An Act of Persuasion(91)

“Are you going to answer my question?”

“Huh?”

“Anna.” He felt like growling. “Do not attempt to play dumb with me. Why won’t you let me move in here?”

She smiled and climbed into bed, this time plumping the pillows behind her back. “You know I’ve been thinking about this...”

“Excellent. Although, honestly, I don’t see why it required a lot of thought.”

“I told you, this is a big decision for me. For us.”

Irritation bubbled immediately. “What’s to decide? I’ve been living in this house and sleeping in this bed now for months. We’re talking about moving the rest of my things and putting my house up for sale.”

“Your house up for sale? No, I don’t think you should do that. You might—”

“What?” His temper was slipping away in a manner it never had before. He didn’t lose his temper. Ever. He controlled it. But she was making him crazier every day with her need to keep any sort of distance between them. He shot out of bed and paced in front of her.

“What are you thinking? That when this doesn’t work out, I’ll need some place to go back to?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t have to.

“What haven’t I done, Anna?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I mean, what are you waiting for to prove that this is actually happening? We are becoming a family. Don’t I make you happy?”

If it was possible for a woman of her size to curl in on herself, it’s what she did. “You make me very happy.”

“Haven’t I been attentive? Haven’t we connected? We come home to this place together and you put your feet on my lap and I watch you eat more food than I ever thought a human could consume and we laugh and talk. Then we came to this bed and I made love to you and you came. Didn’t you?”

“Of course. Ben, you know I love that...with you. It’s just now—”

“I’m not talking about now—I know that it’s not comfortable, although I’m mad that you didn’t tell me sooner.” He knew he was sounding ridiculous but suddenly the distance she insisted on, his irritations were all there. She was with him. But not all the way. He was holding on to her, but she was still wiggling to get free.

“Okay, let me get this straight. You’re mad at me because I had sex with you.”

“I’m mad at you because you wouldn’t tell me what you wanted when you wanted it. Or in this case when you wanted it to stop. Since when did you decide to be polite...with me?”

“Ben, you’re crazy. Maybe the stress of everything is getting to you.”

He clenched his jaw and made his hands into fists. He felt like there was this dark monster sitting between her and him and he wanted to fight it. He wanted to take it apart with his bare hands. But stubbornness...or whatever her stubbornness was shielding wasn’t an enemy he could take on with his fists.

“It’s not the stress. It’s you. You’re holding back. You think I can’t feel it? You think I wouldn’t know?”

Her face grew even whiter then. “You—you said you didn’t know what love was so how would you know if I’m holding it back. Maybe I’m trying.”

Maybe she was. Maybe this was the most she could give him. Then why suddenly did he need more? It was nonsensical. She was right, maybe he was crazy. He couldn’t seem to shake this feeling that, as close as they’d grown, he was still losing her.

He couldn’t lose her. She had to love him.

“Maybe I don’t know what love is supposed to be but I think this is damn close. Isn’t it close, Anna? I mean, here we are living our lives together, enjoying each other and making plans for this new beautiful life that’s about to join us. Isn’t this what it’s supposed to be about?”

“I wouldn’t know,” she said quietly. “I’ve never had anything like this before. At least nothing that couldn’t be taken away.”

“Is that it? Is that what you’re afraid of? That I’m going to leave you? That I’m going to die? I can’t control that, Anna. That’s the chance you have to take. I had cancer. Right now it’s gone but I don’t know what the hell will happen in five years, or ten. You can’t live your life being afraid.”

“I’m not afraid!”