A Mess of a Man (Cruel & Beautiful #2)(98)

I close my eyes reliving the stabbing pain I got from her last message.

“She’s angry, Ben. But if she loves you as much as you love her, she’ll forgive you.”

“I never said I loved her.”

Her head moves side to side like I’m delusional.

“Your reaction is answer enough,” she says softly. “Take a shower and stop drinking. You’re not doing anyone, most of all yourself, any favors. Get your head out of your ass and go be with her.”

Long after she leaves, I turn my phone on. One message from her says it all.



Sam: Sometimes sorry isn’t enough.



I slam the phone down as an echo of the words I said to her are tossed back in my face. Later, I will feel fortunate that the phone landed on my mattress.

Fire burns in my gut for an unspecified time. Somehow I manage to get work done in sober moments. Then the grief over loss cripples me and forces my hand to poison my blood with a bar’s worth of liquor. It isn’t until I finish my entire supply that I get up.

My head rests against cool tiles as I let water meet my flesh in too many days to count. I’ve disappointed everyone. Dad probably regrets offering me more responsibility. Me not being in the office has only meant that he’s had to keep his old hours. The piece of Drew that I keep within me is ashamed of my behavior. And Sam …



I sit on my sofa turning Drew’s letter over and over in my hand before I finally open it. Not that I need to. I know the words by heart.



Ben,

You didn’t think I’d leave this world without giving you any parting words of advice, did you? After all the years we’ve been together, and everything we’ve been through, you know I never would do anything like that. Damn, I’m sounding more like your lover than your best friend. This is the part where you’re supposed to laugh.

But seriously, dude, you’ve meant more to me than any friend ever could—you are the brother I never had. And I’m telling you now, if I didn’t tell you before, that I have loved you ever since you stuck your popsicle up that *, Mickey Master’s nose in the third grade. You were my hero then as you are now. All these years you’ve said those words to me, but honestly, Benny, I have looked up to you in more ways than I can count. You are a mountain to me and always have been. Hell, you got me through those tough nights in med school when I didn’t think I could keep my eyes open to study for the next exam. Your stupid jokes had me laughing until tears ran down my cheeks. You were the one that always told me I could do it, but I knew you had the balls to do anything too.

And you were there with me during my rough spot, when I went through that shitty break up. But you were right. She wasn’t for me and you said so from the start. You picked me up and pieced me back together, promising it would be better and damn if you weren’t right. But then, you always were.

Now it’s my turn to impart a few bits of wisdom. You told me I had a special knack to talk you down from the ledge. I don’t, not really. You talk yourself down, only you don’t realize it. I just get the conversation started and then you, in your Ben way, take it over and run with it. That’s what you’re gonna have to do when I’m gone. You’re gonna find a way to figure it out and run with it. I’m depending on you, man. My girl will depend on you and I know you have what it takes to get the both of you to the happier side of this shit.

Now here’s the deal. Don’t worry about the little shit. It always takes care of itself. Don’t let your damn dick run away with you either. I know how you are sometimes, dude. Fucking every piece of tail in sight won’t help you at all. It’ll only be the band-aid for all your wounds and end up getting you into some shit you don’t need. Put that awesome brain of yours to work and let it do some magic. And add your heart to it too. You have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever encountered. Use it—not just for keeping yourself alive. Open it up and let yourself fall in love, man. It will be the greatest gift you can give yourself—and me.

Now do what I told Cate—go and live. Don’t you dare let yourself wallow in misery and self-destruct, like I know you have a tendency to do. And have the greatest life you can. Don’t look back, but only forward. And know my life would’ve been half of what it was without you as part of it.

Love, your brother in this world and the next,

Drew

And take care of my wife. I don’t want to come back and have to haunt your ass. This is where you’re supposed to laugh again.



I was never the hero. And if he could see me now, he wouldn’t say that.

I’m dressed and in my car not truly knowing where I’m going. But when I get there, instantly I know this is where I’m meant to be.

The doors slide open and I catch a glimpse of her. She’s flanked by her family as she walks towards an awaiting nurse.

“Samantha,” I call out.

She freezes, but doesn’t bother to turn around to face me. I get a precious view of her profile.

“You’re right—sorry isn’t nearly enough. And telling you how much I love you and need you isn’t enough either,” I choke out. “No matter what, I’m going to be here for you, even if it’s too late.”

She gives me no acknowledgement as she faces forward and disappears behind the windowless double doors.