A Mess of a Man (Cruel & Beautiful #2)(108)

“It’s what you do when you love someone, Sam.”

“I know. And that’s what I want to talk about. The last time I was here, I don’t have to tell you how I felt. You already know. I can’t ever go through anything like that again.”

“I can’t make excuses for my behavior because there are none. If you give me a half a chance, I swear I won’t ever make you. The time I spent without you has been hell. Work,” he shrugs. “I’m surprised I still have a job. But none of that matters. I’ll do anything for you. You have to know that. I love you more than my career or even life itself.”

He fists his hands in his hair and I gently tug the offenders out from his gorgeous, but over grown, locks.

“I learned a huge lesson. You can’t replace the ones you love. I should’ve learned that the first time around. But with you—I know it here.” His hand moves over his chest.

I study his eyes first before I move to his stooped posture. His hands are balled up as if he’s fighting himself. I’ve been on the fence since I made the decision to come here. I had to see him, but I hadn’t been sure what exactly I was going to say.

“How can you be sure?”

His eyes fiercely hold mine. “Because when you walked out the door, my life ceased to be. I was a mess. Ask my mom or Jenna. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t … be, knowing I’d lost you.

“You mean that.” It’s a statement and not a question.

“I do. But I get it if I’ve destroyed us. And your happiness is the only thing I live for now.”

The agony in his eyes is real. I remember Trevor’s pleas to get me back. He never looked at me the way Ben is now. I lift a hand and stroke his cheek.

“I had to know. And I have to know you won’t ruin me again.”

“I couldn’t. You’ve ruined me for anyone else. I’ve worked hard just remembering how to breathe without you.” He huffs out a distressed breath. “I don’t know how to prove it to you other than with my words. But I swear I won’t.”

I lean in and press my lips to his. He doesn’t move and I pull back trying to figure out if somehow I’ve misjudged. He licks his lips, then cups my face before planting the sweetest kiss on my mouth. I open for him and allow our tongues to tangle in ways I hadn’t known I’d missed. Far too soon, he pulls back.

“I want you to know I’ll be with you for your treatments. I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll take another leave of absence if I have to.”

I feel my forehead crease as confusion clouds my head.

“Treatments?”

“Yeah. You know, chemo.”

My fingers fan out across my chest as my eyes widen. “Chemo?” Holy shit! All this time he’s thought I have cancer! “I … you don’t know, do you?”

Now he’s the one with the confounded expression.

“Know what?”

I inch closer to him so our thighs are touching.

“Ben, I don’t have cancer. That lump you felt was only a cyst. I had the surgery as a prevention, like my sister did, because we both carry the BRCA gene, but I’m cancer free. Having the mastectomies reduces my risk of getting cancer in the future.”

A thousand emotions pass over his face. Shock, relief, and joy are just a few. His movement surprises me as he kneels on the floor and spreads my legs. I can say my lady parts get excited as he buries his head in my lap and his arms circle my waist. It should be another good sign of things to come. Only muffled words come from his mouth that I can’t understand.

His body shakes, scaring me until I realize his trembles are the result of overwhelming emotion.

My eyes fill knowing the relief he must feel. I’d felt it too. Where my family has felt loss but is also full of survivors, he’d lost his very best friend. I say nothing, letting him be. My hands dive into his hair, realizing the depth of his feelings for me. He came back, even though he was under the impression that I had breast cancer. He’d been willing to go the distance with me and stand by my side. That fact is only more proof that he won’t make the same mistake twice. I can trust that he will be there for me, no matter what.

Benjie decides he’s tired of hanging out on the couch and takes of mouthful of Ben’s hair and chomps down, tugging on it.

“Ouch,” Ben cries. He lifts his head to face his attacker and I notice the shimmer of tears left on his cheeks.

I place my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away at some of the moisture before dabbing at my own eyes.

“He’s certainly a fierce canine,” I say.

Lifting his shirt sleeve, he swipes at his face before he says, “Yes, he is. And those teeth of his are like needles.”

“I’ve noticed.”

A whisper of a smile returns to his face. “You have to know I’m happy for you. But I would have been there no matter what.”

“I know,” I whisper.

He places another gentle kiss on my lips. “Let me put him in the pen I have in the kitchen.”

He scoops up Benjie and is gone a moment.

When he comes back I say, “I want to show you something.” This is the final test. This is the reason I put off telling him and delayed the surgery. But so much has happened between us and I’m much braver these days. So with a deep breath, I lift my T-shirt.