Begin Again (Again #1)(65)

I turned to Kaden. “What the fuck are you doing?”

He was sitting on his bed, bent forward, with his arms on his thighs, and something that looked like a bag of frozen vegetables on his right hand.

He said nothing, but stared downward.

“I asked you a question,” I said, raising my voice.

“I heard you.” There was no emotion in his voice.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

He was silent and kept his gaze downward.

I didn’t know what to do with my anger. What I wanted to do was just shake him. His actions tonight hurt more than anything I’d heard him say to his mother. I didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. “I know that things got a bit too intense between us, okay? And I’m sorry that you got involved in my whole dramatic story. But you wanted me to tell you everything. That’s no reason to be mean now. That just ruins everything, Kaden. Everything.”

“And what if that’s what I want to do?” he whispered.

“Why should you?” I hissed.

Kaden looked at the bag on his hand. “I don’t know any other way to be.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” My voice had become calm without my even trying.

Kaden stood up. He let the bag fall on the floor and took one single, slow step toward me.

“I’m an asshole, Allie,” he said, his voice disquietingly soft, his dark eyes unfathomable. “A major asshole, who even punches out his best friend. Get used to it. It’s not going to change.”

I snorted. “You didn’t hit Spencer because you’re an asshole. You did it because you couldn’t handle seeing me with another guy.”

“Yeah.”

“You can’t handle it because something happened in the past that you never talk about, and … ” I stopped and stared at him. “What did you just say?”

He took another step toward me. “Yeah.”

I backed away. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kaden exhaled slowly. He rubbed his hands a few times over his face, shaking his head. When he let his hands drop, his expression was no longer remote and closed, but gentle.

“Yes, Allie. Yes, seeing you and Spencer like that drove me crazy. Yes, I’m insecure, and all that scares me half to death. Yes, after Kendra I’ve never let anyone else in, and yes, I hate that you arouse my need to be open, to give myself.”

My breath stopped. The blood rushed into my ears as I stared at Kaden with an open mouth.

“You’ve bowled me over. I never wanted to let anyone get close to me but you managed it anyway. You drive me nuts with your endless talking, and sometimes I’d like to tape your mouth shut.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I’m not a nice guy, and I don’t want to get you involved in my shit because I know you have enough problems of your own … but goddammit, Allie,” he blurted out. “I need you.”

He placed his hand on my check, and I noticed how he was trying to hold back. His thumb stroked my skin, a touch that I felt in my whole body. He took a deep breath. “I am totally crazy about you.”

“But you told your mother … ” My voice faltered.

“What else could I have said to her? Even I didn’t know what’s happening with us,” he whispered. “You don’t know my mom. She would never have let go. But to think that I don’t want you because of your past … Allie, that’s ridiculous. I admire your courage, your strength, and your confidence in me.”

“But you couldn’t even look at me,” I said, confused.

“Because I was afraid I’d lose control. You have no idea how hard it has been for me not to go to you the last few nights. I wanted you so much.” Kaden looked at me now with hunger in his eyes. “And I’m glad to be the one who keeps you together when you fall apart.”

“You’re joking,” I stammered.

“I’m a jerk, and I don’t think there’s any hope for me. But I’d love to be the jerk who’s there for you.”

Well, this talk had gone in a different direction from what I expected. I was prepared for a Kaden who was closed and unapproachable, but now he was standing here saying all these things that made my heart beat faster, faster, faster.

“How am I supposed to know you won’t wake up tomorrow and feel different? What about your rules?” I said, my voice hoarse.

Kaden leaned down and brushed my cheeks with his lips.

“Fuck the rules, Allie,” he whispered. “They were doomed to fail the moment I saw you.”





Chapter 26


He didn’t kiss me.

Instead, he pressed his lips against my cheek and seemed to wait for my answer. But I’d already lost the ability to think rationally.

My pulse was racing, and I could scarcely breathe; I wanted his touch so much, it almost hurt.

“You’re crazy about me?” I whispered, incredulous.

“Pretty crazy. Even though sometimes I have doubts about my sanity. Like when I think about your terrible taste in coffee, or the perfumed candles, or the Taylor Swift CDs—”

I didn’t let him continue. Instead I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him.