An Act of Persuasion(102)
“This is important to you?”
Anna glanced at the baby, the smile she wore practically making her glow from the inside. The light and energy that was Anna was back and even brighter than before. “Yes. I think...I think I need that last piece. Then it will all make sense.”
“Okay. In a few weeks when you’re up for it, I’ll take you to her. She works at a snack shop in one of the Big Foods stores.”
“She’s clean?”
“Yes. She served fifteen of her eighteen-year sentence. Got sober in prison and was able to get the job through a charitable organization that finds jobs for the formerly incarcerated.”
Her eyes narrowed. “And you knew all of this for years?”
“I did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ben thought of the easy answer, that he hadn’t wanted to tell her something so awful about her past. But there was more. “I was afraid. I thought if I told you what I had done—looking for them in the first place, even though you never asked me to—that you would know.”
“Know what?”
He took a deep breath. The crazy thing was he actually found himself wanting to say it out loud. He didn’t want her to just know it. He wanted to say it and know that she heard it. Awake this time.
“That I was obsessed with you. That I thought about you all the time. That I needed every piece of you. Your work, your life, your past and your present. In my head I couldn’t reason why, but now it all makes so much sense. I didn’t know what love was and yet it was right there. The whole time. Staring me in the face. That boyfriend you thought you dumped five years ago... What was his name? The one who had the nerve to borrow money from me for your date?”
“You mean Kevin?”
“He was going to dump you first. Because I arranged it. I told him if he ever even so much as looked at you again, bad things would happen to him and he could be assured of that because of my background in black ops. At the time I told myself I was only doing it for your own good. He wasn’t nearly good enough for you and I was simply helping out a friend who was mixed up with the wrong person.”
“Like I said, baby girl. Daddy is a nutcase.”
Ben could see she was smiling as she said that. Another fight avoided then. “I told myself a lot of things when it came to you. But the truth is I was lying. Lying about everything. There were times I told myself I hated you for turning me into this irrational creature. I would think about letting you go, cutting all ties so I could go back to my normal life. Then I would laugh at myself because I knew it would never happen. I would never let you go.”
He watched as she literally had to work to close her jaw. Then he saw the confusion in her expression and he knew what her next question would be before she asked it. So he gave her the answer.
“I shut you down after we made love that first time because I wasn’t prepared to deal with any of those emotions, Anna. Hell, I haven’t been dealing with them very well these past nine months or else I would have told you I loved you as soon as I saw you again. I know it’s crazy, but that’s where my head was then. I had lost control over you, and I was losing control over my body and the two things happening at the same time...messed with my reasoning. It’s my only explanation and I know it’s not a very good one.”
“It’s a pretty good one.”
“Do you forgive me? For that and your parents? When I learned what happened to them I told myself it was better that you didn’t know. Then when you asked me to find them I thought learning about them while you were pregnant wasn’t a good idea. I was going to tell you. Eventually. I just wanted to pick a better time. Namely, after you were married to me.”
“I should be furious,” she said.
She didn’t look angry. “You were furious. You kicked me out of your home. Remember?”
Anna smiled, then got up and settled the soundly sleeping baby in the bassinet. Slowly she walked over to where he sat and he made room for her on his lap. Gingerly, she settled into his arms and he was careful not to touch her stomach.
“I made up that fight,” she whispered, her head against his shoulder, probably so she didn’t have to look at him.
“Really?”
“I was scared. I was scared of how I felt about you and I couldn’t deal with it. I wanted what you were offering so much. A real family. But it seemed like too much to want. I was afraid that it would end up breaking me apart if anything bad happened. So I used the whole bit about you not telling me your secret as the perfect out. I mean, who wouldn’t be furious over something like that? But it wasn’t my real reason. Since we’re being honest here, I figure it’s time to confess. Not going to lie. It was sort of mean of me.”