All We Can Do Is Wait(68)
Alexa started walking for the door, and Jason followed her, not sure what had suddenly taken hold in her, but happy that she was talking to him. If she did blame him for Kyle, if she was angry that he’d lied to her for so long, kept his distance and shut her out, at least she wasn’t going to shut him out in return. Alexa was walking quickly, and Jason raced to catch up.
Seeing Alexa move swiftly through the hospital, Jason chasing after her, brought him back to a summer ago, like pretty much everything did these days. They were always with him, those seismic few months. And yet how far away they felt too. Jason thought of a day in early August, just before the heavy dog-days heat set in. Alexa must have noticed that Jason had been using his bike a lot that summer, revisiting that childhood joy, and she suggested that maybe they could go for a ride together. She had an hour before she had to be at work, more than enough time to take a longer route to Grey’s. Jason, happy to be out on the road, and to maybe catch a glimpse of Kyle at work, had agreed, and they set out, brother and sister, like they used to when they were young.
Their route was green and quiet, the occasional car whooshing by, but it was early on a Saturday morning, so for the most part, all Jason heard was the sound of the wind, the pleasing tick of his bicycle wheels, summer cicadas, and songbirds. Alexa rode fast, always more competitive and more athletic than Jason was. On Old Orchard Road, she zoomed around a corner, and when Jason eventually rounded it he couldn’t see her anywhere, though the road ahead was straight and unobstructed. He slowed down, suddenly nervous. He pedaled a little more, then pulled over to the side of the road.
“Alexa?” he called out, unable to hide the panic in his voice. “Alexa?” And then, there she was, jumping out from behind the entrance of the Eastham recycling station. She laughed. “You sounded so worried!”
“Jesus,” Jason said, but he was laughing too. He took a long sigh, made an audible “Whew,” before they hopped on their bikes and pressed on, disappearing down the road.
The little memory stung him, as he made his way out into the cold night. It was sad to think of a time when he and Alexa had been partners. They were only a year apart, and had been, when they were kids, best friends and confidants, with a close, almost telepathic understanding. “You’re so lucky that they’re such pals,” Linda’s friends were always saying to her, as if Jason and Alexa weren’t standing right there, brought around to amuse party guests before they were excused and could go get lost in one of their elaborate, made-up games.
And now Jason was chasing after his sister, whom he may have lost forever, but hoping that something outside, away from the oppressive light of the waiting room, would bring them back together. Now that the truth was out, now that his guilt was laid bare and she could see him for who he really was.
Alexa walked to the end of the driveway and stopped at the curb. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, Jason realizing that she probably hadn’t left the building in hours. He walked up next to her, reveling in the whirling, utterly alive sounds of the city. Boston was always nicest on nights after it rained, he thought, lonely and cozy all at once. It was windy, though, and a chill quickly seeped in through Jason’s clothes. He shivered.
“It’s cold.”
Alexa didn’t look at him, her eyes pointed straight ahead, at the apartment buildings across the street, some windows lit up, making a pattern, an uneven checkerboard of life, little boxes of light each representing people—a family, a couple in love, someone alone. All probably watching the news, to see what the latest word was on this disaster. Jason realized it had likely gripped the city, maybe even the country, this terrifying story. How strange, then, to be there at the middle of it, the story still ongoing, his parents somewhere, still lost in uncertainty.
“Do you think they’re O.K.?” Jason asked her quietly.
She shook her head, stuffed her hands in her pockets. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
They stood in silence, watching the lights of the apartments, seeing silhouettes moving around, people preparing a late dinner, or putting their kids to bed, or maybe just wandering their homes, unsure what to do with themselves.
“Are we going to be O.K.?”
Alexa finally turned to look at him, brushing a strand of hair from her face as she did. She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know that either. Do you want us to be O.K.?”
“Of course. I never meant to—”
“You know what the worst part of it is, besides Kyle being dead, I mean? Besides the lie? It’s that we could have been there for each other, you know? If I had just known. If you had just told me. All this time. This whole year. It could have been so much different, Jason. It could have been so much easier. Or less hard. Or something. I just wish you’d told me. I wish I’d known. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To find out something like this? It’s like the whole world just changed, Jason. Even more than it already had today. I don’t . . . I don’t know where I am anymore.”
“I wanted to tell you. All year. But I thought you’d blame me . . .”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you. It wasn’t your fault. I know you think it was. And I wish you had been with him. Maybe he wouldn’t have . . . But maybe you would have, too. You could be dead too. Did you ever think of that?”
Jason had, more than a few times. At his lowest points, he thought that maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad. If they’d just gone out together. At least then he wouldn’t miss him so much, wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time. It wasn’t quite being suicidal, he didn’t think. It was just wishing that Kyle had taken Jason with him. Wherever he was going. Wherever he went.