Before I Let You Go(50)

“Ready to go?” Sam approaches me, and I nod. “Are you okay? You’re flushed.”

“Just ready to get out of here,” I mutter, reluctant to tell him about Annie’s little mood swing. I’m concerned about how he’ll react. He’ll either storm into her room and tell her off, or justify her behavior by pointing out that she’s just had a baby, her hormones are all over the place, she’s in significant pain and she’s probably terrified. I’m not sure which would annoy me more, so I keep my mouth shut.

As soon as we get home, I walk right into our bedroom to make the call to Mom. Robert answers, his voice gruff and abrupt.

“Hello.”

“Hello, Robert. This is Alexis. Please can I speak with my mother?”

Ever since I had to call them to beg for money the first time Annie needed to go to private rehab, he’s allowed us relatively easy access to Mom over the phone. I have no idea why. I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect his surprise lenience with the rules is because he feels guilty for how hard he was on Annie when she was a kid.

Robert doesn’t respond to my request, but this is pretty typical—on the rare occasions that I call, he doesn’t waste time with small talk. Instead, I hear muffled sounds and then my mother’s voice comes through the line.

“Oh, hello, Lexie,” she greets me, and she sounds delighted, as she always does when I call. “It’s so nice to hear from you.”

I’m startled by the nervous butterflies in my stomach. For a moment, I actually think I’m going to lose my nerve. I clear my throat and pick up Sam’s pillow, then cuddle it close against my chest.

“Hi, Mom,” I say. “Listen . . . something has happened with Annie. She’s okay, but I—well, I don’t know how . . .”

“Is everything okay?” Mom asks, and I hear the mounting concern in her voice. Mom loves us—I know Annie has her doubts, but I don’t. The decisions Mom has made, even the questionable ones, have all been because she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.

“Annie had a baby today, Mom.”

“A what?”

“It’s a girl. Her name is Daisy Nell.” I let Mom digest this, but she’s silent for a long time. I press my face into Sam’s pillow and inhale deeply, but the moment stretches, and eventually I prompt, “Mom? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Mom says stiffly. “I’m confused, but I’m fine. I spoke to her two weeks ago and she didn’t mention a baby. She said she was busy with work.”

“Work?” I repeat blankly. “I’m not really sure about that, Mom. She thought she could clean up her act before she told you, but she got sick and the baby had to come early. Annie has still been using drugs, so Daisy will probably have to go through withdrawals over the next few weeks.” I know I’m giving Mom a lot of shocking news all at once, so I try to soften it a little as I add, “But she should be fine eventually, too.”

“Oh . . . oh, no. Annie, no,” Mom whispers—her voice is thickening. She’s near tears, and suddenly I am, too. “How has it come to this, Lexie?”

“She has a problem, Mom.”

“She needs to get herself right with the Lord.”

“She needs to get herself right with herself, Mom.” I sigh impatiently. “Look, I just wanted to let you know. The thing is . . . the police and Child Protective Services are involved, because she had a positive drug test at the hospital. She’s been charged because she used drugs while she was pregnant, so now she has to go to rehab next week.”

“Rehab is good. You just have to help her stop now, Lexie. She’s got a child now,” Mom says. This is simple to her. I just need to sort Annie out so she can be a good mom. To my mother, this is a moral failure, not an illness, and it’s one that Mom sees as transferable—I’m more responsible than Annie, so I can solve this if I just apply myself.

It’s nothing new, but it’s maddening.

“She can’t just stop. If she could stop, she would have stopped years ago. She’s an addict, for God’s sake.”

“Please don’t speak like that, Alexis. You know it upsets me.”

“What upsets me is watching my sister waste her life to this addiction, Mom. I’m frustrated and I’m tired and I just want you to understand what a complete mess this is. Annie is going to rehab next week without her baby. The baby will stay with me until she’s released—in three months’ time. Do you understand that?”

“So what do you want me to do? You know I can’t come.” Mom is whispering now. I imagine Robert has come closer again, and I know she’s going to wrap the call up even before she does. “Well, thank you for letting me know. We will have the church family pray for her.”

“Mom. Please at least talk to Robert about coming over. To support Annie. Please.”

“You know that Robert and I believe Annie needs to resolve her issues on her own. She has made the decision to walk away from her faith and—”

“Don’t you even want to see your granddaughter?”

“I would really appreciate it if you could find a way to send a photo to me, Alexis. Truly, it would mean the world,” Mom says stiffly. “And, of course, please keep me informed if anything changes.”