All I Ask(54)

I hold back the rage that starts to build. I hate that Meghan would ever tell Everly this. Everly is a kid. She should’ve never been aware of the issues Meghan and I had, but when it came to Teagan, she apparently felt no need to filter.

Meghan was so damn sure I was going to leave the first chance I got, I guess she wanted to poison Everly just in case. It didn’t matter that I stayed, even when our marriage was nothing but a fa?ade.

“I didn’t leave, and I didn’t want to. I’m not going to discuss this with you, though. I lost a friend years ago and now that we’re back in touch, I’m not going to lose her again.”

“I hate her.”

“You don’t know her.”

Everly crosses her arms. “I don’t care. I know Mom did and that’s enough for me.”

I nod once. “Well, you can have your feelings and I have mine.”

Arguing with her isn’t going to change anything, and right now, Teagan and I are friends. My feelings for her are stronger and hers are as well, but Everly doesn’t need that information.

Which is what I think Teagan’s entire point was. For now, we need to see what this is and if we’re willing to navigate it.

“Don’t do this, Daddy,” Everly begs as I get to the door.

I turn and see a scared and sad little girl. Not the tough one who doesn’t care about anything. “Do what?”

“Date her.”

I walk toward her, gathering her in my arms before kissing the top of her head. “You know that I’ve been alone for a long time, right?”

It’s time we discuss what we know to be our past.

“Yes. But you loved Mom! I know you did!”

“I did. I loved her. I loved her very much.”

She shakes her head, tears forming. “Then you can’t do this. If you loved her, Daddy, you can’t date Teagan!”

I sigh, rubbing my hand down my face. “When you love someone, really love someone, you want their happiness above all else.” I look up at her, watching the tears fall. “I wanted your mother to be happy. I thought that maybe somewhere deep inside, I would’ve made her happy, but I couldn’t. I hurt her a very long time ago, and I don’t think she ever forgave me.”

Everly wipes her eyes. “Because of her.”

“No, Everly, not because of Teagan.” I catch an errant tear on her cheek. “It was because I was never brave enough to tell anyone the truth. I don’t want to make those same mistakes again. I like Teagan and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore.”

She nods, fighting to stop another round of crying. “I know. I don’t want you to be either.”

I wish she knew that even as unhappy as I was, I still didn’t want this to be how my story with her mother ended.

“I miss your mother. I know that may not make sense to you since we weren’t happy, but I do miss her. She was funny and beautiful. She lit up a room when she walked in and God knows I never wanted anything to happen to her.”

Everly’s tears fall. “I just keep waiting for her to come back.”

“I know.”

“I keep thinking it didn’t happen, but I know it did.” Everly’s lip quivers.

“I wish none of it happened and your mother was still alive.”

She sniffs and wipes her eyes. “I don’t want you to replace her.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” I tell her. “I’m not replacing your mother, there is no replacement for her.”

Everly takes a step back. “Then you won’t date Teagan?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

Her sadness is gone and it’s now replaced with anger. I understand on some level how she feels. I can’t imagine my father dating if he ever lost my mother, but then again, their marriage is nothing like mine was.

While I may have just lost Meghan, she hasn’t been mine for a long time.

There is nothing wrong with what I’m doing right now.

“You’ve never cared about what I want anyway, why should you start now?” she says and then rushes out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

I sit on the bed, wondering if this is wrong. Should I do what she asks and cancel? Am I being a bad parent because I want to move on with my life or because after all this time, I feel again?

There’s a soft knock on the door, and I don’t have to ask who it is. “Come in, Mom.”

“Sorry, honey, I overheard Everly.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

She sits on the bed beside me. “What do you want to do?”

I look at her because I honestly don’t remember the last time anyone asked me that. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t you?”

“No. Yes. I don’t…”

“You don’t know who you are anymore, Derek.” Mom waits for me to respond, but I can’t. “It’s not a bad thing, we all go through this. Lord knows I did after you left for college. When we lose something or someone who defines a part of us, we have to redefine ourselves.”

My mother doesn’t know the truth about my marriage. I’m sure she assumed a lot and probably knows more than I’d like to believe, but I’ve never told her the truth.