to cover my eyes before I turned to face him. “Now, it looks like she won.”

Without another word, I left the bus. I heard Colton calling after me. Thankfully, he wasn't wearing pants so I knew I could lose myself in the crowd of fans gathering before he came after me.



For one depressing, lonely day, I was Maddie Neumann, lost little fangirl, wandering through the sweaty throng of people. Even surrounded by thousands of people, I felt completely alone in the world.

As much as I loved my band, I didn't know if I could stay, even through the summer. There was no way I could look at Colton, knowing how little he thought of me every day.

As I sat on the grass, surrounded by complete strangers who either didn't recognize me or were cool enough to not say anything, I watched the bands on stage. Really watched them and analyzed the dynamics between the members. I mourned the loss of that energy exchange, knowing it was likely gone forever. No matter how many times I tried to push those thoughts away, they floated to the forefront.

Eventually, the problems in my personal life sucked the joy out of the outdoor music festival. I reached into my pocket to see what time it was only to find that I'd left my phone back on the bus in my haste to escape.

Although I'm not the praying type, I prayed the entire way back to the bus corral that Colton had left for the comfort of our hotel suite. If I could find a way to avoid seeing him until it was time to go on stage tomorrow, it'd be the biggest blessing I could receive.

Four very concerned faces looked back at me as I stepped onto the bus. “Where the hell did you go?” Jon sighed letting out a sharp breath.

“I was trying to enjoy the day, not that it worked. What's going on?” Last I knew, everyone but Colton was sound asleep at the hotel. I hadn't expected any signs of life for a while yet.

“Colt called us, freaking out that he couldn't get a hold of you.” Jared didn't look up from his journal as he spoke. “Said you stormed out. None of us could reach you; your phone was going straight to voicemail.”

“Yeah, I needed some space, sorry. Not like I'd gone far, if he'd bothered to check, he would have seen that the Silverado is still parked.” I glared at Colton, feeling like he was stirring the pot for some unknown reason. “I can't believe you called them.”

I pushed my way down the aisle, bumping into Colton and Travis as I headed to the bedroom. Just when I thought things were as bad as they'd get, he'd gone and made it sound like I left. Then again, wasn't that exactly what I was planning on doing?

Not wanting anyone to hear the moment I lost my hold on reality, I buried my head under the pillows allowing the tears to flow. I felt stripped bare, no longer recognizing the person I had become.

I ignored the soft knocking on my door. It stopped, only to start again a minute later, louder this time. If anyone really wanted to come in, they'd turn the knob. I wasn't going to invite anyone to witness my breakdown.

“Hey, you okay in here?” Jared was possibly the only person dumb enough to actually come in uninvited.

“Not really, but thanks.” There was no point lying. I'd heard Jon and Colton going back and forth for the past hour. Everything was in the open now.

“It'll be okay. You know that, right?” Jared's innocence made the corners of my mouth turn into a slight smile. If only we all could have held onto that virtue we'd be in a better place.

“Honestly, I'm not even sure of that right now, but thanks,” I sighed. “I'm not sure I can keep doing this, Jared. Don't say anything, but that's the point I'm at.”

“You can't say things like that. Someone might take you seriously.” Jared opened his arms but didn't move towards me. “Want a hug?”

I rolled my eyes. What was it about the guys that made them all assume that because I'm a girl, anything could be made better with a hug? Sure, a lot of things could be, but not something like this.

I stood, unable to bring myself to be a bitch to Jared. He was only trying to help. “Sure, but don't tell Colton,” I said sarcastically. It would take a long time before I let go of the bitterness I felt when my mind replayed his words about me putting out.

“He was an ass,” Jared agreed, “But he does love you. You have to know that. Maybe I shouldn't say anything since I'm the new kid and all, but he really was a little bitch when you went home to see your dad. Constantly complaining that he wanted you to get back because he missed you. I almost took away his man card a few times.”

It felt good to laugh, even if it was only half-hearted. Jared's a good kid. The bitch was almost as wrong about him as she was about me. He was going to be a great addition to our group. And there it was; our group. No matter how much it broke my heart, I needed to find a way to compartmentalize my personal and professional lives. Blessed Tragedy will be my life as long as they'll have me.





Chapter Eighteen



When you live a traditional life with the normal comforts of life, breaking up is relatively easy. You gather anything that you'd left at the other person's house, say goodbye and you're done with it. Nothing about my life is traditional.

After Springfield, I wound up moving to the other bus for a few days, not able to sequester myself in the same small space as Colton for any amount of time. The hour we spent together preparing and on stage was too much some days.

Unfortunately, running away and hiding with the roadies wasn't a viable option either. I needed to be with my boys, the men who made me feel safe. And the insecure part of me worried they might see me as weak and immature and start planning to toss me on my ass if I stayed away too long.

Every morning, Colton sat across from me at the table as we ate in silence. With the summer schedule, most of our shows were during the day and he and I were the only two who'd started keeping “normal” hours, getting up in the morning and actually going to sleep at night. By the end of my first week back on the bus, I felt my resolve weakening. As much as I wanted to stay mad at him and hate him for what he said, the ache in my chest told me that would never be possible. Holding onto the negative feelings was slowly killing me.