All We Can Do Is Wait(69)

“I guess I didn’t,” he lied to Alexa, not wanting to burden her with more of his darkness. “I guess that’s true.”

“It is true,” Alexa said. “It is.” She took her hands out of her pockets, crossed her arms over her chest, her familiar pose, indicating that she was thinking through something. She took a deep breath, exhaled. Looked back at the apartments. “It was my fault, today. Sort of, anyway. They were driving to Northrup. I had a meeting with them and my guidance counselor. I was going to tell them that I don’t want to go to college. Not right away, anyway. So it was my fault that they were on the bridge. They were coming to see me for some stupid thing.”

She looked like she might cry, but she took another deep breath, catching herself. Jason shook his head. “No. No. That’s not your fault. Jesus, Alexa. Is that what you’ve been thinking all day?”

“It’s some of what I’ve been thinking.”

“Well, you shouldn’t. So you had a meeting at school. They had to go to like a million meetings at my school. At my schools. That’s normal. That’s what parents do.”

“I guess.” Alexa sighed, a watery little sound.

“You should have told me,” Jason said, and Alexa laughed.

“That’s my line.”

“So we’re both just . . . not telling each other things, huh.”

“I guess so.”

Jason laughed too, more out of tiredness than anything else. He felt emptied. He’d poured all of himself out and now there was nothing left.

Alexa sighed again, put her hands over her eyes. “Oh Godddd . . . I just need this to be over. I need to know. I need to know.” She ran her hands over her hair, clasping them behind her neck. Jason wasn’t sure what to say, not wanting to disturb the uneasy peace between them.

Alexa bit her lip, looking like she was deciding to say something.

“What did you like about him?”

“What?”

“Kyle. What did you like about him?”

Jason didn’t know why she was asking this, if it was some test or if she was genuinely curious. The only thing he could do now, though, was tell her the truth.

“Everything, I guess. He was smart. And weird. And funny. And really . . . himself, you know? I liked that. A lot. I guess I was more myself when I was with him. Which is corny. But it’s true. He made me feel like me, you know? And he made me do things I was scared to do. But that were still, like, me, I think. He felt like . . . the future.”

“He felt like the future . . .” Alexa repeated. “Yeah. He did. He did.”

“Plus,” Jason added, trying something out, “he was really cute.”

Alexa barked, a yelping laugh. “Sorry. That’s just . . . weird. I’ve never heard you say that about anyone.”

“Well, he was.”

“Yeah.”

Jason sighed. “I miss him, Alexa. I really, really miss him.”

“Me too,” Alexa said, blinking back tears. “Me too.”

Without thinking, Jason reached out and put his arms around his sister, hugging her tight while she cried, and he cried. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, apologizing for everything, for all of it. For lying, for running away from her, for Kyle, for their parents, wherever they were. “I’m so, so sorry.”

As Jason hugged his sister, he heard an airplane passing overhead, looked up and saw the lights on its wings blinking as it descended toward Logan. Watching it pass, he was filled suddenly with a happy memory, from the summer of Kyle.

A night in July when the three of them had gone down to the beach with some sparklers left over from Theo and Linda’s big Fourth party. They smoked a joint and lit the sparklers and ran around on the beach like idiots, Alexa laughing so hard she said she was going to pass out. Nothing had been particularly funny, but still, Alexa was laughing. Thinking about that night now, after so much had happened, Jason thought he finally knew why.

Alexa was laughing because it was ridiculous, wasn’t it? To be as happy and lucky and dumb as the three of them were that night, young and together, awash in limitless summer. To be tearing around clutching little sparklers, under a vault of billions of stars. It was silly to not feel small, to not feel afraid, to miss the big and frightening world for a beach. But they had. That night, at least, those many perfect nights together, they had. And that was why Alexa was laughing. Because what else could anyone have done just then but laugh? What else could you ever do?

Jason closed his eyes and saw Kyle, wading into the water, heard himself and Alexa yelling, “Come back! Come back!” the light of Kyle’s sparkler dimming as it burned out. But Kyle kept splashing off into the water, the two of them watching him go, feet stuck in the cool sand.

Alexa had hooked her arm around her brother’s and rested her head on his shoulder, the wind making her hair dance. She gave Jason’s arm a little squeeze and then said, “Let’s go,” and made a break for the water, Jason chasing after her, both of them running to find their friend. Kyle out ahead of them, just past where they could see. Kyle waiting, gone but not lost, out there somewhere in the night.





Chapter Nineteen


    Alexa



IT FELT GOOD, and strange, to hug her brother. Just as it felt good, and strange, to hear him talk about Kyle, some glimpse into a life they had had together that she knew nothing about. She thought it would make her feel sad, or at least left out, to hear Jason talk about Kyle like that, but it didn’t, not really.