Atonement(60)
“‘What do you think you are preserving, exactly? The world doesn’t run on knowledge alone. You need to be useful—isn’t that why people go to college in the first place?’ It became a running mantra in our home and I just stopped coming home. I spent more and more time with Drew back in Boston. His family was there—his mom at least—and we would travel between Massachusetts and Washington D.C. It became fun, something to do because his parents were so different than mine. They seemed to get it and besides, he would eventually take his father’s position in Washington so spending a lot of time in the world of Academia didn’t bother them.”
“So, what are you trying to say?”
“Well, we’re not so different—you and I. You think because you were a bad boy and trying to live up to your brother’s expectations makes you any different than me burying my head in the sand by hiding behind Drew and his family because he was safe?
“Caitlyn’s right, you know,” I whispered. “Perhaps I did lead him on all these years. Why didn’t I just tell him we would never be together like that but I gave him a false sense of security…and I made him believe there could one day be a ‘him and I’. That’s not right and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Come on, let’s go back inside. Neither one of us have the answers but we sure as hell aren’t going to find them out here.”
He followed me back inside and we both undressed and snuggled in bed together. I loved sleeping in the nude with him. We didn’t have to do this talk tonight and for some reason, I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to hear what ever it was he had to say. It was best to go to sleep with the words left unsaid.
Chapter Sixteen
THE FOLLOWING DAY, we spent an exciting day in the country with Carolien and Jens before we boarded an evening train to Brussels. We arrived in the endless city of chocolate and commerce late but not late enough we couldn’t find a decent hotel near the train station.
That night, we hatched a plan to do a quick tour of Brussels though there wasn’t much to see. The next day, we had a lunch at a café, and planned our itinerary shortly after we bought evening tickets to Paris. Then, we proceeded to tour the city and after several times of spending too long on their subway system, we ended up in the ghetto and had to walk back to the business district.
We managed to get photos of all the sites, including the numerous office buildings, the notoriously infamous fountain where the little boy is taking a piss, officially known as Mannekin Pis Fountain. Then we stocked up on chocolate and barely made it back to the Brussels Railway Station in time for our Thalys train to Paris.
It was a fairly light ride and only halfway full so it was quite easy to find our seats before we collapsed and settled next to one another. Colin pulled out the camera and started to review the photos as we laughed together and reflected on our whip-lash tour of Brussels but at least we could officially say we visited.
“If I hadn’t planned this journey, would this be how you would have planned it?” he inquired after we stopped laughing.
I had to think for a moment before I replied, “I honestly don’t know.” I touched his hair with gentle fingers. “I thought this would be so romantic…you know, the two of us falling for one another here in Europe around all this history and surrounded by centuries’ old buildings but I realize I would have as much fun with you in Seattle as we’re having here. Does that make sense?”
I looked away as the train began to speed up and the landscape became a comforting blur. “I thought I needed all of this because I wanted to desperately escape. I foolishly believed if I wasn’t in Seattle then I would forget about my father’s death but that doesn’t make any sense, does it? How do you forget about someone’s death by changing your scenery? Your dad suggested the trip because he knew the anti-depressants and the Xanax weren’t helping the situation. I was actually getting worse. I was scared of my own f*cking shadow. The Zoloft and Wellbutrin were turning me into your average soccer mom and I wasn’t myself. I felt like a f*cking zombie.”
Colin turned my head toward his and he stared deep in my eyes. “I f*cking love you, Deirdre. I don’t care how f*cked up you are and if that means I have to deal with all your different neurosis, I’m ready. I just want to be with you, do you understand me?”
I smiled at him before I kissed his lips and pulled back to wipe my lip gloss from his mouth. “I love you too but I won’t use the ‘F’ word. It would be undignified. I graduated from Harvard for God’s sake.”