Black Buck(23)

“When will that happen?” Frodo asked, a goofy, dreamlike smile dancing on his face.

“As soon as you stop asking stupid questions and start putting numbers on the board. That’s when.”

Frodo’s smile disappeared.

“And when can we start doing that?” The Duchess asked, admiring her manicure.

“Once you earn the right to do so,” Clyde said, writing numbers next to everyone’s name. There was a 108 next to Clyde’s and a 208 next to Rhett’s.

Frodo raised his hand again. Clyde sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Yes, Frodo?”

“How come so many people report to Rhett? Seems a bit odd that he, uh, owns all of these different departments.”

“How many companies have you built, Frodo?”

“Uh, none, I’m just trying to—”

“Exactly. None. Zero. Zilch. If you haven’t noticed, Rhett likes control. He likes it because he’s the best at every single function below him. MBA from Harvard, master’s in organizational psychology from USC, number one salesman for every year he worked at Salesforce, director of product at Google for two years, and inventor of seven products marketed and sold on HSN, QVC, and those commercials that air at three in the morning. We’re not supposed to know about those, but I’ll just tell you that one of his products rhymes with ‘slam cow.’”

Frodo’s eyes widened. “Rhett invented the sham—”

“Don’t say it!” Clyde said. “Again, we’re not supposed to know. But, yes, he did. Moving on. The sales team,” he said, slapping the chart, “has three parts. Account executives, known as AEs. Account managers, known as AMs. And sorry-ass sales development representatives, known as SDRs, which is what you three are. Who can tell me what an SDR does?”

The Duchess rolled her eyes. “We call new companies, qualify prospects, and hand them off to the AEs to close.”

“More or less, yes,” Clyde said, erasing the chart. “But not exactly. SDRs are the lifeblood of the sales team. Without you, there are no deals or branded hoodies, no food or kombucha on tap, or any of that other crap. If you don’t do your jobs, and I mean if you don’t fucking produce, the company ceases to exist. So, beyond qualifying and handing people off to the AEs, your role requires blood, sweat, and tears of enthusiasm that I’m frankly not seeing in any of you right now.”

Tears of enthusiasm? It was nine in the morning and I was already exhausted. Exhausted from trying to get to the office on time, from the stress of the morning meeting, and from smelling like Bob Ross’s studio. I didn’t even notice I was nodding off until . . .

“Stand up!” Clyde shouted, centimeters from my face. “You want to sleep? On day one of training? Not on my fucking watch. Tell me what Sumwun is. Now.”

I had googled the company over the weekend and finally found out what it did, or at least what I thought it did. “Sumwun is a platform that connects individuals with what are known as ‘assistants’ from around the world to discuss their various issues, life problems, and challenges in an effort to—”

“ANG!” Clyde shouted. “That sucked. Take a seat. You obviously don’t know how to spit. The Duchess. Go.”

She stood, straightening out her wide leather belt, and said, “Through live video sessions, two-way texting, and visual reporting, Sumwun gives individuals the support to overcome their issues and achieve their goals.”

“ANG!” Clyde yelled. The Duchess cut him with her eyes. “Sit!”

Frodo shot up, and said, “Sumwun is, uh. Sumwun is about, uh, giving people the power to, um—”

“Sit the fuck down,” Clyde said, shaking his head. “All of you sound like robots regurgitating what’s on the website. No, you sound like retarded robots, like you didn’t make the cut and should have had your plugs pulled.” He went back to the wall, and the three of us sat there awkwardly as Clyde wrote out the entire pitch, reading each word aloud as he did.

“There are more than seven billion people on earth, meaning there are at least seven billion people with their own struggles, challenges, and ways of living. Seven billion people, like you, who wake up, go to work, spend time with family, eat, love, and sleep awaiting a new day. But as the population grows, the stresses, difficulties, and anxieties that people face grow with it. Long gone are the days when traditional, one-size-fits-all therapy worked. In fact, it has never worked, but no one has had an alternative, so people have ended up paying insane prices to speak with so-called therapists, and wasted thousands of dollars on self-help books that have helped no one except the authors who pocketed the cash. Or they’ve ended up suffering silently, eventually harming themselves or others.

“Realizing this, we created Sumwun to empower individuals to receive assistance that is personalized, tailored, and customized for their needs, all while removing the stigma around seeking help. By offering a growing team of over two thousand assistants from around the world, who have different ways of life, subscribe to different beliefs, and apply different methods of therapy, we guarantee that you and those closest to you will find someone who is able to speak to your own challenges in a way that is geared toward finding a solution, rather than someone who will profit off of your pain by keeping you on as a patient.

“With individual and corporate clients in more than 150 countries, Sumwun ensures that you will always have someone to talk to whenever you need someone to talk to.