Before I Let You Go(54)

“I know, love,” I reassure her, and it’s less than half a lie. “I know.”

“Hang on a second, Lexie,” she murmurs, and I stop the chair cautiously, watching to see what she does. She pulls herself out of it with a wince, then walks around the chair to throw herself at me—wrapping her arms around my neck. I’m not expecting the embrace and I startle a little, but she only tightens her grip.

“Thank you, Lexie,” she whispers, and I wrap my arms around her skinny little frame and blink against the tears that have sprung into my eyes. She draws in a deep breath and relaxes the hug, then leans back to stare into my eyes. I think she’s about to say something else profound, but a twinkle rises in her gaze and for just a split second, I can see a mischievous, childlike quality in her again.

“What was that you were saying about coffee and doughnuts at the cafeteria for breakfast?” she asks me.

“I think I said ‘coffee and muffins.’” I laugh softly.

“I’m pretty sure a doughnut is just a muffin with a hole in the middle.”

“Got a hankering for doughnuts this morning, huh?”

“Every morning. Always.”

“Return to your chariot, then, madam, and we’ll see what we can do,” I tease her gently, and I help her back into the chair, then start the long walk down the hallway.





20


ANNIE


Luke,

I had no idea where to find Lexie. If she’d been writing to me, Robert had intercepted the letters, and if she’d called, no one had ever told me. But that was just as we expected when she left—by walking away, she was rejecting the church, and that meant those left behind were supposed to behave as if she’d died.

But I knew my sister wouldn’t have forgotten about me, just as certainly as I knew she’d have fallen on her feet when she got out into the real world. So I walked out of Winterton and toward Collinsville, and there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I’d find refuge with her.

I had a small backpack with my most prized possessions—a photo of Dad and my journal. I had only the clothes I wore—I hadn’t taken any others because I never wanted to wear them again. Every article in my wardrobe was a clear signal to anyone in the area around Winterton that I came from the village. I never wanted to be associated with the sect again. I wanted only to be free, and as I walked those first few miles, that’s exactly how I felt. The air tasted different, and breathing felt easier—like my chest had been compressed and suddenly released. I laughed a few times, just because I was out of the house and just because I was never going back.

It was only as I reached the outskirts of Collinsville that the magnitude of my situation really hit me. I had no idea what Mom and Robert would even do—maybe they would follow me? No one had gone after Lexie, but she’d been older—almost an adult. I’d never heard of a fourteen-year-old leaving Winterton before—the other children my age were different, almost robotic in their obedience.

And if Robert did come for me, what would he do? The thought was terrifying—what punishment could he possibly inflict on me that was worse than the ones I’d suffered already?

I’d been brave and excited, but soon, I was shaking and sobbing, running along the road toward an unknown destination. I hid behind bushes when cars came from the direction of Winterton, and a sweeping paranoia came over me—I startled a flock of birds in a tree and when they flew away, I heard the sound of footsteps in the flapping of their wings.

Collinsville is a small place, and a distraught, half-crazed fourteen-year-old walking along the highway wasn’t going to go unnoticed for long. A police car soon pulled up alongside me. Convinced Robert had sent them for me, I tried to run away. The officers caught me, and when they pinned me to the ground, I panicked all over again.

“Hey! Kid! Settle down!” one of the officers shouted, after the wild thrashing of my wrists almost caught his jaw. “We don’t want to hurt you. What happened? Where are you going?”

“My sister,” I sobbed. “I need to find my sister.”

“You’re from Winterton?” the other office said, leaning over me warily. I shook my head—irrational in my fear. Of course they knew I was from Winterton. My clothes would have left them no doubt.

“Where is your sister?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, and then I started to sob again. “Please don’t make me go back. I can’t go back. Please help me.”

“If I release you, will you stop hitting me?” the first officer asked. When I nodded, he slid off me and took my hand to help me up. “Let’s go to the station and figure something out.”

“You’re not going to take me back?” I asked. I let him pull me to my feet, but I planted them hard. I was ready to run—I wasn’t going anywhere near that car until they promised me.

“Right now, we’re going to the station so you can tell us what’s going on. Then we’ll make a plan, okay?”

At the station I met a sympathetic female officer, who made me hot cocoa and casually chatted with me about my situation. I gave her a heavily sanitized account of my issues at home—I focused only on what I figured would seem serious enough for them to let me stay away, but not bad enough to get anyone into any real trouble. I was also pretty sure I’d asked for the worst of it—would they arrest me if I told them? I didn’t want them to ask Robert about it, then come back and tell me in disgust that it was all my fault anyway. But mostly, I didn’t want Mom to ever know, and so I kept my mouth shut. I felt I might be a terrible, wicked person, but at least I was good at keeping secrets.