Atonement(53)
Colin turned my head towards his and I stared into those endless crystal blue eyes. “What’s going on? What did Caitlyn want?”
“To shame and humiliate me,” I responded before I swigged from my lager in a greedy manner. “What can I say? She succeeded quite beautifully.”
“What did she say to you? What ever happened has hurt you a damn sight more than you are letting on and I want to be here to help you, baby, you know that, right?”
I breathed deeply and realized I would not get out of this situation without telling Colin but would he think I was a whore too? Would he no longer want me and consider me used goods despite he was only the third man I’d shared my body with? Having a long-time friends with benefits who was a former boyfriend had its rewards. It meant I didn’t have to look for random guys to f*ck and it also assured me that I’d been loved, even when the act was purely physical.
That was until Liam came along with his hidden charms, bedroom eyes, irresistible personality and large cock. Sometimes a woman couldn’t say no and despite the way my sister acted that night, I would never regret my decision, not yet at least. However, Colin could definitely bring me down to size and make me regret anything.
“I don’t know if you truly understand the magnitude of what you’re asking me because it is awful and my sister has reduced me to shit about it. I didn’t tell her that though,” I responded in a soft tone that could barely be heard against the loud music.
“Come on, let’s go outside.”
“But what about our beers?”
Colin smiled. “This is a ‘roofer free’ zone.” He pointed to a sign in German. “That’s what it says. There are cameras everywhere and the whole point is for people to feel okay with leaving their drinks so they can go outside to have a ciggie. The rules are posted over the bar. This place has been around for a while and I love visiting here. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t know the staff and how they operated.”
I nodded and we both scooted out of the booth on our perspective sides and walked outside. As soon as we stepped outside, Colin offered me yet another cigarette and I took it even though I didn’t need anymore nicotine. Once I got back to Seattle, it would be cold turkey again and absolutely no more smoking.
“So, what happened?” he wondered out loud.
We could speak in normal voices and that was definitely a good thing because I certainly didn’t want to shout out what I was about to tell him.
“My sister…she called because your brother has decided what ever they have is serious enough to risk talking about his past and the past in particular concerning him and I.”
Colin’s blue eyes never changed yet I knew the truth dawned on him like the sun coming up on a bright, blue, cloudless day. “What about you and Liam?”
“We…” I trailed off and flicked the ash from my burning cigarette. “Before you and I got together officially…we slept together. It was a one night stand and although it lasted all night and there were multiple times of us…well, pleasuring one another, it only happened that one night.
“I can’t even pretend to blame it on the drink or say I was too drunk to know what I was doing. It’d been a while since I’d been with anyone and I found him sexy and attractive. I wanted to sleep with him because I didn’t want to ruin what we had together and at the time, if I had chosen to have sex with you, I don’t think we would be couple now.”
The truth was finally out there and as my eyes reached for Colin’s again, I wondered why he didn’t react in the same way Caitlyn had. Instead, there was an utter calmness and acceptance of the situation. It was almost as if he had expected me to tell him something like this and that made me feel all the more like a piece of shit.
“I’m sorry,” I continued in quiet voice. “God knows if I could take back the past, I would. It was a stupid f*cking thing to do but it felt great at the time and I made him wear a condom because I didn’t want there to be real physical intimacy between the two of us—”
“Regardless, I’m still positive he pulled out all the stops, didn’t he? I’m sure he ate you out and did everything with you we’ve done. Am I wrong?” Colin interrupted in a neutral voice.
“No…you’re not wrong.” I sighed. “Caitlyn seems to think what ever happened between us I did on purpose, as if to sabotage their relationship but I swear to God when it happened, neither one of us were with anyone. We were both single adults enjoying the pleasures of carnal knowledge. I’m not twenty-two but I have only been with three men in my life. For a long time, there was just Drew, only Drew. I used him as my bootie call way after our relationship fell apart because I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t want to be ‘that kind of girl’, know what I mean? The kind you couldn’t introduce your grandparents to because I was an embarrassment and my * had seen more traffic than Grand Central Station.