Atonement(59)
Colin crawled up my body, kissing different parts as he slowly reached me and when his face hovered over mine, I grasped my hands around his neck in a possessive manner and our mouths met in a delicious symphony of tastes and sounds. He guided his manhood inside me and I moaned out loud and wrapped my legs around his waist.
My arms clung to his neck while his hands held my hips in a vice-grip. Our sex became frenzied and the harder he thrust into me, the more I became one with him. At once, I felt overwhelmed but at the same moment, I thought I might melt into the bed and thus lose our closeness.
It was a feeling I’d never shared with anyone else but one that always accompanied the sex between us. Perhaps it was my subconscious feeling we could lose one another at any moment and I would be left alone yet again. Or maybe I should have told him I loved him just in case something ever happened to him, he would know what we had was never just sex.
Colin continued to thrust in and out of me and the orgasm washed over me like a gentle wave on a beach but I still clung to him and rode it out as my vaginal muscles clung around him like a vice. He gripped my waist tighter and buried his face in my neck as he came with a long moan and sigh crushed into one.
We lay there together for a while. He pulled out once he had gone soft but he still clung to me, resting his head on my chest as I stroked his silky flaxen strands.
“Maybe we should leave tomorrow after we meet up with Carolien and Jens. We can take the train to Brussels and from there get a train to Paris. How about it? Let’s just live fast and loose for the next couple of days. No rules—just you and me, how about it?” I explained in clipped sentences.
“Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I would go anywhere with you, baby. We can do what ever you want and I would be game, you know that?”
“Seriously? You aren’t angry with me? Earlier, you told me I was overreacting and I just assumed you would feel the same now.”
He clicked his tongue before he sat up and crossed his legs Indian-style. I sat up as well and leaned against the headboard. “I was a fool but I did say one true thing…I’m not convinced I didn’t bring tonight on myself. I have done some real bad shit, Deirdre. Illegal stuff and probably the only reason why I got away with it was because I was a rich white boy. At least I was at the time…I think we can both agree that turning thirty no longer makes me a ‘boy’ in any sense of the word.”
I stared at him for a long time, unsure about what to say in response. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Colin swung his legs around on the bed before he stood and slipped on a pair of jeans, commando-style. I slipped on one of his white oversized tee shirts that barely covered the top of my thighs and we both walked out to the small balcony. He pulled a cigarette out and lit it before he inhaled hungrily.
“I don’t know if you’re ready for all that crap. I mean, Liam and I aren’t some poor ass white trash that had to fight for what we got in life but…it didn’t stop us from actin’ like we had something to prove. We were a couple of pain in the asses for our parents’ and I can’t help but think of all the shit we did because Liam wanted to do something fun and exciting.” His glare turned my way. “I wonder if he decided to tell Caitlyn about all of that and I know the answer because I know him.”
I took the cigarette from him and slipped it between my lips before I dragged on it hungrily. “Then why are you telling me about all this if it can just stay hidden? You know I would never say anything to anyone about it.”
He took the cigarette back from me and dragged long and leisurely before he flicked it over the balcony. “Because I’m not Liam. I have a conscience and I am not suggesting my brother doesn’t but he’s not me. I have worshipped him since we were kids, Deirdre. He was this hero, this amazing, larger than life character and I was so proud to have him as my brother. You don’t know what that’s like because you’re the oldest, like he is.”
I slipped my arms around his waist and held on to him as we looked into one another’s eyes. “That might be true but I do know what it’s like to live in another person’s shadow. I’ve done it my whole life with Cait being the perfect one and me being the ‘Wendy’ of the family. You know, from Peter Pan. I was the one who didn’t want to grow up or become an adult—Mom used to tease me and tell me I was what was wrong with Western Civilization. People like me who only wanted to acquire knowledge for knowledge’s sake and nothing else.